Shocked to learn DS (4) is one of the school bullies!

[Tex111]

Was called in to speak to DS's teacher today because he dropped his trousers in class and has been pushin other children! DS is 4, will be 5 at the end of July, and started Reception in April. We have never had any behavioural problems throughout nursery, in fact just the opposite. His teachers always said he as a kind boy who was very helpful with the younger children. Now it seems that he has made friends with three other boys who have a reputation for trouble and DS is joining in. The teacher said that at first it seemed that DS was just following the other boys but he's been gaining confidence and is now instigating things himself.

I am mortified and my hands are shaking as I type this. I can barely imagine my little boy behaving this way but must admit that he has been behaving more aggressively at home lately and hasn't been playing as nicely with his sister as he did before starting school. Has anyone been through this and what can I do to improve the situation? The teacher recommended widening DS's circle of friends within the class and I've tried to arrange playdates with other children but now realise that perhaps their reluctance is because of DS's growing reputation! Help!!

[pigleto]

try a pasta jar system with a reward if he has managed to do 10 kind things in a day. This sort of thing helped with my ds. It is much easier for them to do something positive than to not do something negative iykwim.

[Kewcumber]

Four is very young o be a hardened bully - I suspect you will find it quite easy to nip in the bud at this age. Positive reinforcement and disucssing how people like nice boys and invite them to play might help?

[Tex111]

I think the main issue is DS wanting to fit in. When I ask why he's done something like pushing another child he'll say "M was doing it and I didn't want to be left out of the group." Unfortunately the group he's with doesn't seem to behave very well.

I've made a reward chart for DS tonight and we had a chat about doing what's right regardless of what his friends do. I don't think I would be as concerned but the discussion with the teacher today really upset me. She said that they've been getting complaints from other parents about DS's treatment of children. It's just come as a huge shock.

[Anchovy]

OK, I've got a 5 year old boy and the bit I can help with is the trouser dropping.

I think that is quite easy. We have a mantra "your willy and your bottom are private" which is said very firmly. We did have a bit of willy waving when he was 3 when the well toilet trained boys were sent to the toilet in groups of 3 to have a wee before anything exciting happened at nursery. All very understandable but from good beginings we had a bit of showing off fascination. We were very zero tolerance about this: I know it is completely normal, but a tenet of accepted behaviour is that you don't get your willy out in public and frankly the sooner they know this the better. So I think you just drum this in to them - for example DS runs around naked quite a bit after the bath but we always say he can't go downstairs etc.

I think this is something to be consistent about - not shocked: in fact do not invest in it the power to shock - but the message gets through quite quickly.