Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I just let him go?

(18 Posts)
midwife99 Wed 03-Aug-11 21:48:29

My DH is always unhappy, has lost his libido totally (& at times blames me for it) & sometimes says he wants to leave me & our 5 DCs. He can't put his finger on exactly why apart from being unhappy with the "domestic situation" & wanting his own home. He says I'm too negative & miserable but the regular threats plus lack of affection have left me really down. I used to cry & plead when he threatened to leave but for the last year each time he says it have said "I'm not going to give you permission to leave but you're not a prisoner & are therefore free to make your own decision. No one will die as a result & I will survive". The next day he always backtracks & says leaving the children is "not an option for him". I think he wants me to do the deed, ie tell him to leave so he doesn't have to face the guilt & shame of leaving his family. Why should I do his dirty work & make myself a single parent against my will?

FabbyChic Wed 03-Aug-11 21:51:06

How long can you sustain the relationship you are in? Which sounds dismal and unhappy?

michglas Wed 03-Aug-11 21:53:20

He wants you to kick him out as he doesn't want to be the one to walk, as he will have failed. What he doesn't realise is that he has already failed, and ultimately it doesn't matter who does the pushing/walking.

Just as a side thought, would it help for you two to go to relate - either to repair your relationship or make the split a bit easier for you both?

AmberLeaf Wed 03-Aug-11 21:54:27

Does sound a bit like he wants you to make the decision for him.

It doesn sound like a happy situation for you.

I think if it were me, Id say off you trot then.

midwife99 Wed 03-Aug-11 22:02:35

He knows I'm terrified of being a single parent (again!) but lately as I say I have said he's free to go if he decides to. He won't go to relate again (tried that last year & he felt the counsellor took my side too much, eg when he said things like "I gave up everything to marry her" the counsellor said "No you chose to marry her & were not forced to give everything up". So easy for people to advise me to say jog on mate but here I'll be struggling to manage while he goes off into the sunset!!

maleview70 Wed 03-Aug-11 22:10:38

People are only answering the question you asked. If you don't like some of the answers, what answer are you looking for?

midwife99 Wed 03-Aug-11 22:15:00

Just saying it's not that easy to chuck someone out against your will just to give them what they want.

RandomMess Wed 03-Aug-11 22:32:54

How many of the dc are his?

maleview70 Wed 03-Aug-11 23:09:56

Agree but he doesn't sound like someone who makes you very happy. He seems unlikely to change so why do you still want him?

AmberLeaf Wed 03-Aug-11 23:55:47

What do you want to happen OP?

solidgoldbrass Thu 04-Aug-11 02:52:33

Being a single parent is a lot better than living with someone who keeps telling you that he's with you against his will. He's either a spineless shit or he has worked out that you are terrified of being single and therefore uses the 'I don't know if I want to be here, I might leave' speeches to make you scurry around trying to please him.

TDada Thu 04-Aug-11 05:58:13

I would tell him to make his choice once and for all and then shut up.

Michiem Thu 04-Aug-11 06:08:54

I grew up in a household that was miserable, parents always fighting and arguing mother doing everything to keep my dad around. This was because she wanted a father around for us and was worried about being a single parent, despite him leaving on numerous occasions and coming back and her throwing him out sometimes. learn it's not healthy to be in a miserable situation for you or the kids. They eventually divorced and they both became happier (my mum more than my dad) they have become friends again and we understood why it ha to happen. Not that it's all rosy, my siblings and I sufffer from the aftermath of growing up in the miserable relationship for so long and it's affected our own relationships with partners. It's hard being a single parent but not worth the long term affects this horrible situation is having on you and your kids. Sorry so long blush

barbiegrows Thu 04-Aug-11 06:40:11

Yes, let him go. This will be better for all of you I think.

midwife99 Thu 04-Aug-11 06:43:00

Yes you all have good points. I guess I will eventually reach that brick wall myself. The weird thing is we rarely argue & although the kids don't see us being lovey dovey they also don't witness any rows. Still not ideal or healthy. I have asked him to go to the GP & get some counselling to address his feelings once & for all. I have 2 sons who are young adults & in process of leaving home but we have 3 young girls who are both of ours. I did cope well as a single parent before & we were together a long time before lived together or married so I could be sure to get it right this time. Hoping the counselling helps him sort out his true feelings but maybe I should give it a mental time limit & at that point say either leave or stay & sort this out once & for all.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Aug-11 08:21:27

Are you sure he is not cheating? I say this because he sounds detached from you, is critical of you and is talking about moving out...

singforsupper Thu 04-Aug-11 08:41:24

I really shouldn't wait for counselling. I don't think he's being fair to you. Read your first post. Threatens to leave. Blames you. Bad domestic situation. You are too negative and miserable. Wants his own home. Lack of affection.

He sounds as though he has no empathy for you and you are normalising this by assuming he has no control over the things he does and says.

He knows you won't kick him out because he knows its a point of principle on your part "why should I do his dirty work". It is possible that he has a narcissistic personality disorder and that is very hard to change. Narcissists do anything they possibly can to keep their relationship, even if it means destroying their partner in the process. Narcissists want everything their way, but they want you as well.

anothermum92 Thu 04-Aug-11 13:39:23

Message withdrawn

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: