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dont fancy dh

8 replies

donna30449 · 01/10/2003 15:56

Hi all, at last I have joined up because of the usual reasons I have a problem, and you all seem to know it all in a nice way.

My DH is 32 harrassed, but lovely and i just don't fancy him anymore. I love him I think but i don't want to have sex with him. used my DD as an excuse for a while but she is 6 now, and I think he knows something is up.

What doesnet help is that he is a crossdresser which i used to think was cute and sexy but now its just weird. He doesnet do anything odd just wears lingerie.

help! I really want to fancy him but I cant!

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tinyfeet · 01/10/2003 16:02

Yow! Donna, wish I could help, but frankly I don't think I could fancy a crossdresser either. There are certainly times (long periods of time actually) when I don't fancy my DH. I just sort of go along with sex, hard to explain, but I guess I sort of see it as my wifely duty during those times. During other times, I definitely do fancy my DH. I'm wondering whether it goes back and forth for you. If it does, then it is often sort of mind over matter - if it helps, can you remind yourself of those things that attract you to him? May be the oddest little thing like some expression he makes, the back of his hands or something like that. Sorry, I don't think this is very helpful, but I'm sure there are many others who are feeling the same way as you here.

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waterbaby · 01/10/2003 16:27

Hi Donna; Welcome to MN.
I don't have any answers either I'm afraid. Whenever we've gone through rocky patches I've tried to go back mentally or even physically to the things that attracted me in the first place. If you want to start having (and enjoying) sex again, maybe time out away from being parents would help? Sorry - know this is not very useful, and has probably been tried already. If going 'backwards' doesn't help, how about trying to fall in love all over again. Lets face it, few of us would find the lifestyles its easy to fall into as parents condusive to romantic affairs, so try to create that atmosphere again - whatever does it for you - romantic hotels/nightclubs/nice bottle of wine and comfy sofa... and see if the two 'new yous' still fancy each other... You've changed a lot, you see, in 6 or more years, and have some different takes on life now.

If on the other hand you don't want to start having sex again, then you need to workout what your new relationship is with him. I've discovered with ex's that carrying on having sex with someone for the sake of it is not always worth the anguish - I understad what tinyfeet is saying about desire coming and going, but if its gone completely thats a different matter... and you don't have to have sex with anyone... its your body.

I do sound like a tacky agony aunt now so will shut up!

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sunchowder · 01/10/2003 20:43

Welcome Donna, don't have much good advice for you, but admire your courage to post. I have the oposite problemI want to make love more often than my husband does, so I am quite useless to you here! Good advice from both Waterbaby and TinyFeet. I have never spent any time with a cross dresser myselfis it just the silk feeling that he likes or is it the whole women thing? I don't understand it, I am just so straight and conservative, but I always try to remain open to understand others lifestyles. I wish you the best.

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codswallop · 01/10/2003 20:49

My aunt found out her husband of 30 years was just before he died. Her son ,(in his 50s ) my cousin never found out.

she was less than sympathetic.

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jasper · 02/10/2003 00:47

Donna, I am afraid it is very common not to fancy your husband after being married for a few years and after having children! There are a great many of us out there who fel exactly the same way, even without cross dressing entering the equation!
Wish there was an easy solution but I don't think there is.

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donna30449 · 06/10/2003 12:49

Well thanks folks i guess that at least I am not the only one who doesnet fancy dh although i do miss sex. If anyonewants to swop dh Im open to ides!!!!

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Janstar · 06/10/2003 12:56

Donna, how would you feel if another woman fancied your dh and made him feel desirable? Would you be upset or would you want him to go elsewhere to take the pressure off you? I just thought that maybe thinking that through might help you to clarify your feelings.

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donna30449 · 06/10/2003 15:29

Id probably think she was weird Janstar. Sorry Im not taking this seriously anymore in a way