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How do I talk to my DS teacher without becoming too emotional?

(11 Posts)
BoscoIsMyLover Mon 19-Sep-11 15:06:56

Hi all,

Just back from the school pick up and need some advice.

DS (5) is in Senior Infants (sorry I dont know what the UK equiv is). This is his second year in the school. Last year was a bit of a disaster, every day I was being told he was bold in class, didnt finish work, was crying a lot etc. We worked really hard on these issues. His teacher felt he was immature for his age. He is an only, was a bit spoiled, treated really badly in nursery by other kids. However, outside school, there were never any problems, happy, friendly polite, no bothers. Played well with friends, lots of these friends were made in school, all the other kids are genuinely mad about him.

So back to school in Sept and yet again. Im in the hall being told how bad he has been. However, here is my issue. I am the first person to admit when he is bold, some would say I can be too strict, but I really feel now that my DS has been singled out and will always be seen as the 'bad' kid in class.

Today, I collected him and was told that they were bringing the class downstairs and were told to be quiet so not to disturb other classes. As they were passing down the hall, he started talking really loudly-he thought they were going to the new library and he was shouting "oh we are off to the library" in a kind of sing song voice. She told him to be quiet and he was. Another teacher came out and gave out to him for making noise, he apologised. End of story.

But today I realised how ridiculous about it she is being. She kept saying " I dont understand, why did he do it, I told him be quiet, why is he like this is he looking for attention?" In and on and on, and as I stood there I thought, how much more can I stand here for , is this the way its always going to be? And I ended up being short with her, I said he is 5 and a half, he isnt the first one to speak out of turn, he was just the only one at that time. She said " yes but I had to speak to him today as he and Child x were messing today" Child X was not spoken to.. This happened too last year when 4 kids at 1 table had an argument about crayons, only my DS had a letter home.

I want to talk to her, I want to tell her, I acknowledge my childs issues, he is very good in school bar these few issues but the behaviour she describes doesnt tally with his behaviour at home or outside school. I want to tell her I think at times he is singled out as the bold one when its not always the case.

So any advice would be appreciated (and sorry for the long rant!)

2BoysTooLoud Mon 19-Sep-11 16:44:03

Not sure if I have any advice but do think it sounds like typical 5 year old boy behaviour.
My ds in year 1 [age 5-6] found it hard to walk down any corridor without dancing and singing. Teachers did pull him up on it but did not regard it as 'naughty' behaviour as such. He has calmed down a lot now/ got used to what is acceptable and not acceptable in school. He is still rather chatty and probably irritatingly exuberant but not classed as 'naughty'.
On the face of it I would think the teacher is being a bit harsh about an enthusiastic boy.

dikkertjedap Mon 19-Sep-11 19:01:00

You sound very defensive. I think that it is neither here nor there that you don't have these issues at home or with after school activities. The fact is he seems not to listen to his teacher at school and the teacher is asking you to support school in how they deal with him. Your son has to learn to listen to teachers. Classes are big, and one disruptive child can result in more, the end result being in a lot of time being wasted rather than being used to teach children. A lot of people seem to think that state schools in the UK are often bad, especially compared with other countries. I have experience in various countries and I must say, there are a hell of a lot disruptive kids in UK schools and parents of these children regularly fail to back up teachers. This is unhelpful. So I would urge you not to let your child become one of these children. Back your teacher, it is in your own child's interest. The teacher wouldn't want to talk to you after school unless she really thought it necessary. I hope you can sort it out. If not, you may be better off looking for another school, with a small class where they have more time to deal with his behaviour.

cat64 Mon 19-Sep-11 20:24:04

Message withdrawn

girliefriend Mon 19-Sep-11 20:33:56

I think it would be a good idea to talk to the teacher so you can clarify what they are saying and definately challenge them if you are not happy.

He sounds like a normal, bright 5yo and it makes me sad that his character is being targated sad

sqweegiebeckenheim Mon 19-Sep-11 21:47:25

* A lot of people seem to think that state schools in the UK are often bad, especially compared with other countries. I have experience in various countries and I must say, there are a hell of a lot disruptive kids in UK schools and parents of these children regularly fail to back up teachers. This is unhelpful.*

Except the OP is in Southern Ireland so that comment is irrelevant. Different school system, different school culture. OP, you mention that he doesn't finish his work. Is this part of what the teacher equates with being bold ? (naughty for our UK readers!) He may be struggling with the demands of Senior Infants. There is a big difference between being bold ie. chatting, answering back, refusing to sit etc. and not finishing work because he can't do it by himself. He is only 5.

If you do go and have a chat with the teacher, I would ask how the school plans to support his behaviour in class - reward system, sticker chart for good concentration, that sort of thing. Good luck.

sqweegiebeckenheim Mon 19-Sep-11 22:06:38

also has his hearing been checked recently?

aries12 Tue 20-Sep-11 14:23:58

I would be concerned that if two teachers say this to you they are probably right. You mentioned he had issues last year and it seems as though he is having the same problems this year.
Being an only child is not an excuse for being naughty, all children have to conform to the school environment. Remember it is so much easier to have only one child at home who can get all your attention so when he misbehaves it is not such a big deal. If on the other hand he disturbs 28/29 others then it will become an issue.
I have experience of the Irish school system and am now in the U.K system. The Irish system is very similar to what I see in the U.K. It all very much depends on the teacher a child has....some teachers are fantastic with naughty children..some are not.
I suggest you make an appointment to see the class teacher and perhaps the Head teacher if you think it is serious enough. Explain that you want your son to improve and you will support the school in their efforts. See what they suggest...a reward system might work...child has card and gets stickers for good behaviour and work...I have seen naughty children on this system and it certainly modifies the behaviour. Always make it clear to your child that you are supporting the school....(even if you are not..)
5 year olds do know the difference between right and wrong and he is also becomng aware that doing small irritating things is getting him attention.
Also, investigate if he can actually do the work he is set? Are you watching him doing work at home..is he having difficulty? Again, if a child cannot do the work or do not understand what is going on he/she will be more likely to channel energy into disruptive behaviour.
Your child is very young..the last thing you need is for him to be labelled as being the difficult one...work with the school and work with him.

BoscoIsMyLover Tue 20-Sep-11 23:01:17

Ah thanks for all your replies,I m sorry I looked like I posted and ran!

Ive calmed and am slightly less ranty!!!! I think that affected my articulation too!!

DS is in an Irish school so very small class of 10. He is very bright, well able to keep up with his work, no issues there (and while he is bright, he is not so bright that the work isnt challenging!!!) Genuinely I am very supportive of the school and have supported everything they do.

I just want to clarify because I want very clear, I think. DS had one teacher when he started last year. Because he wasnt used to the whole environment of school, despite what I taught him, he thought it would be ok to get up and walk around, chat, colour, go off and play toys. I worked hard woth him and the teacher and we minimised this behaviour.

Then an issue arose with staffing and they lost that teacher and a new one was brought in a few months after they started. This was a tough period for all kids, there was a lot of change at the school and they carried out very little by the way of lessons etc. At this point, we seriously considered moving schhols but we all were assured that the school would settle down.

He does "forget" sometimes that he needs to sit down or be quiet, when he is told sit down or be quiet, then he does straight away. He is never naughty, he is mildly disruptive at best. I actively seek an update and come down hard on any behaviour, such as taking away toys, he has to earn back these toys. His teacher actually said to me last year that I should stop punishing him as well as she was doing it in the class!!!!

I suppose my point is that in relation to the issue mentioned in my OP, he was on best behaviour for 4 and a half hours, it was only in the last 5 mins of the day he got over excited, she couldnt acknoledge the whole day that he had been so good. Also he isnt the only one, others are disruptive too but he is always singled out. I want to say to his teacher, I am willing to work with you on this, though the issues are minimal, but at least see and praise how far he has come!!!

sqweegiebeckenheim Tue 20-Sep-11 23:07:04

class of 10! lucky teacher!

2BoysTooLoud Wed 21-Sep-11 07:16:48

In year 1 my DS always managed to let himself down in the late afternoon.
Touch wood- he has grown out of it!
Have a chat to teacher and query 'is it always last part of day?'. Maybe she can think of strategies to stop/ deal with overtired excitement/ bouncyness etc.
You are lucky to have class of 10 - 30 here!

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