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Confused about my marriage and OW - help/advice please?

(24 Posts)
RoRoMummy Wed 06-Jul-11 17:52:29

Apologies if this is a long-winded one...
Have been married almost 11 years, have 2 DC 8 & 4. Up until 2009 relationship with DH fine, very secure and loving, no major probs. But 2009 was an awful year: 3 people close to us died, I ended up looking after 3 extra children (their mum, my friend, had died), got depressed, overweight and ill. Then I discovered my DH had been having an 'emotional' affair with another woman. I got very upset and annoyed, but he kept saying it was just a close friendship. However, I saw a text one day, she called him her 'soulmate'. I had to get really, really annoyed and shouty before he stopped seeing her. Anyway, I thought they had not been in contact for ages, our relationship has improved a lot in the last year. BUT:
My DH often takes the kids to the park when he gets in from work (I make dinner or go to zumba class) and my DD has let slip today that they meet up! As in my DH and kids arrive at park and often this woman and her 2 kids arrive shortly after.
I am feeling sick with rage, that he knows I feel this is out of order. I cannot believe he's still seeing her after all this time (behind my back). Have spoken very briefly about it today and he says that sometimes, purely coincindentally, they are there. But I think it is planned.
Am I being paranoid? What the hell is going on? What do I do?

virgiltracey Wed 06-Jul-11 17:57:10

IMO you get shouty and angry again and lay down the law. He knows how you feel about this and he has continued behind your back. This needs to stop even if it is platonic (which doesn't seem to be very common!) because its making you feel stressed and upset. If he puts your feelings above hers then he stops going to that park and if he "bumps into her" anywhere then he leaves - immediately.

RoRoMummy Wed 06-Jul-11 18:24:09

Yes this is my gut reaction, but: is there a remote possibility that this IS a platonic relationship? I say this because: I phoned her up last year to ask her to leave him alone (I had seen his mobile bill: tons of texts and calls between them). She said that they were just close friends, platonic and that she was happily married and had no intention of damaging her own marriage. She said I had got the wrong end of the stick and that my DH and her just talk about 'stuff'. At the time I went ballistic and requested him not to have contact with her. My DH behaves as though he really loves me, is very affectionate and gets upset because I am not affectionate enough with him. Sex life not great: kind of functional. But I cannot just forget what I consider to be a major loss of trust. I find it hard to be affectionate towards him because of her / them.
Another thing / possibity: my DH is a very caring, pleasant, loving man who gives everyone attention. I think she has latched onto this and won't let him go? He maybe doesnt see this? Men can be so stupid...
I do love him and I want things to go back to how they used to be. Just not sure how.

Wisedupwoman Wed 06-Jul-11 18:42:35

No, you are not paranoid by any stretch of the imagination. He has had an EA with this woman and they are still in a relationship together. End of.

Of course he will lie and make out you're imagining it - on the face of it, it probably looks innocent, but really it's staged to look that way.

Why don't you surprise him by turning up at the park next time he's due to go?

Check out the look on his face as he sees you arrive.

Such disrespect for your feelings. Sorry OP.

Saffysmum Wed 06-Jul-11 19:15:46

I have friendships with men, have done all my married life. I've never texted any of them hundreds of times, nor called any of them my "soulmate". Nor have I ever turned up and "bumped" into them repeatedly "by accident".

He's overstepping the mark here, but I think you know that. Do what Wisey suggests, turn up unexpectedly.

RoRoMummy Wed 06-Jul-11 22:00:33

Will do as soon as next opportunity arises. I've asked him about it this evening and he claims he had no idea they would be there. Yes he saw them, but says it wasn't planned (by him) and that he no longer contacts her. I have thought long and hard and my gut feeling is that he's being downright stoopid but she is needy & manipulative. After all, she would have to get in her car with the kids and drive 3 miles down the road to the next village, just to go to a playground (when there is one in her village she can use). My husband is an ostritch, he hates conflict. Should I tackle her again?

stargazy Wed 06-Jul-11 22:20:16

Think you are probably spot on that she is needy and manipulative.Sounds v similar to situation with my DH earlier last year except he and OW kept 'bumping into' each other thro a work related situation.However it then progressed to them arranging to meet at lunchtimes almost every day.Like your DH mine a genuinely kind and friendly guy and a good listener- who I now know after months of repairing damage to our marriage and talking over and over it- didn't intend to cross boundaries of friendship but got drawn into lots an lots of texting and her declaring her love for him and more intimate stuff.
But once it got discovered he cut ALL contact with her out of respect for my felings to the point he reorganised work commitments to avoid her altogether.I simply wasn't prepared to accept any less and neither should you.

wompoopigeon Wed 06-Jul-11 22:28:08

You are not being paranoid.
You need to read the riot act.

RoRoMummy Wed 06-Jul-11 22:39:39

Thank you. Have done so, DH maintains that there is nothing going on and said sorry I'm upset. He's pretty thick with emotional issues generally, in other contexts. However think I need to make sure I keep close eye on trips to playground. Am thinking of alternatives. And if I DO see her I'm bloody well going to have to say something...

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 22:45:21

Oh dear

You are letting your husband off the hook, big-style, here

He is the one lying to you

He is the one overstepping the boundaries of your marriage

He is the one that made promises to you

You are falling into a very common trap. This isn't about her, it's about him and the way he is taking you for a fool.

Have you posted before about your husband's "silliness" with this woman ? I remember your name.

BeforeAndAfter Wed 06-Jul-11 22:46:38

I would not tackle her again. If your H still cares for her it could make him act in defence of her and if she is playing the fruit cake and kind of stalking him she might sense your tackling her as a weakness and this could galvanise her further. Her lifeforce <think Voldemort> is contact with your H, no matter how minor, and if she is driving 3 miles to coincidentally gaze at him across a sea of children this seems to demonstrate it. So cut her off at the lifeforce. Follow Wisey and Saffy and show up and put the onus on him to do the right thing, as Stargazy did. I did not have the same experience as Stargazy, turns out my H could not cut off contact. i'm sure if I had confiscated all telecommunications he would have developed a passion for bonfires and sent her smoke signals. hmm. I'm practising with these little smileys. grin

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 22:48:14

Of course your husband "hates conflict"

Why does he keep doing things that will create it then ?

A convenient excuse that, to be "bad with emotional issues" and dodge your wrath, as well as making you feel like you have to examine exactly why this makes you feel so uncomfortable

It sounds like he does "emotional" just fine and dandy with her...

BelleDameSansMerci Wed 06-Jul-11 22:48:51

Agree fully with FarSide, I'm afraid...

What is he getting out of this?

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 22:51:28

He has two women bending over backwards, that's what he is getting out of this

And his wife is very conveniently blaming the OW

OP, this man is very far from being "stoopid", he is playing you both like a fiddle sad

BelleDameSansMerci Wed 06-Jul-11 22:58:46

Be interesting to know if OW's husband is happy with the texts/relationship...

Wisedupwoman Thu 07-Jul-11 06:46:55

I agree with AF and other's I'm afraid.

Making excuses for him (and her) is making a big mistake. We are all needy and manipulative sometimes, but there are degrees and choices to be made as to how far and with who.

Please believe me, if you accept he's just avoiding conflict then although you are not paranoid now, soon you will be acting and feeling it.

It's scary but facing it head on is the only way.

stargazy Thu 07-Jul-11 07:48:04

BELLES comment strikes a chord.I found out because OW partner found texts on her phone and was certainly not happy.BEFORE and AFTER I know my situation isn't the norm and that often they find it hard to cut off contact.Think I was lucky it got discoverd when it did before got in too deep emotionally -not sure he'd made that much of a connection just a stupid plonker enjoying the flattery and attention.But that in itself can be addictive.
Since had comments on how others at work had noticed her flirting with him big time long before.Realize I'm lucky she's history now and not sure we'd be together if she was still on the scene - I just wouldn't tolerate it and I was/am not a jealous type.She just way overstepped boundaries of platonic friendship.

ScaredOfCows Thu 07-Jul-11 08:04:40

Your husband is taking you for an idiot. Maybe you should go to the park with him for a few trips, see what's really going on?

Saffysmum Thu 07-Jul-11 08:12:18

I don't think you need to tackle this woman about anything to be honest OP, the person to tackle is your husband. That you are so upset about it, should be enough for him to ignore her, and find another park to take the kids to! This isn't all her doing you know, he's the one to blame here. Him saying "sorry you're upset" is a cop-out; sounds like he won't do anything to change things at all. He needs to take action to stop seeing her. Let him cook the tea, and you go to the park with the kids for next few weeks - see if she bothers to get in her car to drive three miles then! And swop zumba (WTF is that?) classes for kick-boxing....

Rindercella Thu 07-Jul-11 08:19:57

Yes, I am sure the OW's husband would object quite strongly to her calling another man her 'soulmate'.

This is your husband's responsibility to fix. What a shame you had to hear about the meeting through your DD and not through your H. If he had any respect he would have told you himself that he had bumped into her. You alluded in your OP that this had happened more than once and that your DD 'let slip'. angry I do hope this does not mean your H tried to collude his child into lying to you.

The OW sounds a bit sad/desperate if she takes her DC to a park 3 miles away just to bump into your H. But I have a feeling it has been planned between them and that your H is playing you for a fool.

I remember years & years ago I had a really, really good male friend. Loved him to bits, in a purely platonic way although we were quite flirty. He met a girl, got really serious with her and out of respect for her decided to end our friendship. I was really sad, I missed his company. But I very much respected what he did, and realise now the respect he must have had for her.

Someone said earlier that if your H does not like conflict, why does he do stuff to cause it? That is a very good point. It's time he got his head out of the sand: he is not a fucking ostrich, he is a man. Get angry and make sure this stops.

Rindercella Thu 07-Jul-11 08:28:34

Get angry and make sure this stops.

Meant to say, get angry with him. Not with her.

singledomisgood Thu 07-Jul-11 08:34:33

How does the OW know when your DH is going to the park at certain times? [sceptical]

It must take a lot of effort to stalk him, specially with childen in tow and a distance of 3 miles to contend with!

worldgonecrazy Thu 07-Jul-11 08:45:24

If it is just a friendship then why don't you suggest that you meet up as familes, so that you are all above board, present and correct. If it really is a strong friendship, which can happen between people of the opposite sex, then that would make sense.

Invite her, her kids and her husband around, meet for dinner, do things together.

If he is a feckless lothario there is not a lot you can do about it, but the sooner you find out, the better.

buzzsore Thu 07-Jul-11 08:59:15

I don't think the OW is a stalker. I think your dh is still engaged in an EA with her at the least. You don't need to tackle the OW, it's your dh.

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