Stressed about school choice

[Smiler62]

Hi, to cut a long story short, I (and another lady within our group) have this year been "dumped" by a group of mum bullies, which many moons ago I thought were my friends.. Yes, it was stupid to hang out with them, but I tend to always see the 'Good' in people, even though some part of my brain was telling me, ditch them, I needed them, as a new mum. The thing is these are the women I was put in a group with when I had my first born, (NCT group) who has recently started school. I had another baby after her who starts school next September.

The one lady (let's say, the ring leader) kicked another lady out of the group by making her feel uncomfortable (sly tactics). I, at the time, thought it was some kind of awkwardness due to something else happening with me not present. In hindsight this lady I guess realised she didn't want to be apart of it and was "too busy".

After this I wasn't seeing them as much due to a second baby. Another lady of the group moved down South and recently back here.

Then this lady (the ring leader) introduced me and the remaining lady to two of her new mum mates she met at a group. They instantly didn't warm to me, or her (I really don't mean to sound big headed, but I have a heart of gold and I'm the nicest person to anyone, bubbly, smiley, friendly type). There was an atmosphere. Why I had no idea. Then, I just forced the friendship, although it felt hard work I began to like one of them 60% of the time. However, within the two years I had experienced bullying behaviour twice towards me. One when my grandad passed away, they were cold, and said the word "died" or "dead" several times, smirking at each other, (I know, there's insensive behaviour and nasty behaviour, and that was nasty) what they were talking about at the time were cakes, they were baking a cake and making the icing, everything about the cake had died and then one of them says "oh nobody is going to die". Weird. I dashed with my kids. This was a drop in to one of their homes, the group were at, prior to leaving to say goodbye to my dieing grandad, who did die a day later. The other was an incident at my daughters and their kids joint party and they ignored me mostly. After all this, (I have never done anything to them!) within a whatsapp group, they started having a go at me and the other lady ...I can't go into everything as I'll be typing forever, but it was nasty, swearing almost childish school ground bullying behaviour, when we asked to meet up. Lots of "f" words etc. We did nothing wrong and they were reading it all the wrong way. Or likely just trying to pick a fight.

This all happened in the past summer holidays and since we've not spoken. I feel scared of them. I know that's pathetic, but the one girl is very popular and seems to know everyone (via facebook) and I know they are now the types to shit stir, bitch and bully. My daughters school she has started is a good school, but there's another girl in her class and I realised on facebook that her mum knows one of the nasty ladies. She glared at me at my daughters party recently. I feel really intimidated by it all. Not just that, but I've been so depressed thinking I don't want my little girl going to the same secondary school as their kids, and they will do due to my daughters and their daughters having the same feeder primary school. I know I'm thinking 6 years away, but it makes me feel sick. I really am not enjoying the school run, my daughter, and dread applying for my youngest to go there. I really have been affected by all this, and I'm not sure why its happened. The ring leader has bi polar and when she was in her late teens did hard drugs, went of the rails and the other two I dont get. One was excluded from school when she was a teenager. I know I shouldn't link their background to now, but I have a feeling they were bullys at school and now they're adults I dont think its changed.

I really want to move area anyway to get a bigger house, but the other school I'm looking at has an Ofsted of a 3, but the secondary is outstanding. The primary school i like too, its modern, spacious and smaller grouped etc which all appeal to me it's just the Ofsted that worried me. Help! How do I make my husband understand how I'm feeling. To him he's not bothered, but I'm thinking long term and my endless worry that I want rid of them and their kids long term, and if I change it all now I will have accomplished that, and I can move on with my life. Advice would be great, from a very down lady, mummy. I just keep thinking I wasn't good enough for them, that's how they have made me feel, and my confidence has diminished xx

[Hoppinggreen]

There’s a lot in your post but what I would say is that If everything seems right about a school and the only thing putting you off is the Ofsted then go for it. Ofsted is just one small thing, a school can be rated outstanding but not right for your child.

[PathOfLeastResitance]

Same as above. Ofsted is not the story of how a school can fit YOUR child. I know that the ofsted agenda is not my agenda for my child so tend to ignore what they have to say.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Firstly secondary school is so far away at this point people will move away, people will change schools for their own reasons and new people will move in.
Go and look at the primary in the new area. If you want to move, move if it is the right thing for your family not to get away from other people.

[Smiler62]

Thanks both. Yes, very true. I just feel sad in one way, removing my eldest to another school as she has fit perfectly in the primary she is currently in which is a good one. My youngest is a "young" 3 year old, she turns 4 on 28th June so will be a young starter. The school is small (size wise) but there's a lot of children in it, so space is a problem there. All 330 are in the playground together. The ofsted 3 school, is a clean,spacious, more relaxed school with about 140 pupils and around 24 per class (one class per year). I guess I'm sat on the fence. The only other option we have is to try my youngest at my eldest current primary first, but come year 6 transfer them both to a 'none feeder' secondary school, as I don't want them at the same school as their kids because of everything that's happened. But will transferring my kids to a none feeder secondary school be the worst option, or are kids resilient at that age to make friends quickly do you think?

[PathOfLeastResitance]

Only you know your kids. You have to do what is right now, no one can see into the future. I’d move them now.

[Londongirl86]

Hi. I was warned schools were like this. My DD started in September and it's totally not like this. Everyone's nice. But tbh I don't need to be part of groups. I chat to about 5-6 people now. We say hello, good morning and make small talk. I walk home with 2-3 other mums in random orders. I have my best mate in the playground who I do the school runs with. It's all pleasent.

In all honesty though. Focus on other friends. Your partner. Your own kids.

Take her to school and walk home. Don't get involved. Be happy and smiley. Don't worry. You don't need them as your comfort blanket. You are a strong women who is independent and able to pop to take your child to school without needing to feel in a gang.

They sound immature, sour and bitter. There really is no need. If you know you are nice and happy. Talk to other mums or just be with your children and chat to them.

I honestly wouldn't care if I was close to the mums or not. I am glad we can all say hello and there are no evils! Don't worry about six years time. Don't feel intimidated by them either. They don't rule the school. Don't get sucked in anymore. Move on and be you xxx