Advanced search

Get £10 off your first lesson with Mumsnet-Rated tutoring service Tutorful here

Defending my child to another parent

(12 Posts)
MeMum30 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:57:33

Hi, my dc was befriended by a child who was not the same personality type - over- sensitive, agressive, screams a lot, places blame. I didn’t want my dc to be friends but couldn’t stop them obv, tried to get dc to be themself, talked about other child’s behaviour not being exactly normal, not always kind etc

Parents seem to have taken issue now with my dc, saying my dc has been doing something which seems to be mean (it’s a minor thing but I’m being deliberately vague here sorry). Trouble is, my dc is now acting defensively following several incidents in which other child was mean, placed blame onto my dc.

How do I let the parents know that I don’t like my dc behaving in a way which seems mean (I’ll be having words with my dc), but that it all started with their child’s behaviour to my child? I feel very strongly that my dc is being tarred with the same brush as their dc when they are worlds apart.

Any advice would be great. sorry for vague outline I hope something here makes sense!!

Coffeekin Sat 11-Nov-17 23:45:52

Sorry you are going through this. It's so upsetting when our children have a hard time with friends.
Is it necessary to speak to the parents about their child? From your (admittedly vague) description it all sounds a bit chicken and egg. Sometimes the nicest of kids can have personality clashes with others. Does the other child clash with many other children, or is he'she generally well-liked?
Arranging playdates with other children is always a good idea I think. Building up new friendships is great, as it means your child can be less reliant on the child with whom he/she is clashing.

MomToWedThorFriday Sat 11-Nov-17 23:48:25

If there’s no SN here I’ll eat my hat. How about you don’t speak to parents at all, and just let school deal with it?

Wolfiefan Sat 11-Nov-17 23:50:15

Is this at school? If so let the school deal with it.
Encourage your child to play with different people.
Please don't tell your child that another child isn't behaving in a "normal" way. Be careful with your words. They will repeat them to the child, who will go home and tell parents and they they will be upset too!
If your child is appearing "mean" deal with that. They need to walk away and report unkindness. Not retaliate.
And remember. No child is an angel. Not even yours! grin

MeMum30 Sat 11-Nov-17 23:58:37

Sorry bad use of words, child is aggressive to mine, intimidating, not behaviour I’m wanting mine to copy. I’m extremely careful with my description of behaviour to my dc, just wasn’t thinking in my post. Sorry again.

MeMum30 Sun 12-Nov-17 00:10:41

Thank you Wolfiefan that’s just what I told my dc actually, walk away show everyone you’re the bigger one, good behaviour shines through etc

I don’t believe there are SN involved, just a child who hasn’t maybe grown up as much as peers yet?

MeMum30 Sun 12-Nov-17 00:14:25

Thanks for all your comments, I’m just feeling defensive on behalf of my dc and it’s so hard to know how to deal. Dc is the sweetest, not perfect of course !! but to see actions dc makes because they’ve been backed into this defensive corner . And then that the parents can’t see what’s happening! That’s what’s upsetting.

Wolfiefan Sun 12-Nov-17 00:20:25

Don't engage with parents.
And don't justify poor behaviour by saying your child has been backed into a corner.
Focus on giving them strategies. If x happens then you can do a, b or c.
And definitely encourage your child to cultivate a range of friends. Some kids just aren't a good mix!

Crumbs1 Sun 12-Nov-17 00:25:16

Maybe back out and let them learn to establish and manage relationships themselves?

LionsTigersBeers Sun 12-Nov-17 01:35:33

Describing another child’s behaviour as “not exactly normal” is not on.

If you are unhappy about this other child’s behaviour and its influence on your child, please talk to the class teacher.

Coffeekin Sun 12-Nov-17 09:09:56

* And then that the parents can’t see what’s happening! That’s what’s upsetting.*
With all respect OP, what makes you so certain that you can see everything that is going on, and that you know exactly what your child is doing in the playground, while that the other parents are blind to their child's misbehaviour?
I am sorry to point that out to you, as you are clearly very uspet, and I feel for you. But in that situation, it is very easy to lose perspective and get drawn into playground politics.
Have the other parents raised the issue with the school? If so, I think you can relax, as the school should be watching carefully. Teachers have a range of strategies they can use. If the other parents haven't contacted the school, then I think you should do so.
Just try to keep a cool head, don't say unkind things about the other child (you can see the reaction you have received on here for your description of the other child), and focus on helping your child to make new friends.

catkind Sun 12-Nov-17 21:52:57

Where is this happening? If you saw the other child being mean to yours then a quiet and extremely factual word with the parents to tell them what happened.

If someone else was in charge of them at the time (e.g. at school) then tell whoever was in charge and let them deal with it. For preference I'd say nothing at all to the parents in that circumstance. If pushed, "the kids don't always seem to get on well". If they say my child says your child did xyz, "I'm sorry to hear that, I'll have a word with them, and make sure the teacher knows too." - and tell the teacher the full story your child gave you.

My kid says your kid says .... it's just a recipe for disaster.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: