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Did I marry the wrong man?

9 replies

ForeverMum · 07/07/2011 21:03

I'm so confused! I love my DH deeply but I'm starting to think he is not the man I thought he was.

Long story will try and keep it short!

Was on my own with DD now 9 for 6 years. 3 years ago I met him through a mutual friend he is VERY hardworking, really funny and generally a great guy.

The last 3 years hve been a whirlwind of moving in together, getting married and building our dream house which we have just moved into.

The problem is that he thinks that working hard and providing us with a good quality of life is sufficient. I don't. I think we should be spending more quality time as a family. He thinks we do that enough and any time I try to broach the subject (or anything else that is bothering me) he gets very defensive saying that he couldn't be doing more for us blah blah blah!

He was basically brought up by his grandparents IMHO while both his parents worked very hard to provide him and his siblings with a very good standard of living. As a result he is quite un-emotional and can't deal with me when I'm upset about anything which as you can imagine makes talking about things difficult.

He now wants to have a baby of our own. He would still want me to work while I would have to be at home with the child until it started school (I did this with my DD). We never really disscussed having kids in gret depth before we got married (idiot I hear you all say). But I'm worried that when I tell him I'm having no more kids cos of our differences of opinion on work, quality time etc it will be the end of us. We have only been married a year!

He's changed since we got married (maybe they all do) but now all he seems to want to do is work, golf or watch T.V. Moaning about how tired he is is also a fave pastime of his. I'm tired too I work part time, do all the house hold chores and worry (maybe too much, he thinks so) about our DD.

He never wants to socialise any more or do any thing else with me. He barely listens when I talk to him.

I'm making him sound awful when really hes not but I'm so frustrated at the moment!

I'm feeling kinda lost right now and am always on the verge of tears. Guess I'm looking for advice/reassurance.

Anybody got any?

OP posts:

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Octopus3 · 07/07/2011 21:45

Well Iwould talk to him about yur expectations re having a baby, family time etc... If it's not right now there is no point bringing a baby in the mix.

You might also want to explain all that to him in writing. If he isn't good with emtional stuff, listening etc... it might be easier for him to see it in writing, think about it and write back to you (or talk to you whatever he is happy with). But you need to start communicating in some ways, otherwise you will end up with a child (or two) and dreaming to get out of it as you can't cope anymore with his behaviour.

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GiveMeSomeSpace · 07/07/2011 22:18

How frustrating that he won't talk to you. I must say, IMO, all the other issues are minor compared to the problems your having with communication. If he's going to stonewall you on issues he doesn't want to address, then you haven't got a hope of sorting anything out (to state the blindingly obvious). I'd put any plans of a baby firmly in ice until you're sure of where you stand, otherwise you'll sleepwalk into a disaster.
Hope that doesn't sound to gloomy.

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Casmama · 07/07/2011 22:22

It sounds like he hasn't really adjusted to being in a relationship. Its almost like he is living the life he was before but you and your daughter happen to be in it. If he cannot compromise then there is no future for your relationship anyway so scary as it may be I think you have to confront this head on. Good luck.

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Fairenuff · 07/07/2011 22:56

I saw something on tv once where the couple gave each other 'points' (1-3) for things on a list. It helped them see how they were valued by their partner and what they considered important in a relationship.

Her list went something like this:

Listening when she talks - 3 points
Putting the bins out - 1 point
Catching spiders for her - 2 points
Providing for the family - 3 points
Sticking up for her - 3 points
Getting up to the children at night - 3 points
Making Sunday lunch - 2 points
Playing with the children - 1 point

She was able to show her husband that earning the money was only one of the many contributions he made to the family and that other things were equally important to her.

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Tryharder · 07/07/2011 23:39

Well, 2 things stood out for me. The first is that you want him to work less and spend more time with you. The second is that you want to give up work to have a baby.

Perhaps he feels that if he spends less time at work, he will earn less money and thus not be able to support you and a family particularly if the pressure on him financially is increased due to your stopping work. And on top of this, he feels under pressure to have to socialise with you when all the guy wants to do is watch TV and relax with his family.

I feel quite sorry for him, actually. I think you sound quite demanding and unrealistic about marriage. I also don't think it it very nice to use kids as a bargaining point - e.g to say that you won't be having any unless he falls in with your demands.

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GiveMeSomeSpace · 07/07/2011 23:54

Hold on Tryharder the bloke won't talk about any of this.

OP IMO, you can't walk on eggshells worrying about how he will be able to deal with your emotions. That's allowing him to opt out of communication. Surely you have to both be able to discuss your concerns if you're both considering bringing a child into this world.

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Octopus3 · 08/07/2011 06:05

Tryharder, the issue isn't whether the OP or her P is right. Or whether one is making unreasonnable demands. It is more likely that both their pov are vallid in their own right. From what the OP says, I can't see any issue either with her wanting to be at home with her child until school age or with him wanting to relax after a ady at work.

The issue is that they have different expectations and that wo resolving them, it will lead to disaster.

This needs solving (It can be one of them 'backing' down, both changing their behaviour but what would work best is something that they are both happy with and happy to implement and follow up).

OP if he is not reacting well to you being emotional, you could try and prepare you 'speech' before hand so that you can tell him wo getting too emotional. Or you could write down.
Or again, perhaps going to see a counsellor together could help - with the current issue as the counsellor could help you both to talk about it but also in the longer term so that you can find ways to communicate and discss sensible subject in a way appropriate to you two.

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Terraviva · 08/07/2011 14:40

OP - I don't think you sound like you're being too demanding at all.

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ForeverMum · 13/07/2011 15:21

Thanks ladies some really sound advice there. Much appreciated.
Would just like to say that I would never use a child as a barganing tool, and believe it or not I am not unreasonable and demanding anyone who knows me would tell you so.
On a much happier note we've had a couple of days to ourselves while our DD is at camp and have managed to work through alot of our issues. We've been under alot of pressure over the last 2 years so alot of issues have been pushed to the side while the wedding and house were ready. We've had a good chance to talk (yes there were tears and emotions on both sides!) and I can now say with confidence that. I did not marry the wrong man!
As for that baby................Watch this space! :o