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rescuing a marriage.. sorry long

(12 Posts)
spicecrystal Tue 28-Jun-11 10:44:59

Dh & I have been married for 4 years. We have a delightful 4 month old DC. we have demanding but fulfilling jobs.

yet we have the most god awful rows. it has been escalating to the point of ugliness. DH spend his time ' proving a point' and doesn't know where to stop when he's angry. He's never hit me but he can get really aggressive and right in your face.

the issue is: I think Dh has anger management issues. 2 months after i delivered, he was going through his solo bank account statements and realised he had spent a substantial amount of money. because i ' laughed' and seemed flippant about it, he lost his temper and demanded i pay him that money because he must have spent it on me. i was so shocked ....... money ahd never been an issue between us. I mean he is very careful with his money and never been tight fisted with it . He watched while i transferred money online into his account. i was too shocked to do anything else. then he says ' how does it feel to have your money gone? not funny?'

later, he apologises and moves the money back.

till the next when he called me names 2 days before my exam saying i was worthless. he apologies saying ' i was stressed about your exam!!!'

but i can't forgive him. i am resentful. and also concerned that in his anger, he has no boundaries. he is willing to go to all levels to ' prove a point'!

My parents have now gotten involved after another particularly ugly fight and are now angry with him. sometimes i think when he gets like that i should just keep quiet and back down but then ...Am I not just saying to him that it's acceptable for him to behave this way? though fighting back seems to fire him up. and he will not back down. he has been up in my face while i was holding our son.

i don't want this to disintegrate into a situation we both can't rescue. in between he is a loving father, mild mannered conscientious man at work.

i'm not sure how to proceed....

SpringchickenGoldBrass Tue 28-Jun-11 10:50:19

Right, this man is not a loving father or a good partner. He's an abusive prick and the situation is not fixable. Sorry OP but he is deliberately behaving like this in order to crush your spirit. The spiteful bully is the real person here, the 'nice' man is a mask he wears. He is verbally aggressive to you, insists on 'winning' every disagreement... I'm sorry but he's going to escalate to physical violence soon; it will start with pushing and finger-poking, 'accidentally' bumping into you or treading on your feet and sooner or later there will be a slap. It won't happen all that often, because the effect he's after is for you to be constantly aware that it might happen again, so you will be afraid of him and desperately obedient.
You have a very clear view in many ways of what he is doing, you say he 'has no boundaries' - but the thing is, he does have boundaries. He won't behave like this at work, or in the pub, the key thing is that he has given himself permission to mistreat you because you are his 'wife' and therefore he can do what he likes with you.

thingsabeachanging Tue 28-Jun-11 10:56:52

Sorry but this is going to have to be a sort sharp answer:

He may not have hit you YET but he is being aggressive and scaring you. He is being violent!

Even if you feel you want to stay the very least you should do is tell him he needs to get propper professional help with his anger management or you and your dc will leave.

This MUST NOT be an empty threat. For both of your safety you must leave if he doesnt seek help. It will get worse and not better and someone will end up getting hurt. If you are not scared that will be you. Be scared it will be your child that is caught in the crossfire!

Diggs Tue 28-Jun-11 11:13:33

Im assuming its got worse since your baby arrived ?

I agree with everything Sgb said . No boundrys ? My arse . He doesnt do it at work or to people in the street , just you , in the privacy of your own home with no one to witness it . Hes fully in control and knows full well what hes doing . Perhaps have a chat with womans aid , this is the start of a slippery slope im afraid , hes already verbally and emotionally abusing you and being aggresive , im afraid i think its only a matter of time before this escalates .

Im sorry youve found yourself in this position .

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 11:17:08

one day soon he will hit you

you keeping your mouth closed, walking on eggshells and and being submissive will just bring that day nearer

best you split now before your dc starts to learn the damaging lessons that living with a father who abuses their mother will undoubtedly impart

he is a shit partner and a worse father

fuzzywuzzy Tue 28-Jun-11 11:26:48

It's not salvageable, unless he himself acknowledges he is in the wrong no excuses, unlike everything you have said, he always seems to have a reason for his anger, and he seems to be blaming you;

He was stressed about your exams...diddums
He got upset because you laughed.

I dont think so!

He needs anger management, but they won't take him on until he acknowledges that he has issues instead of laying the blame squarely at your door.

When he hits you (and it is when, the way he's going), it will be all your fault too, you've already started accepting that his nasty little tantrums are your fault and he's scaring you into doing things ie transferring money to his bank account. He's just testing the waters here, seeing how far you will dance to his tune.

Seriously go speak to a lawyer see where you stand, make sure your finances are in order and he cant touch it (you have a baby to support) and get him out of your life.
Speak to womens aid for a perspective if you dont believe us, would you accept any of your friends behaving this way towards you?

BTW, a loving husband and father would not terrify the mother of his child in this manner, he is not any of the above.

buzzsore Tue 28-Jun-11 12:44:36

You know that this is getting worse, yes? You know that having your child in your arms will not stop him, yes?

The chances are high his behaviour will continue to escalate.

Neither of the causes of his rages you mention are remotely proportionate. That he fixes the blame firmly on you is extremely worrying. He chooses to behave like this, he is an adult human being, he chooses this.

Please talk to Women's Aid.

WriterofDreams Tue 28-Jun-11 13:49:40

You should never ever feel afraid of your partner. Never. A person doesn't have to actually hit you in order to be abusive - getting in your face, shouting you down and forcing you to do things through fear are all abusive, bullying behaviours and they are not acceptable. My worry is that he will start doing the same thing to your DC when he or she is old enough. Do you really want your little one quivering in fear and walking on eggshells so as not to upset daddy?

And come on, call you worthless because he was worried about your exam? A normal person would say "I am so sorry I said that, it was totally wrong and I'll never do it again," not make up some stupid excuse which effectively puts the blame on you. He needs to recognise that his behaviour is way out of line and take serious action to rectify it such as counselling or anger management. If he doesn't even admit the problem then it's time to get out I'm afraid, because, as the others have said, it's only a matter of time till he breaks something and then the next step will be hitting you.

HerHissyness Tue 28-Jun-11 14:08:35

What all of them said, every last one.

You can't save this, you didn't cause it, you can't do a thing about it, and incidentally never could have done.

Your H is abusive, he is manipulative, controlling and a horrific bully. He is not a good father, a good father wouldn't treat the mother of his child like this, never.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, come join us here and we will help you day to day to get through the struggle that is your life at the moment, and help you find the way to a better, fairer, happier and more hopeful life.

TBH, the anger management course is a waste of time. He DOES control his anger, but just not with YOU.

Sadly there is no way out of this, he will not change, he has given himself permission to treat you like this. he feels utterly entitled to do so.

You can now waste the next few years trying to negotiate with him, and failing, being physically beaten (because this is escalating FAST!) or you can see the absolute truth now, be really clever, cut your losses, save the life of your DC and your own and get the heck away from this abuser.

To be really clear, and I am not making this up, YOUR H WILL NOT STOP DOING THIS, IT WILL GET WORSE, IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

Don't stick around (as I did) hoping it would change. I wasted 10 years of my life that I will never get back.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 28-Jun-11 14:38:09

He is a bully, he will never change because he is trying to prove a point to you that he is always right!

People who can't see faults in themselves and will go to any length to prove a point are quite dangerous, and are unlikely to change.
I have a close member of my family (female) who will go to any length to prove a point. She alienated all her close family by her behaviour, then moved away to live nearer other family, it has gone the same way, and it still goes on!

Please do not waste your time, and hope that he will change, he won't. It is ugly behaviour and it will descend to violence if you do not continue to agree with him and do what he says.

fuzzpig Tue 28-Jun-11 14:44:18

Agree with everyone else.

thingsabeachanging Tue 28-Jun-11 18:54:16

I know none of this is what you wanted to hear and it must feel like everyone is ganging up on you. You may even feel like defending your husband.

I am not normally someone who says "leave him" at the earliest opportunity. But in this instance your physical safety is clearly at risk and it makes no difference if dc gets in the way. People ARE capable of changing and/or controlling unacceptable behaviour but ONLY if they realise its a problem and are willing to commit heart and soul and put everything intto changing from the inside out. It is possible but it is rare and it wont happen on its own.

You need to step away and put yourself and dc first. You are not responsible for this, for his actions or for any fall out.

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