Email tonight or wait til tomorrow? Hitting in class.

[WhatToDoAboutItAll]

DS is 9yo. Summer born Yr5. He is very sensitive and funny. Not a footballer or gamer. Tiny for his year group. He has one friend at school - they are both the slightly quirky ones who are 9yo going on 6yo iykwim. A bit out of the loop from everyone else but happy all the same.

He never tells me much about school. He seems happy, always laughing. Probably chats a bit much in class (we tell him not to) but also never been in trouble. School reports and parent's evenings always no real issues.

We have parents evening tomorrow night. I was just asking DS a few questions about school to see if there was anything he was worried about that we needed to bring up. It really is like getting blood out of a stone with him.

Anyway, he began to get upset and told me that his learning partner "Bob" has been hitting him. Tears at that point from him. Then he totally clams up "I don't want to talk about it." Lots of quizzing later it turns out that (from DS"s viewpoint, as I know there are 2 sides to a story) "Bob" sometimes slaps him on the face or pulls his ears. Maybe happens once or twice a week. Tends to happen is "Bob" gets annoyed with DS. It hurts. I think both emotionally and physically. (BTW "Bob" is one of the tallest in the class). DS not happy to try and tell the teacher if it happens "Because I will just be told to be quiet or go and sit down." Not happy to say anything to "Bob." DS just wants to wait until his teacher moves the desks and children around again.

I have finally got DS's agreement to talk to his teacher about it. I have told DS it is not acceptable and I will help him to get it to stop.

So, and sorry for the length, should I send a separate email to his teacher about it before parent's evening appointment or just wait to discuss it then?

Mostly I think just wait as easier face-to-face. But am tempted with an email tonight as

1. There are severe time restraints on the meetings
   
2. I don't want it to happen to DS again! I would prefer his teacher was aware and ideally moved him as soon as possible. I would be gutted if after finally telling me, and me telling him we would sort it he got his ears pulled again!
   
   Would I be letting DS down by waiting? Would it be more sensible to wait? Or send an email now so the parent's evening appointment was not hijacked by this?
   
   It sounds so silly asking the question really? But not really had an issue like this before so I don't know how to deal with it.
   
   (Oh and DS at breakfast club in the morning, otherwise I'd just grab his teacher first thing)
   
   WWYD?

[catkind]

Send an email. I think teacher would prefer not to have something like this sprung on him/her at parents' evening, and probably has other stuff (s)he'd like to talk about too. If it needs discussing at parents' evening, it will give them a chance to try to see what's happening tomorrow.

[Gunpowder]

Defo send email now. Poor DS hope it gets sorted ASAP.

[Sirzy]

I would send an email tonight and would also very much encourage your ds to talk to the teacher himself as any decent teacher would rather a pupil told them so they can help than a pupil getting upset

[BabyOrSanta]

Also, if you discuss this fully at parent's evening, you don't know if Bob's parents are the ones stood right behind you...

[WhatToDoAboutItAll]

OK, thank you.

Have tried to get DS to agree to talk to the teacher but seriously, him telling me is miracle enough!

[user789653241]

I would send an email. Definitely. Now. If you tell the teacher at the parents eve tommorow, she wouldn't know, or have time to investigate the issue.
If she has knowledge of the issue earlier, you can have more constructive talk tommorow night.

[WhatToDoAboutItAll]

Thank you all. Have sent something. May not be the best email in the world but you are all right - best to send it in advance.

My poor little DS .

[Ginmummy1]

Do let us know how you get on a parents' evening. I hope the teacher takes it seriously and things improve for your DS.

[BrendansDanceShoes]

You have absolutely done the right thing in contacting the teacher directly the moment your DS has told you about this. My DS experienced similar problems in class ( more banter than physical though) at a similar age. He didn't tell us for weeks, but thankfully it got sorted quickly once we were aware. Now he has the confidence that if a similar occurrence happens again, he will tell us straightaway. My DS suffered by not being one of the footballers, competitive boys have little empathy for non footballing types at this age I have found. However, my DS conversely suffered by being tall for his age. In a mixed year class, he also found life hard from the boys on his table in the year above who didn't take kindly to him being taller than him and sometimes better at the work than they were. We taught him resilience. If they said things in class or prodded him, he quickly found the teacher noticed if he said 'Bob has hurt my ear/ has said I am a etc, and I cannot concentrate on my work'. The emphasis on getting work done made teacher notice. In addition, whilst i am not condoning the bullying, think and discuss with your DS why the Bob the bully may be doing it. When we talked through the 'he doesn't understand why if you are 8 and he is 10 you are taller/better at 6x table/spelling etc' with my DS, this has also given him better tools for coping going forward.

[Starlight2345]

Only just read post.. I am glad you have emailed..

Children been hurt never should wait.

I would also tell teacher why DS won't tell her..At least she will get the chance to explain to your DS she will listen. They make up their own theories of a teachers response

[crimsonlake]

I would not be certain that the teacher will read the email in time for tomorrow, she may be very busy preparing for the parents evening.

[WhatToDoAboutItAll]

DS's teacher was fine about it all. She had seen the email - she started off by sort of apologising for not replying - but I said it was fine. She will have a chat with DS to reassure him he can go to him and also move him.

She did ask if we wanted to find out what was happening/why "Bob" was doing it and both DH and I said we really, really didn't care. We needed DS moved a) so he isn't hit and b) so he knows telling us/his teacher about something is a positive thing.

How the teacher deals with "Bob" is up to her. I think it is the sort of thing that would be impossible to spot. You'd have to be looking in the right place at exactly the right time. And for it to happen again would mean leaving DS sitting next to him.

It was interesting though - she thought he had no issues socially - was very funny, charming and friends with all the others in the class. She was very surprised when both DH and I said he felt he only had one friend and felt he really didn't fit in. That disappointed me a bit - that she hadn't noticed. Though I suppose he seems and generally is a very happy little boy. He might not really fit in but I don't think it really bothers him too much. Football and "being tough" are not his thing and so why should he be bothered if he doesn't play with the groups of people who are into it.

Anyway. DH and I happy (as long as the moving him happens) and DS seemed relieved when I told him. He says he kinds of wishes he hadn't had to tell me - that the teacher has spotted it herself and moved him without him having to say something. I told him sometimes these things are really difficult to see so he must say something.

Poor wee boy. Still we had a post-parents-evening celebration meal of steak and cauliflower cheese and he is now running around like a loony at Cubs so all is well in his world. .

Thank you everyone.

[Starlight2345]

Great step forwards..

My DS has worried about popularity and when I mentioned to the teacher she was surprised , I have learnt it was his perception rather than re reality.. Not saying this is the case here but worth considering.