Spiteful children

[carmen66]

Hi
I'm looking for a bit of advice please I'll try not to make it too long
My DD is in year 4 & has been friends with one girl since nursery, however when they started year 3 were seperated into different classes when another girl joined the school & was in my DD's friends class.. The three girls played together fine but every now & again fell out.. I advised my DD to venture out & make other friends as I think it's inportant to have a circle of different friends. My DD continued playing with these two girls until one day they had a big fallout over brand name shoes because my DD's didn't have the logo on them.. It all blew out of proportion & my DD & her friend haven't spoken in over a month. This particular girl is spoilt & tbh I'm happy that my DD isn't playing with her any more but the girl that she fell out with is making her life awful at school she's giving dirty looks to my DD & although she won't approach my DD herself she's getting her friend to be nasty & horrible to my child.. My DD told me that even other girls in year 4 have approached her & took sides with the dare I say it bully... My child feels very alone at the moment & is losing confidence I told her that she needs to stand up for herself & give them horrible looks. My child finds it hard to make new friends she is my only one btw. I would love to have play dates maybe on a friday but I don't know all the mums because most are new to the school & catch the school bus...

[smee]

Your poor daughter, though I'd say don't tell her to fire back nasty looks. After all two wrongs don't make a right and it could just escalate things/ give them ammunition. I'd get in touch with the school and ask them to work it through with them. You don't have to get the other girls in trouble if you don't want to, just say that your daughter's struggling and feeling left out. Got to be worth a try as even if it doesn't make them friends again it might stop the bullying.

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

I would start by speaking to the class teacher or the inclusion leader and explain what has happened and what the situation is from your daughter's perspective at the moment.

The problem may be to do with this argument and this girl BUT underlying the way your daughter has felt able to deal with it would indicate she isn't as confidence as she could be and the school can help her learn to have more confidence and higher self esteem. This will be great for her all round so I would ask for advice on helping her with this. Naturally if she becomes more confident then she will realise she is better off with out a 'friend' like that and feel happier about approaching and playing with others.

If you want to invite someone over who you don't know then I would send in a note addressed to 'x's parents' and give them your contact details, explain your daughter would like to invite their child over to play and could they contact you please. That is how I have done it when I haven't know the other parents.

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

in fact PERSONALLY I think confidence and self esteem work should be part of the national curriculum somehow as it is the root of so many children's issues, anxiety, stress, depression, a lot of bullying stems from the child bullying being insecure or lacking in confidence etc. If we could get children to be confident and self assured (but not cocky and overconfident) then we would be doing them a huge favour for their future lives. unfortunately it is so hard to do.

[MyFirstName]

Second what PP have said - also try something like this for your DD
www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Popularity/dp/1609582233?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I gave a copy to DD when she was having similar issues and we sat and role-played a few comments/comebacks she could use. It appeared to give her an inner boost of confidence so a lot of the issues disappeared without her having to actually use the come-backs.

She needs a "tool-box" of how to deal (both internally with how she thinks about other people's nastiness, and externally - ie how she responds). I am trying to teach my DD to think "meh, their loss" if people are mean to her - but also not just to do the weak "Ignore it" crap I was given. Some things you do need to challenge. Politely, appropriately - but by saying something you are telling the mean people you will not just be a walk-over. I suppose it is the girl equivalent of Did you mean to be so rude?

[nochangewanted]

I would be talking to the school. If this has been going on for over a month then the school should be involved

[Betsy003]

I don't think getting your DD to give them horrible looks back will be productive.

Talk to the teacher. She needs to work on values, friendships and kindness. It's the teachers job.