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Oh my goodness, I have just realised my mother is narcissistic now what do i do?

(26 Posts)
Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:28:24

I have always found my mum really difficult. I have always been told it is my fault.

I was reading another thread that linked to this http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html website.

I am reading it and shaking...this is my life.

I am in shock

help

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:29:26

now I am really worrying because I bet some how she will know i am writing this.

WriterofDreams Tue 28-Jun-11 13:34:25

Take a breath. Of course she won't know you're writing it. Do you want to explain a bit about how she behaves?

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:39:05

Thanks for responding writerof Dreams.

I know this may sound stupid, but it is really difficult to say how she behaves.

It is all little things, that are some how my fault. It means I have very low self esteem

I have 2DD's too 5 months and 2 years I dont want to do the same to them

iwasyoungonce Tue 28-Jun-11 13:42:23

The fact that you are aware of this behaviour, means that you will make sure you don't behave like it with your daughters.

My dad has narcisstic tendencies, and I am so determined not to be like it with my DC that I parent in a completely different way. Thank god.

WriterofDreams Tue 28-Jun-11 13:42:55

You won't be the same, because you recognise that it's wrong. You may find yourself repeating some of her patterns without meaning to but that's just because that's what you're used to. It's normal, and not the end of the world as long as you try your best to rectify any destructive patterns.

Are you still in contact with your mum?

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:43:34

Some little examples.

Wedding dress shopping with my sister...You have to go and have a coffee now chica, as me and DSis need to discuss it without you. Stupidly I leave and wait and return when she calls me. Why didn't I just go home?

I had an abortion due to a huge abnormality. I gave her a big hug, when I saw her, but later when we were going out for dinner I became emotional again. I didn't want to hug her I needed to keep myself together. I was pushing her away, I must understand how she feels.

Loads of events that have happened in my life according to her didn't happen to me, but to Dsis

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:45:06

I am in contact with her loads. Everyone thinks she is the best mum in the world. In many ways she is????

We live in different countries but talk all the time on skype

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:46:30

Dsis and I don't have the best relationship and she always says she doesn't like it. But i think she likes the face we communticate through her

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:49:04

she makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination”

I have heard this phrases over and over and over

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:51:17

I am so sorry, people are going to start shouting troll because i am drip feeding, but I am in shock...my heart is pounding.

She can never say sorry. If she does it is some how aggressive. I have neverr known anyone to be so aggressive when apologising

WriterofDreams Tue 28-Jun-11 13:54:18

It's a good thing that you are living away from her Chica as this allows you to have some distance. The important thing though is emotional distance. My mother is a very cold person, not narcissistic as such just self centred. For years I tied myself in knots trying to have a better relationship with her. Finally, two years ago after she let me down spectacularly I finally saw that I was just hurting myself by trying to make her be something she will never be. I feel a lot better now in many ways, although I find it very sad that I don't have the close loving mother that many people are so lucky to have.

What do you feel you should do in relation to your mother?

Miggsie Tue 28-Jun-11 13:55:44

Chica,
the Stately Homes thread in relationships has a lot of stuff on it from ladies with narc mothers, and a lot of discussions, it may help to read that and find you are not alone.

It is a massive shock, and you will also realise that your mum is in fact a terrible mother as she is NPD so unable to relate to anyone but herself. However, as a narc, she has contructed an image of herself to the world that she is wonderful, and she collects people round her who feed into this construct.
My gran was the most horrible NPD bitch in the world and made my dad's life hell and also my aunt's. As far as the rest of the world is concerned she was lovely and so generous, and so kind...she was bully and a liar.

Anyway, try the stately home thread and try to calm down a bit.

mycatthinksshesatiger Tue 28-Jun-11 13:57:32

chica so much of what you have said already rings very true with me. I too have a narc mum but only realised after 2 years of therapy for low self-esteem (and lots of time on here!)

It's so hard when you have the type of narc mum with whom to the outside world you have a "great" relationship. Narc mums can be very good at creating an appearance of being a lovely doting mum and grandmother, but the reality underneath that can be very different. Mine occupies an extremely important position in her local community but made my childhood a misery. No-one else would ever guess though and my enabling stepdad has maintained a conspiracy of silence as it makes his life more bearable.

It's very, very lonely when you first find out that this behaviour has a name. You may find yourself constantly questioning your own memories and perceptions of events. You no doubt have an inner critical voice telling you you are over-reacting or being over-sensistive, which is the voice your mum has instilled in you.

Keep coming back here there are lots of us in similar boats. And I can't recommend counselling enough. xx

iwasyoungonce Tue 28-Jun-11 13:58:11

Would there be any merit in completely cutting her out of your life? This is an option to you.

She sounds like a very difficult person. The "people not believing you" bit must be very isolating, and frustrating.

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 13:58:12

I have no idea. Everyone thinks she is wonderful. I guess we are a close family. We are going to visit next month for a week.

She adores her grandchildren.

Emotional distance I think is the key...what to do to achieve it?

iwasyoungonce Tue 28-Jun-11 14:04:21

I think it is about knowledge and acceptance. you now know what she is. You actually have a name for it. And you can now move on to accepting that all those little things were NOT your fault. They were NOT your imagination. And also accept that she will NOT change.

Once you accept these things, you can become detached from it, i.e. less emotional, because you are not investing time and energy into trying to undertand/change her/ please her.

You can simply tolerate her. And maybe also sympathise a bit (hard sometimes) because ultimately she has a condition, a mental disorder. This is how I now see things with my dad. It has helped me.

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 14:07:38

She used to read my diary as a teenager. When my dad found out there was a huge arguement. But it was my fault, as I must have known she was reading it and I was writing more and more shocking things...

She wouldn't let me shave under my arms, she had to do it for me.

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 14:10:05

iwasyoungonce that is the point i need to get to.

I worry all the time about pleasing her or impressing her or having her approval. I am a 34 year old professional woman with post graduate degrees, 2 beautiful DD's and an amazing DH. Why do I worry about her all the time?

iwasyoungonce Tue 28-Jun-11 14:15:55

Because she has conditioned you this way. It is natural to want your parents' approval. She has withheld approval your whole life. You are still seeking it.

You have to realise you will never have it. Nor do you need it. It's hard, Chica.

iwasyoungonce Tue 28-Jun-11 14:19:12

The thing is, deep down, she is impressed by you. Jealous, even. She would just never, ever, acknowledge it.

iwasyoungonce Tue 28-Jun-11 14:24:40

That is why/ how I sympathise with my dad. He is such a shitty dad sometimes. He always favoured my brother and made me feel like a bit of a failure. He found it hard to celebrate my achievements. When I got pregnant with his first grandchild he said he wasn't excited about it.

But all of the above is a result of his low self-esteem and alo psychological "issues" he has. I feel sorry for him. When he dies, part of me will sigh with relief. Part of me will be gutted, and sorry for him that we couldn't have had a better relationship.

cheekymonk Tue 28-Jun-11 14:49:04

My God. That website is amazing.I am shocked too. No wonder you feel like you do chica31. I have fallen out with my Mum yet again and it is all ringing very true... Best of luck ladies in overcoming this xx

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 14:49:27

So sorry I vanished DD2 needed feeding, she is having a growth spurt I think, well I hope, she has been attached to me nearly all day!

Thanks so much for all your advice, I'll have to try and decide what to do now.

Thanks so much

Chica31 Tue 28-Jun-11 14:53:09

You see I never fall out with my mum, because I always back down and agree it is my fault.

However, on their last visit she started complaining about DD1, 2 years. I have never shouted at her ever, the look on her face was priceless before she started yelling back. She didn't speak to me for days. Luckily it was the end of their holiday. Stupidly I apologised and things went back to normal.

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