Repeating Y5

[anothermat]

DD is 8 (Y4) and at an excellent but very big state school with three forms. She has very high-functioning autism - this is not at all obvious to others, a hidden disability so to speak, as she is actually very 'sociable' and highly articulate. It manifests itself as generalised anxiety , difficulties reading social cues, navigating friendships/relationships can be challenging for her. There are no behavioural concerns at school whatsoever and until this year, she has generally been happy at school. She does not require any dedicated SEN support. However, she is increasingly tearful at home and not as enthusiastic about school. I've spoken to her teachers and they are adamant that DD is happy. But I believe her struggles relate to playtime/friendships so are not necessarily being observed by the same teachers. She is late August-born and bright. Many of her class mates have autumn/winter birthdays. My DD looks and is so much younger than them emotionally, even without factoring in the autism challenges. Some of the girls are beginning to enter puberty and just seem so much more sophisticated/grown up than DD - DD doesn't 'get' sarcasm and rather than seek out friends in the playground, she is often alone as she lacks the confidence to join in an established playground group. I just cannot even begin to see how she will be receptive to any learning in her current state of mind. Anyway, I've made enquiries with a private prep about permitting DD to repeat Y5 (so her peers would go on to Y6 and she would repeat Y5 in a new school). This school has a reputation for being very nurturing, is non-selective and is receptive to the idea. My thinking here is that a) Y5 is a high-pressure year when 11+ prep begins to pile on and repeating that year would ease that, b) she would have another year to mature emotionally at her own pace and to build some social confidence c) she would benefit socially and academically from being in a smaller class (and more one-to-one support available at this particular school). I really want to know if anyone has been through this (repeating a school year in another school) with their DC and if it was a positive experience. Obviously there are concerns about moving schools- will DD cope with the change (I have gently broached subject with her and she sees it as a positive suggestion so far), will the children of that Y5 group be accepting of a 'new' class member etc..From my point of view, being top of the class is not important - I just want her to be happy, not 'grow up' before her time/enjoy being a child before the added social pressures of secondary school and obviously for her do as well as she can.

[AjasLipstick]

My concern would be high school. Would she be expected to skip the year her peers were going into and enter the next year above? But I do understand your worries. My older DD had a lot of issues in primary. She's July born and though no diagnoses, she has a lot of Aspergers-like qualities and sounds like your DD. However....when she finally did go to High School it was like another world. She did catch up in terms of physical maturity...they all even out by age 13 or so. And she also had a broader choice of friends and now she has a fantastic group of like-minded mates...all of whom are on the quirky side. She's 14 and never a weekend goes by when she's not going to the cinema or shopping. They're boys and girls all together and I never would have thought I'd see the day when she was so sociable and happy. What would the high school situation be after prep?

[anothermat]

Thank you, Ajas. I've made enquiries and she would not need to skip a year in secondary.

[AjasLipstick]

The other issue would be this; would holding her back solve her problems with interaction? Not necessarily. I advise you to find her interests, hobbies and passions and focus on them HARD.

If she likes art...encourage it with classes and helping her to enter contests. If she likes computers...put her in a computer club.

These things not only build confidence because children learn that they're unique in their talents but also puts them in the company of like-minded children.

[anothermat]

Yes agreed, repeating the year wouldn't solve the social challenges but I would hope she would develop and mature in her handling of them, even that's a 'fake it to make it' skill she acquires.
That's great advice concerning the hobbies and passions. She is capable of so many things but has no confidence or self-belief. I'm working hard on that...

[HardofCleaning]

I assume you would then keep her in private education? (Otherwise the secondary school could insist she returns to her "correct" cohort).

I think it sounds like a good idea personally. Obviously it won't completely solve her issues around social interaction but it will remove one obstacle of her being the youngest in her year. Does the prep school have experience with ASD/social issues?

I think you'd still need to look into getting DD help with anxiety and social skills (are there any local groups for young people with ASD? Any OT which specialise in this? especially with girls?) but this might be a helpful step towards building her confidence.

[AjasLipstick]

Hard we covered that in my first question.

OP it really helped my older DD. She was and is good at art so I had her enter a contest online and she was one of three winners. It really boosted her.

I'm also seeing a mum in my younger DDs class (they're 10) who'se DD is having issues socialising and she's a good singer so her Mum is encouraging that with all her might.

Pushing her you might say but it's had a positive affect as all the other girls are impressed with her skills.

Have you tried role playing? Also, have you watched her interacting recently? Sometimes it's possible to teach the correct responses.

[HardofCleaning]

AjasLipstick

I saw but OP had made enquiries but it didn't say where - could be that she can only guarantee not missing a year if they stay in private which has the disadvantage that she couldn't look at state options where they might have more specific resources for ASD.

Lots of state schools are very anti-out of cohort children. OP mentioned 11+ grammar schools will often not consider it as it screws up standardised 11+ testing.

[GrasswillbeGreener]

This is interesting to read, for me. My daughter (eventually diagnosed ASD at 14) grew increasingly apart from her classmates at that age and moved schools for year 5 (in part to sing). Old in year so we weren't dealing with that as well, very hard to know whether we might have considered dropping her back a year had she been young. I agree that confidence is the most important thing to foster, so that even if they remain limited in their friendship groups they know what their strengths are. I hope things work out for you both.

I remember a friend of mine young in year repeated year 5 at a different school; we ended up at the same school again later and I recall that she was much more confident by then. In her case it was health problems and missed school that led to benefitting from catchup time.