DS left out at playtime

[mamasmissionimpossible]

My ds is 5 and is close friends with one of the girls at his school. They have been close since reception and now in Year 1. However, this is the second time ds has come from school and said that he has no one to sit with at lunchtime and eat his packed lunch. Also, at playtime his friend is going off to play with others and leaving him out. He came home today and said to me 'this was the saddest day ever' and was visibly upset about it.

I feel so :( for him and know how fickle some girls can be when it comes to friendship. I have encouraged him to play with others, but he said they tell him they are too busy with their own games.

I'm just looking for how to advise him with making other friendships. I feel he has made it difficult by keeping so close to one person and really want him to widen his social circle.

[ChippingIn]

Oh poor little fella :(

Try speaking with the TA/Teacher to see if they have a 'Friendship Bench' or whatever, most schools do. If a child wants to play with someone they go to the bench and someone goes and asks them to join in :)

Maybe try asking them if they can enlighten you as to why he's not making many friends?

[Insomnia11]

and know how fickle some girls can be when it comes to friendship.

Ugh, it would probably help him if you didn't pass on your misogyny, for starters.

But seriously, he is five, all kids change friends like they change their socks at this age, things will settle down for him soon. Make sure the school deal with bullying well though. It can be bullying to deliberately exclude someone.

[lljkk]

he can't be sitting alone for lunch, I mean, they don't get to, unless they are the only ones left eating at end of lunchtime (which does happen a lot in reception). There isn't space to eat alone otherwise, they have to share a table with other people.

[lljkk]

Sorry, only half replied: can you ask him to name some decent other lads in his class & chase around the playground finding their parent/carer to as, them around for playdates? It's awful to cold-approach like that, but it does work, sometimes, to kick start a social life.

[madwomanintheattic]

nowt to with girls or boys, it's just how the early years are.

the school will have a policy, either a friendship bench or spot, or a buddy system. they won't jump in straight away, as it's important to see if kids can sort it out themselves, ie go up to another group and join in their game or whatever.

for those that can't, it's easy enough to sort. just mention it in passing to the teacher or TA that you have concerns he isn;t mxing socially, and they'll put in their place their normal prorocols.

it's very ordinary. just sometimes needs a nudge. but awful to contemplate as a parent.

i had to e-mail dd2's teacher to ask her opinion of dd2's social skills and ask her to get involved (she's y3 in a new school and had been essentially following the boys from next door around. (neither of whom are even in her class or yr group)) she has cerebral palsy as well, so is automatically pretty much outcast as different until she manages to find a friend (if). being new and trying to find a friend in an existing social group is always a trial.

for newbies at school, it's pretty easy. and by christmas, even he's needed a little hand now, he'll be racing around with his friends.

[mamasmissionimpossible]

ChippingIn - He was sitting on the friendship bench, but I don't think anyone came over. I asked him if he wanted to me to have a word with the teacher and he said that he would talk to her.

Insomnia - I never said that phrase to ds. I was just thinking back to my own school days and remember that some girls can be fickle (as can some boys) but in my experience it seemed that the girls could be more fickle.

[Curlybrunette]

Mama it is really awful when your little one is sad, we were at a park once and ds wanted to play with the other kids but he just sort of stood at the side then came back to me and said no one was playing with him. I realised then that he didn't know how to start a friendship as he normally went places with his existing friends.
I told him he needed to speak to the the other children first as they didn't know he wanted to play if he just stood there, and after a couple of minutes he went over and made conversation talked about poo or something silly and all was well. Maybe your ds doesn't know how to initiate a friendship, can you explain to him that he needs to talk to them first, or teach him a couple of daft games he could teach his new friends etc.

[mamasmissionimpossible]

curlybrunette - thanks. He tells me that he does ask other children if he can join them and they tell him they are too busy or that he is a baby if he asks any Y2's to play.

I'm really surprised that he is having these social issues, as he is such a confident child in our local park and talks to lots of different children of all ages and makes friends easily with total strangers to him.

Sometimes I am really unsure he tells me things to get more of my attention, because I am not at school, I can't verify everything he saying. I just give him the benefit of the doubt and try to encourage him as best I can.

He is usually good at intiating his own games and getting other children to join in. I have encouraged to find balls, skipping ropes and look like he is having fun, in the hope others may want to join him. I think some teachers also organise playground group games, which I have encouraged him to join.

Sometimes I wish I could be there at lunchtime to sit with him. I hate the thought of him sitting on a table on his own. I know I have to let go and support him to deal with life troubles.