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think my relationship is totally f**ked, do i wait it out?

(6 Posts)
deeplyhackedoff Sun 17-Jul-11 23:33:05

history ; been with dh for 28 years. Have 4 girls of differing ages. Found out he was bisexual about 4 years ago, he was "very happy" I'd found out, i was less so. Initially it made little difference to our sex life, which had always been good.
we haven't had sex now for about 18 months, i've made a few attempts to initiate it, but always rejected, he won't discuss it. He rarely touches me if he can help it - i got a peck on the cheeks today but only because my mother was there and it would have looked really odd if he hadn't under the circumstances.
He is frequently cold to me, enjoys put downs, does very little around the house/with the kids despite us both working full time, although he does pay for a cleaner for 4 h/week. He earn 6x what i do, no shared income just a joint account he pays a fixed amount into - i frequently fret about cost of petrol for work in the last week of the month, he buys new coats at £200 +.
He is away atm, would usually ring me, instead i only got a text, i replied to it immediately, no reply - thought he may at least would have wanted to speak to kids.

It looks awful all written down, I know i should go really, but i can't afford to and i really don't want to upset the children who are quite happy, and appear to be unaware of any issues - i do tend to cover for him to spare their feelings.
I've thought for a while i would leave in 2 years - second child leaves school then, and is at a geographically distant school to the others so logistically would make sense to wait until then, but more recently i've been thinking i can't bear to wait until then, although i know i will have to.
sorry for epic post, it's been really cathartic writing it down.

buzzsore Sun 17-Jul-11 23:43:06

Why should you go? It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship already.

I'd go see a solicitor and find out what your options are. Get armed with the right information.

Yes, make sure you get all the relevant information WRT maintenance, the house, any benefits you may be entitled to. Knowledge is power: once you know the facts, then you can decide what to do. For one thing, he would have to give you more money in the way of maintenance than he does at present, by the sound of it.

deeplyhackedoff Mon 18-Jul-11 00:16:10

thank you, i'm sure the money thing is true. tbh the only thing i am concerned about is wrecking the kids exam chances, and i've been trying to think when would be a good time to go
oldest does a2 next year, next one as's, so i thought 2 years then realised that next daughter is starting y11 then - aargh - i really really don't want to wreck their life chances but don't know how long i can hang out for. am going to start collecting fincancial info tho' - i've been reading other threads1

ShoutyHamster Mon 18-Jul-11 00:43:17

You most certainly can afford to be shot of him. Have a chat with a solicitor - you will have a pleasant surprise at how much of his £200 coat fund should rightfully be coming to the other members of his family smile

You don't have to leave. You don't have to suffer either. Start researching how to split, get a solicitor and start the ball rolling. You'll need to be tough, but you'll get there in the end. And he will have to cough up!

LittleHousebytheRiver Mon 18-Jul-11 07:11:27

Hi deeply I am sorry you are in such a painful situation.

My contribution is just to say that when I chose to end my marriage after 24 years I left in early september as my younger kids were starting year 13 and 11. One had a difficult time, she is the expressive one, the other just got on with it. I don't think there is ever a good time to leave, but having a happy mother and not living in a bad atmosphere can only help them.

I am waiting with bated breath to see how they have got on. I had a nightmare the older one missed her uni grades by one point and I was to blame!

Remember it takes two to make a marriage work so the fact it has failed cannot all be your fault.

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