Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

It's over isn't it?

(16 Posts)
niceguy2 Fri 05-Aug-11 12:40:53

I'm interested in others opinions on this one.

A couple I am close to have been married for ten years are having problems. They've two kids together.

Basically she's desperate to move to this cliquey little village full of affluent types. I've been over their finances with him and the blunt truth is they cannot afford it. Not unless they completely change their lifestyle which would never happen as she absolutely MUST have 5* Caribbean holidays, convertible cars etc. etc. And not just one holiday a year either. They must have at least 3-4. This is despite two quite modest salaries.

He said he'd move if it meant SO much to her and he's more than happy to forsake the holidays or sell the cars. She said she's not sure as she thinks she's financially better off without him because she'd get full tax credits, child maintenance and thinks that he should take on the current house (virtually no equity) and all their debts (about £15k).

She'd spotted this little 2 bed cottage which is double their current mortgage that was available to rent. Her plan was to move in there. However, now the house has gone, she's now being nicer to him.

Am I right to think that if your wife is happy to dump you if she can get more money from tax credits and maintenance that your marriage is effectively over and anything you do from thereon is simply delaying the inevitable?

Earlybird Fri 05-Aug-11 13:15:50

She sounds dreadful.

pastimperfect Fri 05-Aug-11 13:17:55

It may not be over, but she doesn't sound like a very nice person. Why is your friend with her?

DariusVassell Fri 05-Aug-11 13:28:40

In answer to your question, I think it's rhetorical, but the answer would be yes.

However, I don't think this is the full story by any stretch. You clearly cannot stand this woman and seem to have loaded your OP with every nasty feminine stereotype you can think of. If what you say is true, then your mate doesn't need you or a website to confirm that his relationship is over, but he probably needs support from someone who doesn't have an axe to grind against women angry.

mumsamilitant Fri 05-Aug-11 13:41:23

Oh dear niceguy, you do seem to get a lot of stick on here from women dont you, which is very unnecessary. I have to say that I know a couple of women exactly like you portray you friends wife. Image is all!!!!! What does the husband think?

mumsamilitant Fri 05-Aug-11 13:42:54

oh and for all the "spelling police" .... your friends.....

revolutionscoop Fri 05-Aug-11 13:47:52

I would guess there's more to this than meets the eye, and can't really see the point in hypothetical speculations about third parties who aren't here to present their own case.

bushymcbush Fri 05-Aug-11 13:48:11

Mumsamilitant - I think you'll find it's your friend's

grin

(Please don't hit me)

DariusVassell Fri 05-Aug-11 13:55:16

Niceguy gets a lot of stick on here from men as well, at least those who like and respect women.... wink

mumsamilitant Fri 05-Aug-11 13:59:59

thanks bushy but i dont really give a toss about spelling.. Everyone makes such a ridiculous deal about it and I dont use appostrophies coz I cant really be arsed.

Darius - Im not a very frequent user on here so havent really retained any past info on people.

niceguy2 Fri 05-Aug-11 14:00:01

Actually Darius you couldn't be further from the truth if you tried. Up until this week I thought we knew her way better than we did him although I'd say we were friends with both. We've always known she's a bit of a show off but taken that in our stride. I think what's shocked us all is the fact she'd be willing to give up her husband to move to this village.

I'd go as far as to say she's obsessed with moving as her thought process is so irrational. Even her best friend is saying she's obsessed and being unreasonable.

As for loading my post with feminine stereotypes I assume you are referring to the idea of getting tax credits and maintenance? If so then I assure you I have done nothing of the type. I asked her straight if she'd rather save her marriage or move. Her answer was move. I asked him seperately the same question, he said "save the marriage". And I have the texts which she tells me that she'd be better off financially alone. I've not made this up or skewed it.

The husband is still madly in love with her and his first preference is to make this work. I guess what irks me is that the wife only wants to make it work if the numbers stack up.

RudeEnglishLady Fri 05-Aug-11 14:10:00

You are probably right in thinking that. Certainly from your description she sounds horrible, amoral and a bit mad really.

What can you do though? You say he's madly in love with her so he's probably not going to want you to point out what a rotter she is. Stay back and don't get involved if its going to irk you.

mouldyironingboard Fri 05-Aug-11 14:16:08

It sounds like she thinks that moving to her dream house in a beautiful village will make her happier. The reality is that the move probably won't make her feel any more content within the marriage.

Do they have DC together? It might be worth suggesting they try counselling before they make such a huge financial commitment as moving to this new place. Sometimes it can be good to discuss a problem with a person who won't judge either of them.

mouldyironingboard Fri 05-Aug-11 14:17:18

Sorry, I've seen that they have children - ignore that bit of my post.

loyalfriend Fri 05-Aug-11 14:21:18

What I find rather odd is that you are pig in the middle, having rather intimate discussions about this marriage with each of the people in it!

You really have no idea what is going on in this or anyone's marriage.

Maybe he is crap in bed and she wants out. Who knows. There are zillions of reasons why it may not be working for her; you are getting his side and hers. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

What do you hope to achieve by posting here? Are you looking for validation of your opinion so you can persuade your friend to end it?

HerHissyness Fri 05-Aug-11 18:01:57

My X was madly in love with me apparently, so he told everyone.

They knew NOTHING! If I were chained to him, I'd gnaw off my own LIMB to get away.

niceguy, don't get involved.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now