Sensitive problems at school -change school?(28 Posts)
My daughter is very shy and quiet during parent evening her teacher said she has no friend in her class, she is always on her own.
When picking up my 5 year old (girl) from school today, her teacher told me that there was an accident during lunch. 2 boy (from her class) cornered my daughter and told her to take her clothes off - she did, the teachers noticed and took her to her class teacher.
I don't know what to do now. I asked the teacher for a meeting with the head tomorrow, but I cannot see my daughter going back to that class ever again - she is crying not wanting to go back and quiet frankly I don't want her going back as she has no one there and the boys might start bullying her now. The school usually give slips saying when she hit her self or go a bruise somewhere shouldn't they have given her one for this?
Also should have they called my straight away -not wait 2 hours for the school to end?
I want to know what I can do. I want her to go to a psychologist can I ask the school to organised it for me (can't afford one privately)?
Also I don't want her in that class anymore, will the school help me by change it or should I change schools?
I don't want her going back now to that class so she will be absent from school until I sort it all out. What can I do to stop the council fining me - should I contact them?
Any help/advise would be grateful!
Personally I would down play it to her as much as possible. if you let her stay off, then it will be much worse getting her back to school-any school.
As the teacher spoke to you, I wouldn't expect a slip as well. A slip is basically to explain bruise/cuts and to suggest you check that all is okay later (esp. a bump on the head).
I wouldn't expect a slip for that sort of incident, but it was right of the teacher to speak to you-teacher speaking to you ime means it is more serious than a slip. Unless she was inconsolable, again I wouldn't have expected a call.
Was she upset about it happening, or was she upset because she thought she was in trouble?
At 5yo they often don't have friends. The question is whether she is choosing to be on her own-in which case she can be gently encouraged to join in with others; or the others are excluding her, which can be bullying. Ime strong friendships only start for the most part in year 1, and often not until year 2. Have you tried inviting friends back after school?
One of my dc excludes herself, she'll choose to sit on her own, and even refuse invitations to sit with others because she lacks confidence in that way.She is actually quite popular in a quiet way-she's the one they choose to go to for help and support.
I doubt they will be able to move class unless there's space in the other class (ie less than 30). But this happened at lunchtime, so being in class with them is slightly irrelevant.
It may be nothing like as sinister as you think it is. I remember at year 1 level playing houses, and one girl said to another, "we're going to bed now, so get undressed" and us watching in surprise as the other girl unbuttoned her dress. We meant "pretend to get undressed" she thought we were really doing it, we stopped her pretty quickly, but what I'm meaning is that it wasn't necessarily a malicious incident.
How stressful for you and for her. I would look into moving schools as soon as possible. Not so much because of this upsetting incident, but because she hasn't made friends there yet.
I thought after reading the first few replies that I had mis-read the post but nope it definitely says 'cornered' so I would say bullying. I wouldn't be happy about that OP it sounds to me like she is doing whatever they tell her because she wants friends, your poor Dd. Does she have any difficulties which may contribute to her shyness? e.g. Any speech delays, eye sight or hearing problems?
I would speak to the HT because I would like to know how the situation was handled regarding the 2 boys, and to make sure this doesn't happen again. Also how they are intending to help your shy Dd to interact with her peers.
I am a little confused. She is 5 with no friends. Surely school would have been in touch before parents evening to chat about this. My school would have done. It's important. Teachers and playground assistants would have not let her be left alone and friendless at break times. If she's been at pre-school (at same place) surely you'd have heard about this before (as she's been there for 3 years).
In terms of taking her clothes off... the boys involved are also 4/5/6 (am assuming in Reception/Year 1)... could it have been a 'silly' game (from the boys point of view). Did your daughter think it was funny at the time (i.e. just a game), or was she scared and did what she was told in fear. If so that is shocking.
If she is in Year 1 with no friends then I think you have MAJOR issues with the school and their lack of communication. If in Reception (though almost half-way through the year), less of an issue, though the school really should be communicating with you more often.
I wasn't suggesting she brought it on herself , just that she might have innocently cooperated rather than felt forced at the time . I had assumed she was newish to the school, what have the school/you tried to encourage friendships ?
If the OP's dd is in Year 1, then maybe she means 3 years as in Nursery, Reception and now this year.
I assumed age 5, been in nursery,
It sounds like she is desperately unhappy. I would be fuming in relation to this. Willing or not (and I think that is horific to suggest she brought this on herself) she has no friends, was cornered and thought that she should comply with the boys in order to keep them playing.
The school has some responsibility here in relation to letting you known about the incident and dealing with the incident so I would meet with the head. Personally I would leave her off while you deal with that. Have a plan of what you want and stick with it. Im sorry to hear this. I hope things get better soon.
How old us she? 5? But then can't have been there 3 years.
Why hasn't she got any friends?
How many clothes did she take off? Her top? Her skirt? Her pants?
Sorry... if she's 5 (as stated in original post) how come she's been at school for 3 years now... or was that pre-school/nursery etc? If she's been there 3 years, surely the teachers should have encouraged friendships...
Have the parents of the boys concerned been informed, I wonder? If it were my son (God forbid) I would want to know.
Have you looked at your DD objectivity.
Why hasn't she got any friends?
I had no friends at primary, bar one...I was moved at 9 and had best friends who I am still in contact with now ( 25 years later) within two weeks!
If she has been there for 3 years and is still so young perhaps you should move her.
Does she have a different back ground to the other children? cultural differences, are you able to look at her from other eyes to work out what the problem is? I was certainly over whelmed by the huge class I was in and then moved to school with much smaller classes was wonderful.
I am worried that she can be bullied by the boys now- they have a big group of friends in the class my dd in by herself. The boys involved are no angles even though they are five they have seem to caught on the fact that my daughter has no friends and she gets picked on, when I asked her for names she cried said she cannot tell me cause they won't let her with them play anymore. I don't want her to be in a situation again where she is by herself. She's been in school for 3 years now but she still hasn't got any friends so I'm hoping a change of class or school will help her get some friends.
When she told you op how did you react.
I think that is probably the way the op has interpreted it, obviously shocked having been put on the spot when told. However perhaps she needs to meet more formally before coming to such a conclusion, if only to establish the actual circumstances and how things have been handled so far. Withdrawing her child and seeing a psychologist seem extreme reactions to this on its own.
You should ring the headteacher and make an urgent appointment with her for tomorrow.
I disagree that your DD shouldn't go to school tomorrow - I think she should, because it will play down what happened today and it will give you time to meet with the head and discuss strategies going forward.
I think you need a very clear idea of what exactly happened before you make any big decisions.
"take her clothes off" - what exactly did they ask and what did she do? do you know? There is a world of difference between a mutually funny game of "take your socks off and we'll tickle your toes" and two boys forcing her to unwillingly take all her uniform off. Had they been playing a game in class that might have made them think it was funny/a game? The former, then a few quiet words about not playing that game again would suffice; the latter is clearly far more serious and would require measures to be put in place to stop what is already bullying. I wouldn't leap to any sexualisation assumptions at all - at this age they routinely change for PE in front of each other so it won't (necessarily) have any sexual implication at all.
She's clearly taking time settling in; what have the school been doing about that, in a wider context? Are they helpful? have they brushed it off?
Wow. I've been on MN a long time, but this must be one of the most bizarre and distressing things I've read.
The school should have called you immediately after an incident like this. (How much of her clothes did she take off?)
You should defiantly go and speak to the HT first thing tomorrow. You should consider raising the incident with the governors if you are not happy with the HT's response.
Don't send your DD into school tomorrow morning. You need to think carefully about what is best for your DD.
Is it possible to change schools? I would seriously be considering finding another school, but she sounds like a child who might not cope well with change. You need to consider carefully what is best for your DD.
If you feel your daughter needs to see a psychologist, it might be best to as your GP for a referral to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. Some GP's refer easily, some need you to be quite pushy. If you don't get anywhere immediately go back again (and again) to the GP, if you feel this is what your DD needs.
I agree with playing the incident down to your DD.
I didnt read naughty game, I thought op meant they were bullying her child, two boys cornering one shy girl and asking her to do something..which also happens to be strange and odd..that being take her clothes off.
They could have cornered her and asked her to do anything which I would interpret as cruel but in childish remit but the taking the clothes off is odd.
Hopefully it would raise a safeguarding issue but op would not be party to that.
I would not be happy that two boys that age where doing sexualised behaviour.
I didn't read any thing into the op of it being anymore than a naughty game gone wrong, rather than that they pressured her or were acting in a deliberately sexual context. Was she upset at the time for example? The children involved are 5. Yes they all need to learn that this is unacceptable and the dd that she doesn't have to do as she is asked and must tell if she feels uncomfortable or wrong.
I agree with LIZS on the playing it down...
Your daughter apparently acted willingly and perhaps only became upset when adults intervened and she realise her mistake
willingly in what context..willingly out of sheer fear and terror?
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