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Have I lost my sister forever?

(6 Posts)
Threelittleducks Thu 07-Jul-11 12:07:02

My sister has a boyfriend, whom none of the family like very much. He doesn't have any time for any of us either. He treated her very badly for about 4 years before they finally got it together properly. He's older than me (she's my younger sister) and has a horrible attitude (has openly called me a lazy stay at home mother to my face, threatened to punch me when I called him on his abusive behaviour towards my sister, cheated on her numerous times - got together with the woman he has cheated on her with and then continued to see my sister behind the other woman's back!! Amongst other things; these are just a choice few.)

My sister and I were very close growing up - we moved around a lot as kids, were raised by our single mother after our arsehole of a father did all sorts to us emotionally...we were very tight. Only we have had the same experiences as each other growing up - it has affected us both deeply, and we've always had each toher to turn to in order to get through any thoughts/feelings or whenever our dad resurfaces to interfere again.

I suppose our dad has always been a big issue for us - he was never there really growing up - got himself another wife and then had 2 sons, which I think is what he wanted all along. He never had any real time for us girls. Then he split up badly with that wife and we now have 2 brothers we don't see.
He never made the effort to connect with us emotionally, which was detrimental. We have both openly admitted to collecting father figures - I know it's something we both crave and I can see, as she was the youngest and probably understood a lot less at the time, that she has made her choice of man based on our father.

Not to say my sis is a weak character - she is anything but! Gobby, opinionated, clever and has no time for fools - she is very confident and could argue black was white, and make you believe you were wrong when you were right!

Which I suppose is what baffles me about this guy she is with now. It's a long term embedded thing - she has given up so much to be with him. If it had been any of us had done what he had done to her, she would have argued us out by now. Told us where to go. And rightly so! It's taken time, but I can see they are both as bad as each other - there are only so many times you can tell her without pushing her away.
As far as I can tell their relationship has settled down now. They seem happy enough - although I know they both drink heavily and he still has an eye for the women, which has left my sis very paranoid and jealous, which I think he likes hmm

I have a lovely dh, 2 ds's who are both very young. Luckily dh is one of 6 (huge family) so there's never a shortage of auntie's and uncles for them. But it's breaking my heart that my own sis isn't as involved. Ds2 is 8 months old and I can count on 1 hand the number of times she has been to see him. Last time she was here he cried because he didn't know her and she was trying to hold him. I tried to explain why he was upset and she got annoyed!

To put it plainly, I miss my sister. I always imagined we would be close. That she would love being an aunty - she has confessed she doesn't come around because her boyfriend 'doesn't do children'. A ridiculous contrast to when ds1 was born - she was over all the time and we lived much further away! I don't like him being here because he swears at my children, calls them names and is generally horrible - and ignores me in my own home! When I have cooked tea for him!
But I have tried inviting them over again just to spend time with ds's more than anything else.

I've always been there for her - I would class myself as a pretty good big sis (anyone want one? smile ) I just want a bit of reciprocation. Is it always going to be like this now? It is, isn't it? As long as she is with him. sad

Sorry for the rant. Hopefully that's all the info. I don't know why this is hitting me today. I guess I try to ignore it and take it as a fact of life, but it does smart at times!

Katisha Thu 07-Jul-11 12:21:06

I assume she isn't allowed to come to you without him?

kaluki Thu 07-Jul-11 12:21:12

I always wanted a big sister - you sound great. smile
I guess there is nothing you can do except let her know that you are there for her and if (when?) things go wrong with her boyfriend just be there to pick up the pieces.
He sounds vile - in fact when they do break up I will introduce him to my SIL, they will make a perfect match grin

Threelittleducks Thu 07-Jul-11 12:27:55

He is horrid kaluki. sad

I've always made it clear I am there for her. Which I think in a way hasn't helped (oddly) as he then knows I disapprove of him and it makes him more of an arsehole! It's like she's pledged alleigance to him too, so by saying I'm there for her has kinda driven her further away!

Katisha, he won't come over now with her, which is fine by me! But this means she won't come without him - she wants to spend all of her waking moments with him!

Ugh, how did we ever have our relationship torn apart by boys!?

I thought we were stronger than that.

jeee Thu 07-Jul-11 12:30:05

When my sister was with her ex-husband, he wouldn't allow her to speak to me. If I did speak to her, he took it out on her. I remember telling my mum that it felt like I no longer had a sister. The situation didn't change until she left him. But I did get my sister back eventually - and we were closer than before her marriage.

It sounds terrible, but you may have to take a step back - for your sister's sake, and for your own sake. And hopefully one day your sister will come back to you.

Threelittleducks Thu 07-Jul-11 12:38:09

Hope so jeee.

Glad you made it up with your sister.

Been 2 months since I last saw mine sad
It just bites because the dcs are so young. She's missing all the fun.

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