another woman's perfume

[ThatsNotMyPerfume]

Im a regular who has name-changed. 'H' told me he was going to the cinema with his friend and having a few drinks after. He got home at 0423, stripped off downstairs and climbed into bed beside me. I was overwhelmed by the reek of another woman's perfume. I lay there for 10 minutes seething then went downstairs to get my phone and the living room reeks as well where he has discarded his clothes. I don't know what to say to him and how best to handle this. We have been having problems but he told me he would do anything to keep our family together. Normally when he comes home after a night out he stinks of drink. My heart is pounding and alarm bells are ringing :(

[BlackSwan]

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Difficult as it may be - you have to try not to jump to the worst possible conclusion. I agree alarm bells should be ringing and whatever he got up to it's not ok. He clearly thought he needed to cover something up if he undressed downstairs as you say.

Are you going to wake him up? I'm the 'go in with all guns blazing' type - but that's probably not the best approach. I would go in at some point and ask him what he has to say for himself. Tell him you want to hear all about his night and not to leave out any details. Don't let him duck and weave.

Do you have children in the house?

[SirSugar]

tell him he stinks of another woman, if hes fucking about you will find out and get rid of him.

my standard line to any man these days, if you don't absolutely adore me you are of no use to me whatsoever. when they start making you miserable deal with them immediately, no games just hard fact.

[ThatsNotMyPerfume]

2 young children asleep. I'm in the spare bed now and he is in our room. I hate confrontation :( he has already told me his biggest fear is that I will leave him and take his children away and now he smells of another woman. Stripping off downstairs is something he gas done for a while - he claims so he doesn't disturb me....... Plausible maybe but he smells not just his clothes his body smells of perfume.

[ThatsNotMyPerfume]

Has not gas - sorry not very good on phone much prefer laptop.

[ThatsNotMyPerfume]

Also we live in a smallish town and I'm pretty sure the club kicks you out at 3am even stumbling drunkenly it doesn't take that long to walk home. And he doesnt smell drunk :(

[BlackSwan]

Go in and wake him up - you're only going to work yourself up more if you wait. Before you do, can you work out whether it's just his hair that reeks or his hands/the rest of him?

[BlackSwan]

I'm getting very angry on your behalf now...BTW.

[SirSugar]

when you conquer a fear, its very empowering. confront calmly, speaking what you feel, and listen to him. dont try to work out what hes thinking/doing and if he sounds implausable, tell him straight

[ThatsNotMyPerfume]

I know. I know I have to speak to him but I just don't know what to say and you are right I am getting worked up. I don't want a scene when the children are awake so it would be better to do it now.

[ThatsNotMyPerfume]

Sorry x posts sirsugar

[SirSugar]

you can do it whenever you want, personally i probably wouldn't wake him if he didnt get in till 4, give him the opportunity to sleep off his 'excesses' then give him hell later because he won't be tired and have a bigger excuse to be unreasonable

[Putthatbookdown]

Do not jump to conclusions-it could have been some drunken caper.It happens :some peope turn to drink when things are not going well at home or at work.Anything can happen when people drink too much. I would have a chat once this drunken state is over and you can discuss things in the cold light of dawn. get straight to the point: if this a one-off then ok but you arenot prepared to let things gone on like this.Suggest Relate

[SirSugar]

he may have had a 'lap dance'?

[RabidRabbit]

Put his clothes in a bag. Once you have calmed down go and wake him (or wait until he wakes if you can), tell him you'd like his opinion on something, shove the bag under his nose, tell him to sniff, and then to tell you what he smells.

If he went the cinema, and for a few drinks with a friend afterwards, there isn't much reason for his clothes and body to reek of women's perfume. Unless of course the friend was a woman. Or he happened to walk right through the path of a woman spraying perfume.

[ThatsNotMyPerfume]

well I went back through to our bed. He had moved round and he was smelling of perfume and of drink. He seemed to be sleeping so I just lay there but then he got up for the loo. I stayed calm. I asked if he had had a good night? He replied 'ssssoright' I said he was late home and he mumbled 'yeah baby' I asked who he had gone out with and he said his friend H. I said but H doesn't wear perfume. He said no. I said well you smell very strongly of perfume how did that happen? He said when he was in the nightclub there was a guy in the toilets who for a £1 gives you a towel for your hands and then he has 20 aftershaves and you get a squirt. He said it was Issy Miyake. I am not familiar with that but it seems very feminine to me.
I feel crap I was up in the night for 2 hours with my youngest and then didn't sleep after he came in, then had a catnap before my oldest woke.
I've been looking at the Relate website PutThatBookDown there is a lot going on but I've always felt that I could trust him. I think that some outside help might be in order.
Thanks for listening ladies.

[HerHissyness]

OK, get yourself into a department store and go do some sniffing.

He could be telling the truth, that perfume/aftershave thing certainly existed decades ago when I last went to a club, no reason to think it wouldn't still exist now!

[FabbyChic]

Issy Miyake smells gorgeous but it's a mans smell not a womans. It is also not cheap and wouldn't have made him reek.

Is there any makeup on his clothes, look particularly at the shouders and collar.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

People do get sprayed with perfume, and if he is absolutely reeking of it, it is actually far more likely that someone sprayed him with perfume for a joke or indeed, as he said, the toilet attendant was over-enthusiastic. You don't get to 'reek' of scent from shagging someone unless the person kept spraying the scent all the way through the shag.

[Clarence15]

Did he seem particularly flustered when he said this? I can usually tell when dh is lying - he talks too much and starts going off the subject. Tbh it sounds pretty plausible and unless he was acting suspiciously I'd prob believe him. You should check out the aftershave though. And 4.23 is extremely late if as you say the club closed at 3am. Does he usually stay out that late?

Hope it's nothing and you feel reassured later today.

[BalloonSlayer]

"You don't get to 'reek' of scent from shagging someone unless the person kept spraying the scent all the way through the shag."

• or the person sprayed the perfume on the man so the wife would smell it and know something was up, ie it would trigger a confrontation. This happened to someone I knew . . . the OW would do it deliberately, the unfaithful husband never really noticed, either he had a poor sense of smell or was too used to the OW's perfume to smell it, but the wife at home and the children bloody well noticed.
  

Sorry to post that OP, hopefully the aftershave story is true. It actually sounds fairly plausible to me. I don't wear any perfume at all any more and so the smallest amount on someone smells really strongly to me.

[Vix1980]

Maybe playing devils advocate here but i remember being out with my partner and he was sprayed in the toilet by the attendant, he came out stinking of musty flowers for some reason so i said as soon as he approached the table that he stunk and i had to smell that all night. Most of the time the toilet attendants use fake aftershaves anyway so it wouldnt be a genuine one (they would never make a profit themselves if they had to replace genuine bottles).

It does sound like a plausable excuse to me, as someone else said you dont get to reek of scent like that from just kissing or sleeping with someone).

Id wait until hes sobered up a bit then ask him questions about his evening, such as what film, what happened etc, which pub did the go to after how was it, you can usually tell if there lying from just asking normal questions anyway, hope you feel better though, its a horrible thing to be left in the dark about something.

[garlicnutter]

Plausible to me, too. I have smelt OW's perfume on an ex (actually liked it & bought it for myself ) and have also had him coming home soaked in the stuff, in that case from being accosted by a fragrance salesgirl in Harrod's. When you've 'caught' someone else's perfume, it nestles in your skin folds, so more subtle than what you're describing OP.

[BlackSwan]

Phew - well I believe the story - but you were right to be concerned. I hope you're getting some rest and making him take care of the kids!