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Estranged from my parents - thought I was alone!

(10 Posts)
NotaDisneyMum Sun 24-Jul-11 09:26:41

I was looking for any info on the Internet to help me with the confused emotions I am feeling and discovered there are fellow MN who may be able to help!

I have been estranged from my parents for nearly 2 years - when my marriage ended, they struggled with the loss of my exH from their lives and some pretty dreadful things were said by both sides.
I had hoped that over time, the damage would heal, but they have maintained regular contact with my exH, and his new partner - which has made things more difficult.
My exH considers his relationship with them to be validation of his continued behaviour towards me - he is very controlling and demands things are done his way; when I do not agree, he brings them into the discussion "....well, your Mum says...."

There have been some very hurtful moments over the last couple of years - I discovered my sister was pregnant for a third time (after losing her second child a few days after birth) from my exH - my sister had told my DD, and asked her to surprise menu telling me - instead, exH told me himself when he knew it would rattle me.

My biggest guilt is that I am no longer I'n contact with my elderly grandmother - she is cared for by my parents, and is totally bewildered by the whole situation. I realise I may never see her again, and any changes to her health are likely to be used by exH to get at me :-(

Any thoughts, help or advice from people in similar situations would help, please!?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Sun 24-Jul-11 09:51:31

Your parents, sister and exH sound horrendously toxic, NotDisney. Poor you!

There are plenty of MNers who have cut off contact with their parents. If they don't come flocking to this thread, you can find them on threads whose titles include "stately homes", "childhood EA", and "narc mother", using the search function.

You are definitely not alone.

LonelyLinda Sun 24-Jul-11 13:22:15

Hi there Not Disney, I am also estranged, out of choice and it makes my life a lot nicer and easier. I can't relate to your grandmother i'm afraid but the distant relatives and family friends etc. which is very different of course.

MizzyFizzy has been a great help to me and has given me support which has been fantastic. I know that she lurks Hello Mizzy so hopefully she will turn up soon.

I think that your parents are very unfair and its sounds like you are better off without them!

WeDONTneedanotherhero Sun 24-Jul-11 13:48:14

Hi OP another person estranged from their family here. I can honestly say it's one of the best descisions I've made.

LonelyLinda Sun 24-Jul-11 14:17:10

Yes well said WDNAH, me too!

MizzyTizzy Sun 24-Jul-11 14:27:43

Hi NotaDisneyMum

MizzyTizzy here aka MizzyFizzy...I de-regged for a while and wasn't allowed to be MizzyFizzy anymore.

I'm not sure what I can do to help...but am also estranged from parents and immediate family.

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<Waves> to LonelyLinda...we gotta stop meeting like this! wink

Squishylicious Sun 24-Jul-11 14:37:50

I am not estranged from both parents - just my dad. It was my decision, but I too have terrible guilt as this means I do not see my half brother and half sister. In fact - I have not even met my half sister. However I know that no contact with him is the best decision for me and my DD and it sounds like it is in your case too.

LonelyLinda Sun 24-Jul-11 14:46:32

Hi Mizzy!! Hope you're well on this sunny sunday x

mymumdom Sun 24-Jul-11 15:04:01

Hi there, I'm another one who discovered I wasn't alone in having Toxic Parents thanks to MN. I haven't posted a whole lot about my situation yet but I guess I will at some point.
Am having a bit of a tussle with my mother atm and am considering cutting off all contact with her.
ATM I send her photos of the kids every month, answer any questions about them using as few words as possible, make sure they email her to say thank you for presents and card and ignore any other attempts at correspondence.
Luckily she's on the other side of the world so I don't have to worry about her turning up on my doorstep.
I also have an elderly GM who is probably also toxic but I do wish to stay in contact with her. She sends me long emails about how terribly I am treating my mother, which I ignore and send her more information than I do my mother. None of my family have contacted me since Jan 2010 when I fell out with my mother for the last time, except my sister m who live 1/2 hour from us and we've seen twice in 19 months.
It all sounds difficult but actually my life is much better without them in it.
Have you read the book 'Toxic Parents'? It was a huge eye opener for me.

MizzyTizzy Sun 24-Jul-11 15:05:39

Oh, I suppose it bit of background wouldn't go a miss OP.

I'm complete no contact with my parents and siblings and it took me 30+ years to finally cut the cord...lots of short no contacts and low contacts during that time.

It has been the best 'gift' I ever gave myself.

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I'm fine thanks for asking LL, I hope you are doing Ok too. x

No bloomin' sun here through...very muggy and overcast. Boo!

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