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bad evening

(19 Posts)
partnerleft Wed 13-Jul-11 20:42:21

Hi I’ve posted before about my partner leaving me after 25 years for another women , 5 years after loosing our beautiful 19 year old boy the day before his 20th birthday.
To say I hit rock bottom would be an understatement. I took several weeks off work (not the kind of job you can do in that state) , had fantastic support from GP, mental health services etc.
Our youngest son almost 18 has a major life threading liver disorder since 8 weeks off age .
I always considered myself quite a good mum to both boys, but eldest took an overdose which combined with medical negligence meant we had to loose him.
Youngest is now a “long term survivor” but since EP left I have been a crap mum
Returned to work last week, so tired and emotional, still can’t believe EX is with OW, it would be our 26 anniversary next Thurs and tonight I’m in pieces , missing eldest DS so much, fretting about relationship with and health of youngest DS and just feel so alone and cant stop crying, got to go in work tomorrow as I have had so much time of. I need a cuddle I need EX to understand but he says I’m too depressing and she understands and doesn’t pressure him

Pakdooik Wed 13-Jul-11 20:45:35

Nothing to say except cyber hugs, prayers and best wishes

Xales Wed 13-Jul-11 20:50:32

You seem very stuck and unable to move forwards over the ending of your relationship.

Not sure what the mental health services did to help you I have no experience of them. You need counselling to learn how to accept it is over and not want or need anything from your ex any more. Separate and different from any counselling for your grief over your son.

He has told you and shown you that he is not interested, he does not want to be in a relationship with you and that he has gone emotionally from you and you just annoy/irritate him now.

You need to learn that you are worth more than the way he treated you at the end and that you are better off with out him.

Fairenuff Wed 13-Jul-11 20:55:08

Me too. You have been through so much, I feel so sad for you. Your GP sounds very supportive, do you need to go back to see him/her. If you need more time off work, please do take it. You need to take as much care of yourself as you can now.

HerHissyness Wed 13-Jul-11 20:55:18

Oh love, anything I say will be insuficient I know, but I can't read and not post.

Your X is callous to the extreme, I don't know how you do it, but you have to disengage from him, he is no use to you at all and will actually bring you down.

Have you had bereavement counselling? I can't even bear to think of how it is to lose a child, the very thought of it has me in tears. I am so sorry that you lost your son in such dreadful and tragic circumstances.

Is there ANY way you can find a way to focus on YOU, focus on your youngest DS and live every day as it ought to be lived? Happily, for the sake of your eldest DS? I am sure he would hate to think that you are so miserable, I am sure he would want you to be happier. I know that it's an unreasonable idea for him to have, but you have to go on. Being sad is understandable, but you have another DS here, and he needs you to be strong, be hopeful and be there for him.

Your eldest DS, must have been in some hellish emotional turmoil to do what he did, please remember that this is not about you, it was nothing you did, this was an illness he had, that made him take drastic and deadly actions. I made an attempt on my life, many many years ago and my thoughts and feelings were all about me at the time, I thought no-one would care, I thought they were burdened by me, so it'd be better without me. I wasn't doing it for any failure of anyone else but myself. The thought of inflicting such pain and suffering on my entire family, and the extended family, as I know would be the case now rationally thinking literally horrifies me. Depression is a deadly disease. People forget that.

Talk to your youngest DS, talk it all out. suicide affects the family for generations, so it's important for everyone to try to get through and understand that they have to go on, without guilt, without blame and without fear.

I hope my words aren't too inadequate, my whole heart aches for you and your boys, I wish I could take the pain away from you all, I wish you could heal.


Fairenuff Wed 13-Jul-11 20:55:50

I meant me too re cyber hugs

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Wed 13-Jul-11 20:57:51

Oh love sad This is hard to hear for you, but you must stop looking to the ex for support. He won't understand because he chose to leave. You ate going to be hurt and need to grieve the loss of your marriage as well as the loss of your son. Now, do not contact the ex at all. Do not text, phone or anything else. Concentrate on getting through each hour, one at a time. As much as this hurts, you will get through it. Be kind to yourself x

Onemorning Wed 13-Jul-11 21:17:11

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, but am sending big hugs. Take care of yourself xxx

snoopdogg Wed 13-Jul-11 21:51:01

My heart goes out to you. Could not read and not respond. I'll be thinking of you tonight.

big hugs x

partnerleft Wed 13-Jul-11 21:54:23

my poor youngest has had to endure so much in his short life and all i ever wanted to do was try to make it as good as possible so i would have no regrets, since partner left in feb , he's seeing me in pieces, although improving, he wont bring his friends round, tea is usually pizza.Him and his dad have not even mention OW they see each other x2 pw have tea out, talk about football and that is that

His dad does not want him to meet OW as he does not want his 2 worlds to clash .DS does not want to meet her
with his 18 coming up he wanted a family get togehter which is now impossible as my famil hve totally rejected EP and he won't face them and all my por boy wants is a family get togehter for his 18 and i can even sort that, His 18 is the same week as his brothers 6 anniversary and 26 birthday so shit week anyway but he deserves better

maandpa Wed 13-Jul-11 21:55:57

Cyber hugs to you, from me too. xxx

WillIEverBeASizeTen Wed 13-Jul-11 23:02:46

PL I echo what others have said before me. There is so much going on here, and such early days, your EP only left in Feb! You are taking on far too much responsibility for this situation, and that is leaving you emotionally and physically exhausted.

Keep close contact with MH team, and accept all support you are offered. You need to be well in yourself before you can help anyone else.

I really feel for you OP, I can only imagine what you are going through..

Keep posting...((((((hugs)))))

holyShmoley Thu 14-Jul-11 06:59:21

how are you this morning?

Lemonylemon Thu 14-Jul-11 10:14:11

OP - You've had such a lot happen to you in a very short space of time. Your ex left in February - only 5 months ago after 25 years which is a long time to be with someone. You're having to deal with grief all over again, which is so difficult - it brings all the other grief to the surface too.

I would suggest that you get yourself down to your GP, tell him/her everything that you've posted here, so that they can see the full picture.

As far as the death of your eldest is concerned, it's always bad coming up to an anniversary. And you never get over the death of a child.

Bearing that in mind, your GP should be able to point you in the direction of people who can help you. You're not being a crap mother, you just can't do it all. Also, why don't you give CRUSE a ring and get some bereavement counselling?

Regarding your youngest son, yes, he's been through a lot with you and you recognise this - he's a teenager and will bounce back. He probably doesn't want to bring his friends back for tea because most teenagers think their mums are embarrassing - whether or not you think you've done anything to deserve that judgement smile

cestlavielife Thu 14-Jul-11 10:22:28

you ahve been thru a lot adn not surpirsing you floundering.

second you seeking support from GP/counselling - and letting go of ex being teh one to supprot you - sad as it is he has chosen not to.

do you have other friends/family?

maybe sit with Ds and ask what he would like to do instead on his birthday?

might be worht looking into divorce and separation support eg as that could help move on in that respect - making you stronger to deal with the rest ...

thinNigella Thu 14-Jul-11 10:41:21

hi there,
i know a little of what you feel and tried to PM you but couldn't.

Brilliant youngest is a long term survivor! And all credit to you for everything you have done to get him to this point - you will have spent years and years nursing him and liaising and co ordinating with all the healthcare professionals - not easy, difficult. Exhausting. Emotional. BNut you have achieved it.

Your eldest - so sad for you. It will never go away, we know that. Anniversarys will never be easy. I honestly don't know how anyone copes, moves on or whatever the phrase is - he will always live in your heart.

You H - doesn't seem like he's coping. Sounds like he's escaped and run away from the problems. However that is his problem and his way of dealing with it. You, on the other hand have stayed strong, nurtured your family through an awful 18 years and have successfully reached this point. No wonder you're exhausted, and all credit to you for diong what you have.

Try to be easy on yourself. Can work give you a return to work plan - part time increasing when you're ready? Smaller shorter term projects to help you feel you're getting back in the saddle? IME this build confidence. And confidence to face the future and it;s challenges is needed.

As for your H, I think he will find in a short time that sctually he can't deal with his new life on top of his old. He will discover runing away doesn't bring back a much loved son or heal the long term health issues of a long term survivor. He will also find that this OW isn't wuite as understnading as he though - how can she possibly know or understand?

Then, I think he will approach you. You on the other hand will then need to thinnk whether you actually wnat him back or with your new found confidence you are better off without him.

Be kind to yourself - baby steps after such a tough time. All the best x

partnerleft Thu 14-Jul-11 19:03:30

thank you all so much, it helps so much to know people are listening and understanding
i am on a phased return to work but still finidng it heavy going, maybe due to the nature of the job, which then affects the conversations in the office which i find difficult and often cause me to have falshbacks eg today to being told youngest son had shortened life expentacy9after colleague had to tell this to a mum and come back and off load) to afternoon conversation about coffins, try and keep out of it
seeing GP tomorrow fantastic Gp, listens understands etc both know can't change crap live into anything else but he does his best
thanks again for support

ImperialBlether Thu 14-Jul-11 20:04:05

This is so sad. You've been through an awful time. Suicide must be the most painful thing to go through.

Please focus on your youngest child now. He's been through so much, just as you have.

Why not ask him to sit with you and draw up a list of meals for each week? You could do the same meal each Monday, etc. Let him choose the meals. Don't allow any meals which have other connotations, just choose simple meals that you can cope with. Then ask him to go shopping with you to get everything for the week. Try to have a goal where you don't have pizza for a month. In the evening, whoever is in first should start off the dinner. You could write out the recipes if that would help him. Try to make the meals enjoyable but unemotional, if you can.

To be honest, your ex has been through a really hard time, too, with the death of your son. Many men respond to bad situations by getting out of them when they can. It doesn't mean he's a bad man, though he may well have acted badly.

Can't you and your ex come to a truce for your younger son's birthday? What would happen if you phoned him and said please could we get together with our son, no other partners present, and give him a good evening? Your son deserves it, with everything he's been through.

Also, you say your son doesn't like bringing his friends home. Try to work out what it is he dislikes about that. Are you upset when they come to the house? Is the house a mess? If you're upset, why not tell him you'll be in your room from 9pm if he wants to bring them home. If the house is a mess, try, with him, to do one room at a time, to make it more acceptable.

I'm so sorry for you all, you're obviously all hurting so badly.

ImperialBlether Thu 14-Jul-11 20:05:07

Is there any way an alternative job could be found for you within the same organisation? It sounds like it's hindering you in your efforts to stay well.

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