Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

No sex since I've had our baby and he is 2years and 3 month today :-(

(20 Posts)
julinka Tue 12-Jul-11 14:01:49

Hi everyone,

I have just read few threads and it seems some good advices going on here.I would appreciate one for me as well all of you lovely people.

Normally men complain about women not wanting to have sex with them after babies but in this case it is the other way around.I used to be really concerned when our baby was small and used to bring this issue a lot and talk about it.But over the time,I feel so rejected with no effort on my partner's side that I am feeling very resentful towards him and stopped initiating anything as I don't want to get hurt.To be honest we haven't even kissed properly over this 2 years.

He keeps saying we have a small baby and I know where he comes from- my son can be pretty demanding.I am still breastfeeding him and when he was smaller he used to share a bed with us but I have tried making effort of putting him to bed,so we do get "alone" time in the bed together but nothing happens.I am the one who wakes up in the night for my son anyway,so I should be the one complaining of tiredness etc.

I feel we have drifted so apart and I used to tell him when I was pregnant,we mustn't become "one of those couples who don't have sex after children".And now it has happened.To be honest I don't think it is normal,but looking back he was never the one to initiate sex in the first place.

He is a good looking guy and always enjoyed the attention of women before and according to him he was always pursued(well to the contrary that didn't happen with me).I have tried initially but longer it gets,I am more down and to be honest this whole situation does have an effect on the arguments in the house and how we treat each other(he doesn't think so).I am 30 but can't imagine how I can live my life without passion.intimacy etc.Our son give us so much happiness but our reliatonship is going downhill.

We do spend a lot of time together as a family and both of us hardly go out but can't seem to think it is not a quality time.

Help :-(

lisad123 Tue 12-Jul-11 14:04:06

it sounds like you need to be honest with him, surely he isnt a mind reader. Is there anyway you can get away together for the weekend? Have you asked him why he doesnt want sex?

julinka Tue 12-Jul-11 14:07:46

Yes I have asked so many times.He keeps saying that we have a small baby etc.and we are never alone(true not during the day).I have spoken to him a lot of time with this issue(I am the one who brings this one up) but it is hard he says there is no problem,that our life has changed and nothing is wrong with that.To be honest,I am starting to think if he has some health issues because I just can't think whey he doesn't miss it.

lisad123 Tue 12-Jul-11 14:11:12

some people can seriously do without it. I would get yourself a babysitter, maybe he isnt happy having sex within earshot of child, maybe his forgotten what his missing.
Even if you cant get a weekend away, just go for an afternoon wink

pink4ever Tue 12-Jul-11 14:16:23

I can sympathise as I am also living in a marriage with very little sex/kissing/intimacy though not as extreme as yours(we usually manage once a month but only because I nag).
I think that some times husbands find it hard to seperate the women from the mother iyswim? so maybe he is finding it hard to see you in a sexual way since for the majority of the time you are more a mother figure.
Also can I ask is there a particular reason you are still breast feeding your son?. I am not anti bf before I get flamed but I cannot help that feel it probably does have a impact on this situation-again with your dh not seeing your body in a sexual way?.
I dont have any real practical advice apart from to try and keep talking to hi or try counselling?. Hope it works out.

onehellofaride Tue 12-Jul-11 14:16:24

you could ask your DH when he thinks your DS will stop being a 'small baby' as I'm not really sure that is the case anymore.

we can all have days/weeks/months where we can't be bothered especially with DC and busy lives but over 2 yrs is a long time.

Witchofthenorth Tue 12-Jul-11 14:30:44

It was the opposite for me and DH, I was the one who did not want to have sex after the kids....we went from a very healthy sex life to maybe having sex once every four of five months. Eventually my hubby sat me down and asked when we would have sex again as it was having a major impact on our marriage. What caused it was me being unable to see me as just witch, I only ever felt like wife, mother, friend, manager and never just witch. Bearing in mind his drought lasted for about five years!!! What I found worked for me was accepting the fact that hubby still fancied me and I was still desirable (felt incredibly unsexy for ages!) and thinking about sex a lot ! Once you get out of the habit it is very easy to stay out of the habit.
Have an open and honest convo with him and find out if it is as simple as losing interest when you've been with out for so long?
He probably feels a little weird as well seeing you as a sexual being when your dc is feeding from you ( that is not meant as a dig and ease don't flame, DH felt the same when I was bf. My boobs were always sexual to him and couldn't possibly be for any other reason! Shock horror!)
you need time just you and him, without dc there? Plus, try and start off with just some cuddles or a sensual massage, and no sex? It might reawaken his drive enough to start things going again smile
I have rambled enough now, if I have covered ground you have already tried then apologies smile I hope it works out good for you op smile

julinka Tue 12-Jul-11 14:35:03

Thank you all for for your perspectives.I will certainly take that to my heart.
We haven't got any close family that could help us out.His dad passed away and mum is pensioner,living outside of London.And my parents living abroad.However,yes we could do with babysitting.I think to be fair we have become complacent bot of us.We had a 'night out',more like 4 hours away couple of months ago but nothing happened when we came home.

Pink4ever-I have thought about this lot of time.I also asked him if he has any issue with me continuing breastfeeding.He hasn't but sometime I think it is only because it is easier for him not to be involved in bed time/waking up in the night.I don't breastfeed obviously as much as when DS was younger.

I have also lost all my pregnancy weight and I am slimmer than when he met me.So i don't know.I will certainly bring this up again and ask him about it.
I have been thinking all sorts of things in my mind-like he might be having an affair etc.But he spends 95% of time with us,so not sure.

Have thought about counselling too...hmm it breaks my heart I am facing this situation :-(

onehellofaride-totally last time he said it I just exploded.He is talking,independent toddler and it gets easier all the time,not like when he was tiny.

Thank you for your views ladies.

julinka Tue 12-Jul-11 14:43:40

Thank you so much Witchofthenorth.

You are writing just how I feel.It has been so long that I might have forgotten haha.I suppose I do feel bit down because I think he doesn't fancy me-although he says it is not true(but why no action then hmmm :-).

But very good advices-once out of habit.hard to get back.

I keep thinking Breastfeeding doesn't bother him,but might bring this up when I talk to him.He did mention to me that why I don't dress up for him as nice as when I go out(once in a while),but you know running around in high heel with a toddler is not very practical :-).

Thank you again,I feel more positive knowing there is someone who went through the similar experience.

If I may ask how is it now,do you feel you have both connected with each other again and having satisfactory sex?

UnhappyLizzie Tue 12-Jul-11 15:35:18

I agree about the breastfeeding. Best for child but maybe not to re-establishing sexual relationship. From what you say about always initiating it, it sounds as if he isn't that highly sexed anyway.

Another thing that may be an issue is, was he present at the birth? This can have a traumatising effect on some men and it impacts on their sex drive later.

I am in a sexless marriage as well so I do feel for you, it is very demoralising.

ImperialBlether Tue 12-Jul-11 15:59:33

I think it might be a good idea to stop the breastfeeding now. I, too, fed for a long time and I think there comes a time when you have to focus on your marriage and accept the breastfeeding era is gone. Your body belongs to your child when you are breastfeeding. That can't escape your husband's notice.

Do you have any shared interests? Do you ever talk to him passionately about how you feel about things that are not related to your marriage? Do you still enjoy talking to him?

It's so hard but I do think you have to act now, rather than come back on here in another couple of years' time saying "It's now five years..." You need to get back into partner mode - easier said than done, I know.

VoluptuaGoodshag Tue 12-Jul-11 16:10:04

I think it's a myth that all guys are rampantly up for it all the time. They'll never admit it of course but I believe there are a lot more guys out there who are really not bothered about sex. MY DH isn't that fussed, neither was my last one (perhaps it's just me hmm). Many women aren't bothered about it so by that rationale there must be some men who feel the same way but in our culture it's an absolute no-no to be open about it for fear of being a lesser man.
That probably doesn't help - sorry

julinka Tue 12-Jul-11 16:37:13

I definitely think he hasn't got same sex drive as me but then again in the past before baby "we were at it all the time" however,mostly on my initiation.

He was at the birth but he considers it a great day,not a night mare.Unless he is not telling me the truth of course.

Breastfeeding might have been an issue year ago or so,and I was way more persistent then to talk about it and asking.Now if course,2 years down the line I am getting fed up and got used to not look at in a sexual way.I am not feeding as much as before.But know women who breastfeed in continuation and having more children etc.I will def bring the subject up when I talk to him next time.

We still talk about things,but of course I do feel the lack of intimacy has affected our talking,arguing etc.

Is it possible to live in a sexless marriage and have a great partnership?

UnhappyLizzie-I feel for you as I am going through a same thing and it affects the confidence,self-esteem etc.How long has it been going on?

julinka Tue 12-Jul-11 16:39:17

VoluptuaGoodshag-
I agree to some extent.How do you feel about it though?I mean I think what I miss more than sex is the intimacy etc.Just the idea he will never initiate sex can be very depressing and questions everything like"Why?Does he not care?Doe sh enot fancy me?etc etc.

Witchofthenorth Tue 12-Jul-11 17:14:26

Julinka, we have a better relationship now than it was and the sex is better, more intimate ifkwim? It is still a struggle though, I struggle with so many othe tings that take priority over being me, during these times I have to really get myself in the correct frame of mind. He has to do his bit too though smile making me feel valued and loved when I have play dough stuck to my top, and am wearing my most comfortable clothes which quite frankly need incinerated, whilst juggling a toddler, doing homework and cooking supper all while letting him do his caveman bit! It gets easier if you both communicate and come to a compromise. We both had to give and take, the biggest being that hubby had to accept that my sex drive would never return to it's pre baby state smile it took time though smile

UnhappyLizzie Tue 12-Jul-11 17:42:04

Hi julinka, it's been going on for years, maybe have had sex a dozen times in the past three years. I always had to initiate it, even before then, not because husband didn't want it but because I rejected him a few times and he lost confidence (I rejected him because he was showing me no love, affection, care etc outside the bedroom).

Initiating it all the time was demoralising, I didn't feel like a desirable woman. I stopped initiating it at all, he lost confidence more.

It's been a huge issue. A lot of people think it's a dealbreaker, and I kind of agree with them. Good sex can bring you closer and keep you intimate at some level even during times when you are communicating less well elsewhere.

I tried to get things back on track a few weeks ago, made a real effort, kind of seduced him and he went soft at the crucial moment. I feel sorry for him but completely unable to help. He has had this problem intermittently for years in all his relationships.

I am (only) 40, feel I am still young and wonder how many good years I should throw after the bad. In sheer desperation, to try out the idea, I went on a married dating website. I quickly realised it just wasn't for me at all, goes totally against my principles, but I was shocked at what I felt I'd been driven to.

Now, I'm ending my marriage. I am really scared of doing this, but just cannot live like this any more.

Sorry for the essay, I always write too much!!

Witchofthenorth Tue 12-Jul-11 19:03:44

sad for you unhappylizzie, but reading your other thread happy that you are moving on and good luck smile

julinka Tue 12-Jul-11 19:29:38

Very interesting story Unhappy Lizzie,And I am very sorry you are going through this at the moment.I do believe in good sex making things better,as well ashaving a good,open,communicative reliatonship-these two are so closely linked together.
It just occured to me in your case and mine,do you think they might have some underlying health issues?About a month ago I have read the story in the paper about a man finding out he has a low testosterone lebels and how it affected his life before and how it has improved his sex drive since he ehas been injecting hormones ever since,Obviously I have no idea this is the case in our cases but I am kind of wondering.

You are definitely young and deserve to be in a loving reliatonship that fullfills you and make you happy.My thought are there for you.

I am still hopeful in our case but have had very negative thoughts for a long time now.Definitely need a night out with him to talk and hopefully get things back on track.

Witchofthenorth_I am pleased to see it has worked for you and hopefully there is a hope for me too smile.Definitely feel positive after reading your comments you lovely ladies.

maleview70 Tue 12-Jul-11 20:03:38

I dont think it will be hormones.

I think that from what you have said, he had a fairly low sex drive anyway and whilst happy to go along with it when you initiated it, he didnt actually start the events!

He now probably sees you just as a mother and not as someone he desires. The breastfeeding wont be helping despite what he says. The comment about dressing up etc may just be his way of saying that perhaps you dont make as much effort as you did previously. To be honest my DW before we got married and had a baby, used to make a big effort with her appearance, hair and nails done, matching underwear sets, nice clothes etc...Not anymore!

The comments about a weekend away etc are not going to work. He wont be stupid. He will know why this has been arranged. Its almost like being off work sick for 2 years and then having to go back. Most people would be petrified by the idea.

You need to take this slowly and have a frank discussion, even to the point of saying "Say what you want even if you know it might hurt me"

Doubt he is having an affair by the way. Men with low sex drives are not as likely to do this because often men chase affairs for sex!

VoluptuaGoodshag Wed 13-Jul-11 15:50:03

Julinka - it is an issue. We are intimate to the extent of perhaps a cuddle just before we fall asleep but it's never more than that. He'll make comments like "don't worry we'll get back shagging soon" and I'm thinking "yeah right".
He never had a big sex drive either with me or in any previous relationship. He also has 'soft' problems. Sometimes I get really down about it and feel totally undesirable, other times I just think hey ho. IMO I think the problems are more mental than anything else. He obviously can get an erection and we have two kids but I can't help feeling like a bit of a brood mare and the mating efforts pre-kids were just to procreate, nothing more. I have a theory that he is somewhere on the Aspergers scale and he misses the social receptors that go hand in hand with intimacy and sex.
There is none of that urgency and sexual desire. Of course now it's a vicious circle and though we try to talk about it, nothing ever gets resolved.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now