What's wrong with me?

[Fragilego]

The last man I loved (XH) abused me.

The next man I cared about turned out to be with someone else and to only want an affair with me.

I thought I'd never love or trust again after XH and fell for him completely, only for him to reject me when I said I wouldn't be the OW. I wasn't good enough for him to choose me.

What is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? Why haven't these men loved me properly? I'm left feeling like there must be something badly wrong with me and that I will never be loved the way I want to be.

[totallylost]

or it could be there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and you have had the misfortune to hook up with the wrong guys who most obviously have something wrong with them!!!

Been there, spent years worrying about what was wrong with me, how could I change and have finally discovered that actually I am pretty damn cool and any guy should feel honoured to have me.

[HerHissyness]

Love, your esteem is low, that is why XH targetted you.

You bravely got out of that and had the extreme misfortune to run into another bastard.

What is GOOD news and something you need to build on, is that YOU rejected the 2nd guy as YOU thought better of yourself than to be an OW. Don't paint it any differently. He offered you terms, you refused, he left - and so he bloody well ought to have done, the skanky dog!

There is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft?

I know everyone harps on about it on here, but it really will help you see that YOU are not to blame for the abuse, and it'll give you some confidence back.

Pop over and see us on the www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1219427-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships thread. Come and talk things through with us, we'll set you right again!

Soon you will get to the place totallylost is in! Bloody well done on that btw!

[Fragilego]

I wasn't all that noble, I was already emotionally involved with him when I found out that was all he wanted and it took a while before I could face letting him go. I did do the right thing in the end but for a while I hung on hoping he would decide to be with me. Not such a nice person am I? Wanting to break up another relationship.

I wish I could believe it was them not me, I did after I split with XH...once I recognised the abuse I started to get some self esteem back and believe it wasn't my fault.

But now? Now I'm hurting again, loving someone who doesn't feel the same and has chosen someone else over me. Wondering why I wasn't good enough to be the one he chose. Feeling like I will be alone forever.

[HerHissyness]

Why would you allow a filthy cheat to make YOU feel bad about your life, about you? where does he get the moral authority to do that?

Simple, he doesn't.

OK so you dithered a bit, but you got there in the end, he was the one cheating, not you. You'd made no promises.

Read the book I mentioned, it'll help you understand a lot more than I can tell you here.

[Fragilego]

I guess because I feel rejected again. And because although I was the one who ended it I still loved him and hoped he would choose me

[Aislingorla]

But all along he had chosen you,to be his ow, not the way you wanted. If his intentions were honest and real to begin with, he would have left his wife first.

[Fragilego]

Not his wife, a girl he had been seeing for a couple of weeks when we met(who is now his girlfriend). So he really did choose her over me and I'm tormenting myself with why she was better than me.

Why I was only good enough to be his bit on the side? Why didn't he like me enough to want to be with me properly?

[HerHissyness]

Does it matter?

He clearly is not a very nice person.

Say he did choose you, wouldn't you worry that in time he'd just trade YOU in?

You have lost nothing there except the time you knew him.

I'd say you got off lightly. That poor girl may very well be cheated on down the line.

[Fragilego]

Probably not really...but at the moment it feels as though it does. It's very raw at the moment and zero contact is very hard because for a long time he has been the one I called when anything happened in my day.

Self esteem has taken a knock I suppose and I can't help being jealous of her, even though I know deep down he probably wasn't the one for me.

I think I'd started to feel like maybe I was ready for a relationship, but now the possibility of one has gone and I wish it hadn't.

[HerHissyness]

You were ready for a relationship, sadly he wasn't.

This is about his letting you down, not your failing anyone or anything.

Don't let a tit like this put you off! He's not worth it! He never was!

Go get the book, before you entertain a relationship, please - it won't take long to read, promise.

[lookbutdonttouch]

I am very new here but have seen enough to know that hissy here talks a huge amount of sense on these boards.

Everything she says above is correct. You had the power and strength to get away from tit number two and now, with the wonderful support here, things will only get better.

Am not going to ramble on as excellent advice has been given, but I do understand and well done for standing up for yourself.