Old History?

[emell]

Years ago when I was a newly married and deeply unhappy bride, I had a very brief affair and it's possible that this man is my daughter's father.
We went our separate ways and just under four years later, my husband and I divorced.

Recently, this man and I have been in contact, via another friend, and have discussed the situation.

She is now an adult, married with 3 children.
The question is - - should I tell her?

[Ungratefulchild]

Have you thought of telling her in the past? What has stopped you?

[ShoutyBag]

Get proof!

[ImperialBlether]

What kind of contact did your daughter have with the man you married? Does she see him as her father?

And yes, get proof. It should be easy to get, just Google it.

[emell]

Once I'd decided to stay in my marriage (wow what a mistake that was - funny how people don't really change their behaviour), I didn't address her paternity at all - - she saw my husband as her father and that was that.

She's not had much contact with either man since the divorce.

How do you mean google it to get proof ? I'm up for it but very puzzled.

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, I meant use Google to find out about DNA testing - there are tons of places that do it.

[emell]

got ya. Will do. Mind you if my fears are right it still eaves me with having to decide whether or not to tell her!!! ever!

[ImperialBlether]

If this man is a decent man and would be a good influence in your daughter's life, what could you lose by telling her the truth?

I wouldn't tell her when it's only a suspicion, though.

[garlicbutter]

She only knew your husband to the age of four, except for occasional contact?
As she's now a grown-up, I think I would tell her what you put in your OP and ASK her permission for a DNA test. It's a creepy to do it behind someone's back anyway. She may well be interested to know, as the result could signpost interesting information wrt her DCs.

[Bogeyface]

I can see why you didnt address her paternity back then, DNA testing not being around at the time and blood tests being a bit hit and miss. But I would certainly be considering it now.

that said, I would recommend you get counselling for yourself first to make sure you broach it in the right way. Perhaps you could also arrange counselling for you and her together once you have told her as she may become very angry with you and need help dealing with it. She may see it as her whole life being a lie and distance herself from you, I say this because this happened with the sister of a friend of mine. They are ok-ish now, but her relationship with her mum is still a bit strained, although with her bio father it is great. She didnt get on with her "dad" so finding out he wasnt was a bit of a relief.

But dont underestimate the effect that news like this could have on your dd, and on her feelings about you. Good luck.