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Aftermath of friend's affair

(8 Posts)
SaddestFriend Fri 08-Jul-11 19:48:30

A close friend had an affair but got back with her husband after a family bereavement.

She confided in me when the affair was going on, and although I didn't condone the affair, I was there for her and encouraged her to end it and sort things out with her husband.

I never judged or criticised, I just tried to be a good friend.

Her husband was a bastard to her, so I couldn't blame her for wanting to leave him, but I begged her to finish the fling and sort things out with her husband before he found out.

Following a death in her family, she had a breakdown.

Everything came out, she told her husband about the affair and he took her back. But he continued to be really aggressive to her, threatened the other man (including going to his workplace to find him, possibly armed with a baseball bat or something) and still says he'll do him some damage if he ever meets up with him.

At the end of the month, she is going away to work for a year. The reason she has a new job is because of the affair - her husband insisted she found work elsewhere as the affair was with a work colleague.

I doubt her marriage will survive, I think her going to work abroad will spell the end from what she's told me and I in a way I'm glad that she is getting away from him.

But I'm scared that when she leaves to work away in the next couple of weeks he's going to go after the other man. He blames him for the damage (and probable end) to his marriage and the fact his wife had to find another job.

I have asked her if she is worried about him doing anything stupid and if so, to tell the police about the threats (particularly if he makes any more threats), just so they can perhaps keep an eye on her husband or maybe warn him off in some way?

I can't live with it on my conscience if this man goes and does something awful to the other man. Equally, I don't feel I can go to the police as all that she's told me is second hand and they won't listen to me.

But she's basically told me that it's not her responsibility if her husband does something stupid. And also asked me if something does happen, not to tell anyone what I know about the threats.

She told me I was wrong, that it was nothing to do with her if her husband went after the other man and that they could sort it out between themselves.

She was so cold towards me. I told her I'd call her before she left and she said she'd be really busy, so might not be able to speak to me sad

I feel like I've been slapped in the face. It was hard for me to bring this up, but I can't cope with the thought that someone could be seriously hurt and she's not willing to do anything about it.

The threats are serious enough for me to be worried.

I know that if I go to the police, our friendship will be over and despite that, I would still do it if I thought it would do any good.

However, I have no evidence, only what I've been told that he has said. If anyone has to report these threats, it really has to be her.

Sorry for the long post, just don't know what to do. Maybe I should mind my own business, but if something does happen I don't know if I could live with myself.

springydaffs Fri 08-Jul-11 20:54:41

It sounds like your friendship is over anyway. Lik you, I wouldn't be able to live with this and would have to let the appropriate authorities know what I know. It may be that nothing happens but imo you have to do what you can just in case? You are obviously in a state about this and tbh I don't think you can not do anytning - though no doubt copious MNers will tell you to mind your own business. They're not in your shoes.

Wisedupwoman Sat 09-Jul-11 07:09:40

Oh dear saddest, your friend is leaving you with a terrible dilemma.

However, it's not clear how this information came to light - did your friend tell you what her H was threatening or do you know for a fact what he did and what his intentions were?

I'd agree with springy the friendship as it was is over anyway, since the day she confided in you. If you weigh up the pros and cons, you have to decide what's most important - is she that much of a friend to you that you can keep your counsel, or do you think of the wider implications of sharing/not sharing it with the police?

It may be that once she has left the country your friends H will calm down and get over the affair, but you know them best and so it's difficult to advise really.

Personally If I knew for a fact that this man did this and had intentions to harm someone I couldn't live with the consequences of not at least seeking advice anonymously - you are not in a position to know what the police can't act upon and what they would treat as a bona fide threat.

This probably isn't much help I'm afraid, but you have been dumped on in a most selfish way by your friend. She is bailing out and leaving you to carry the moral can.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sat 09-Jul-11 07:15:45

Do you know the man? Does he know about the threats?

SaddestFriend Sat 09-Jul-11 17:05:30

I have sought the advice of a police officer friend and have been told that the best thing to do is for the person who heard the threats to report them - I haven't heard the threats first hand.

Which makes sense to me, and is why I've asked her to report it. I really don't think they'll take "she said he said" seriously, but I haven't ruled out at least trying to report it myself if she won't.

The other man has been spoken to by the husband, so he knows that he knows. I don't know if he made threats to him then, but I suppose if he did, there is a chance that the other man has reported the threats himself.

It's just such a mess. I am so angry and disappointed and scared.

Do you know the other man? If so, could you speak to him and say that your friend told you her H had made threats against him and you are concerned.

Your friend and her H sound prize twats though - the sort of people who think that violent jealousy is 'romantic'.

lazarusb Sat 09-Jul-11 17:46:28

Your friend is frightened of her husband which is why she won't speak to the Police. He has convinced her that her affair is the cause of their marriage problems, not his behaviour. It does sound likely that her h has threatened the other man and so he will be aware of it. However, if I were you I would put it in writing to the Police. I think you are in an impossible situation tbh....I feel for you.

Flyonthewindscreen Sat 09-Jul-11 17:48:07

If you contacted the other man to warn him about the threats, is there any possibility that the H could get nasty with you? It is very public spirited of you to be concerned about this man but you have to think of yourself and your family also. Also if the H has confronted the man with a baseball bat already, surely he is already aware of the danger?

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