Hi all.
Haven't posted here for a few weeks but feeling so sad and down and I could really do with some perspective on things.
3 weeks ago I moved to London to start a new job. I left my DP of 4 years to come down here. The relationship hadn't been good for a while (issues with his drinking, the house we were living in etc.). I had been trying to make more effort to make our relationship better though and it was improving. Then he found out (via a thread on here, he was snooping in my internet history and I was a fool not to delete it) that I had feelings for another guy from our home town who I've known for years (never acted on though). It just went downhill rapidly after that and the upshot has been that I have come to London to try and escape it (maybe that makes me a coward?)
Now I am here I just feel so utterly and totally alone it is horrifying. I really miss my DP, I keep thinking I should have worked harder to make things work out. I cry every single day and I am so so homesick. My family and friends are hundreds of miles away in the North East. Also now I no longer have my DP to look after, or my horse or cat (who have both stayed at home). I feel as if my life has no purpose or meaning. I never thought it would feel this bad.
I have 2 good friends down here but I don't think they understand how I'm feeling really. They are both really independent women who would never rely on a man. One of them even told me it was 'Good that I was alone because it meant I could concentrate on myself and not other people'. Trouble is, I don't WANT to be on my own and I want to have someone to love and care for.
I spoke to my ex last night on phone and things got really heated and he basically started saying that this wouldn't have happened 'If I didn't have feelings for this other guy'. I HATE what I have done to my life, I feel as if I have ruined it by being unable to control my stupid brain. It's as if I have got to be punished for having feelings I couldn't help and that I was never going to act upon. I put the phone down on him eventually and he started texting me saying 'This isn't my fault, you shouldn't have had those feelings, I bet you've even got tickets to see his band play in London in September' (He's in a band and no, I haven't got tickets)
I just feel as if I don't know what the hell I am going to do with my life, everything I try goes wrong. I just want to be happy but my brain seems to make me incapable of being so. I honestly feel at total rock bottom.
God sorry that was long, I apologise.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Thought it would be a fresh start-except I'm in tears everyday!
MilkandWine · 22/07/2011 10:10
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