Bedtime routine is a nightmare

[EmSred7]

Hi all. I'm new here. Haven't used mumsnet since DD was a baby. The last few months have been hard. I know it's been hard for a lot of people. Have 1 child and her bedtime routine in a nightmare causing strife between us. Would like some advice of anyone has any suggestions. Dd started to show signs of anxiety and ocd which we are waiting to get assessed. Because of these little rituals it takes her an AGE to get ready for bed (or ready for anything). Her bedtime routine is meant to be in the bath room for 7.30pm, teeth, toilet, shower and we would be lucky if she is in bed by 9.30pm. Ideally she'd be in bed for 9 on a school night but it seems to get later and later. Dh doesnt help by telling her to hurry up, or comments that should be ready which leaves her feeling like she's failed and in the go slow or even crying. I've tried helping her to get ready, leaving her to it and everything in between and I just don't know what to do to help her get to bed on time. She's up at 7am but with an alarm. Any advice greatly appreciated.

[EmSred7]

Should have added DD is almost 12 yrs old

[BunnyRuddington]

How about an incentive? If she had her shower in time, could she come down and watch an episode of a programme she likes with you then toilet and teeth clean after.

[EmSred7]

Yes weve tried that and she runs out of time and no programme goes on. The shower itself doesnt seem to he the time wasting as we put a timer on and she accepts that times up. It's all the other bits. How can someone take 15 mins to brush their teeth? And half an hour to put in pyjamas. I'm seriously thinking of allocating time for each task and of she completes all of them on time they'll be an incentive. It's so tiring bit might help to pinpoint what and where it goes wrong. It shouldn't take over 2 hours to get ready for bed surely???

[BunnyRuddington]

This might be way off the mark but have you ever read up on inattentive ADHD?

[Inpeace]

Can she do the boring routine shower etc before evening TV so there is an incentive to get it done.

[EmSred7]

She doesnt really watch tv in the evening in the week. Its homework.tol 5/530, dinner, reading and then she goes in the bathroom by 730. Definitely think a change in the routine could help though. Tonight she went up at 730 buy somehow or other her hair fell out so needed redoing then by the time she'd brushed her teeth and got in the shower it was 815....she seems to need more supervision than others her age
Thanks for your suggestions though.

[BunnyRuddington]

At 12 is she going up a lot earlier than her peers? It could be that she's just not tired at 7.30 and that's why she's faffing.

[EmSred7]

@BunnyRuddington

This might be way off the mark but have you ever read up on inattentive ADHD?

Bunny i actually reading about this earlier and she definitely has a lot of the traits. I'm going to look into it a bit more. She's not disorganised at all...if anything very neat and tidy and ordered bit definitely low self esteem, lack of focus and no awareness of time at all.

[BunnyRuddington]

How are you getting on now @EmSred7?

[Inthesameboatatmo]

Hi op I've got a 12 year old daughter and at that age they only need 8/9 hours sleep , I've googled it because I was having trouble at night as well .

[EmSred7]

Good to know although she is very tired in the morning. In think it's not so much the time she gets into bed as the amount of time it takes to get ready.

[Ostryga]

Have you asked her how she would like her routine? Shower in the morning? Wash hair every other day and a strip wash in the morning? Etc

I personally would be giving her more independence at 12, she should be able to manage her personal hygiene without a strict set time/order. I’d be pretty pissed off and act up if my mum sent me off to get ready for bed at 7:30!

[EmSred7]

@BunnyRuddington

How are you getting on now *@EmSred7*?

No different really. Couple of days marginally better and others worse. Trying not to make a big deal out of it. A friend sent me some info about inattentive adhd and she does fit over half the symptoms. Will be calling the gp to explore further. Thanks for asking.

[EmSred7]

Yes I get that but when we've tried sending her up later she's not in bed til 10.30pm onwards and then we are waiting to use bathroom etc. Mornings are already stressful enough getting her out the door on time. Have changed to showers every other day, alternated by strip washes but hasnt really been any quicker.

[UserTwice]

Does a 12 year old really need a bedtime routine? Your posts sound like you have a 7 year old! Why not just leave her to it and let her sort herself out rather than micromanaging? Is the being tired in the morning a fairly recent thing? It might be teen hormones kicking in (my DS used to consider 6am practically mid-morning, but he got to 12 and suddenly we couldn't drag him out of bed) and not related to the amount of sleep she is getting.

my 15 year old can easily spend 2 hours getting ready at night by the time she's faffed around with her hair, face stuff, brushed her teeth, made faces at herself in the mirror etc.

[balzamico]

I'm inclined to think you should leave her to it. I too was very surprised when you said she's 12 - bedtime routine is for little kids. By secondary school there shouldn't be more than a bit of prompting from you.
If she's still in the bathroom when you need it and you've told her what time that will be then issue consequences.
Fwiw my 13 year old goes up to bed (but not straight to sleep) at around 10.30 and gets himself up by 7.30 latest. I remind him about teeth nightly but that's all. To be fair he's a mature chap who's needing significantly less sleep since hitting puberty.

[mamawithfive]

My son is 12, nearly 13. He doesn’t have a bedtime routine.
We just ask that’s he’s made sure he’s showered by 9pm, and that he’s in bed by 10pm.
Only just started asking him to be in bed by 10, before that it was 9.30.
Up at 7 for school.