relationship suffering .... cant seem to get my head round being a wife And a mother

[bettiejane]

I have been married for 12 years ,i got married when I was 21. I was very happy to be getting married and a year later we had our eldest who is now 11. We also have a 3 year old.

Before we had kids i enjoyed being sexy and flirty and affectionate,however over the years this has completely died for me. My husband does make an effort but even now he has stopped. I think for me the reason is I just dont feel sexy anymore inside when we are with the kids which is most of the time. They take up all my time and energy and I feel sort of gulity and dirty to be thinking of sex when they are around. We used to go away for weekends before we had our second and i was able to feel like a woman again. However, the grandparents find the 2 kids hard work so that doesnt happen anymore. We have not properly been out as couple for a year. I take care of myself and have not let myself go.

Does anyone else feel like this ? i sometimes feel that having kids has destroyed our relationship and as time goes on its getting harder to reconnect. At the moment I just feel like we are 2 people living in the same house looking after the kids,paying bills, doing housework and going to bed to sleep.

I dont want to get to 50 and have had a hardly thriving sex life in my 20's and 30's. I just feel like sex is something other people do,

Can anyone relate to this?

[bettiejane]

bump

[mumblechum1]

Any reason why you can't just get a babysitter, possibly an overnight one?

Once your 11 year old is 14, they can babysit for your then 6 year old, Iwould have thought.

You may not be able to go away for a weekend, but at least you can have a night out maybe once a month or so, money permitting?

[barbiegrows]

You "feel dirty and guilty to have sex when the children are around" - that may be the issue. That's totally normal and it would be weird if you didn't feel that. Perhap you need more privacy at home - time when it's just the two of you or at least a good soundproofed bedroom.

[bettiejane]

hi thanks for your reply. we are currently looking into getting a bsy sitter for a night out. hopefully this will help.

[Deux]

My DH and I went through something similar and hardly ever went out. I was quite anxious at leaving the DCs with a babysitter.

The tipping point was an event that I really wanted to go to. So I just bit the bullet and got a babysitter and it was the best thing ever. The DCs weren't at all bothered and settled really well with the babysitter. (I used an agency). DH and I had a blast and I got totally plastered and staggered home at silly o'clock.

It really helped me see the person I fell in love with and married rather than 'my husband' iyswim.

Plus, we've been out regularly since.

[bettiejane]

I also find in the evening my 11 year old is around most of the evening and in the morning my 3 year old is up very early so not much time together then. We do put my 11 year old to bed at 8-8.30 but he wont actually go to sleep until 10 maybe later- he pretends to be asllep, so even when we go to bed i kind of feel like he is there! we have quite a small house and their rooms are very close to ours.

[barbiegrows]

I can understand completely how you feel. Kids bedrooms are always close to adults rooms, (unfortunately) but do you feel OK if all the doors are shut? Your 11 year old shouldn't need to pretend to be asleep. Perhaps if it's lights out at 9.30 or 10.00 he will actually sleep rather than pretend to?

[bettiejane]

thanks for the reply barbiegrows. we put his light out at 9 but he blooming wont fall asleep! when we do have sex i am thinking he can hear us and it really turns me off! obviously.

i feel so sorry for my husband :(

[bettiejane]

anyone? feeling so miserable about this

[bettiejane]

another problem for example we will watch a romantic film and i think how lovely- there is no kids there to get in the way... is this normal? i know its just a film but when i go to town on a saturday i see all these couples of all ages all loved up and us bickering with the kids. i imagine them waking up having leisurely sex and enjoying the weekend. our weekends generally involve us arguing over stupid things :(

[barbiegrows]

hmm - maybe it's the arguing that is part of the problem.

You should be enjoying your time together as a couple and you should be enjoying your time with the kids. I remember a long while ago realising that it's a privilege to be able to spend time with my kids, not a chore.

I later realised that spending time with the kids was only a chore because of the way DP was behaving.

[bail]

I hear you bettiejane.

The thing is, the couples you look enviously at... well, if they really are in love, chances are they are going to settle down and have children, and their weekends then change and then they may look on enviously at other child free couples. In any event, the chances are that some of those loved up child free couples are desperately trying for children and look on enviously at you and your family.

My convoluted point is that I wouldn't waste your energy thinking about other couples etc as who knows what their situation is.

Back to your original point, I do understand. I have an 11 month DS. I adore him and I adore family life. However, I too was very into looking good and enjoyed regular sex and lots of nights out and leisurely mornings. The arrival of our DS has impacted hugely, I miss feeling sexy (even though I do still look after myself but no where near to the same extent) and I miss alone time with my husband. I have found that scheduling in a night out together (even if it can sometimes feel like a bit of a hassle on the day) really does work wonders and I will make sure that I do some treatment for myself in anticipation like a manicure.

As for your 11 year old, that is a difficult nut to crack. If he is not managing to go to sleep until 10, is he having enough activity during the day? Maybe on a Sat really try to get him out and about to exhaust him!

Good luck
x

[bettiejane]

hi bail,yes you are right about the couples i see! i do think it would be easier to maintain a sex life with just our 3 year old- she is asleep by 7pm. my son is very active he just doesnt ever seem worn out!! when he was little i did make an effort when he had gone to bed sometimes! alas thise days are gone. we both feel a bit mean sending him off to his room early .... oh dear xxxx

[mumblechum1]

Any reason you have to wait till bedtime?

Why not in the morning/when he's at school/popping home for a "romantic lunch"

[ToDoodles]

I completely understand how you feel. We went through the same as ds1 had taken to creeping in to our bed at night. No alone time at all.

We started sneaking home when ds1 was at school and trying to time it around dd2 nap time or pre-school.

It makes it more fun/sexy as we felt we were doing something a little bit naughty

As for the evening out/alone time, i think its really quite important that you spend time alone together even if its just one night a month. Is there anyone else other than one 'set' of grandparents? maybe you could split them up between family members once a month. I wouldn't be too keen on a babysitting agency, but a lot of people do use them.

[pickgo]

It sounds like you've got a bit a resentment towards your DCs and the effect they have had on your life! Perhaps making sure you get some regular breaks (babysitter) and take a few turns with DH to both get time on your own might help.

Any reason why you can't feel romantic when your DCs are around? Do you go into a completely different mode as a mother? Could you work on dropping the overly mother type 'persona' and just be yourself?

Obviously you can't have sex while they are around! But you can be loving, flirty and affectionate even with them there. In fact I'd say it's a great thing for them to see as a role model for relationships.

[ToDoodles]

Try here for local babysitters