Honestly at breaking point with how dd11 speaks to me

(11 Posts)
Darksideofthemoon19 Tue 27-Aug-19 11:42:36

It’s no one else but me. She’s rude, moody and ungrateful.

This morning I asked her to do something which would take 5 mins max before she went out to play. She shouted that she actually wants to go out sometime today.

So I’m fed up with it, I feel like it’s a constant battle between me not losing it and trying to be a good parent and her arguing with me and pushing it.

I’m so worried for teenage years, I feel like she hates me. I’m scared she will massively rebel. I did at her age and ended up having her at 16. It’s my biggest fear.

I’m such a crap mum. I feel like I’m constantly shouting. 😑

OP’s posts: |
Rockbird Tue 27-Aug-19 11:44:50

Is there room on this bench for me? I have an identical 11yo who talks to me like I'm put on this earth to be her servant and kicks off if I don't jump to attention. She can be utterly lovely but 86% of the time I want to give her to the first passer by I see!

tarheelbaby Tue 27-Aug-19 13:04:26

Unfortunately, it seems to be par for the course with this phase. DD12 is pretty vile to me, DH and DD9. At school, apparently she's lovely - the teachers all give her glowing reports and other parents tell me how sweet she is.

Psychologists claim that this is because she feels comfortable/secure and can let off steam. Or that she is trying to avoid chores by starting an argument.

MonChatEstMagnifique Tue 27-Aug-19 13:31:01

I’m such a crap mum.

You're not a crap mum. Crap mums don't worry about their children hating them and they don't care about improving things. You are clearly worried and want things to change. flowers

Are there times when your daughter is calm and chats to you? Maybe you could bring up how it upsets you when she speaks to you like this. Explain that whilst frustration and anger are normal emotions, talking to you like this isn't okay. Easier said than done, but I've always found if you try to be reasonable they find it harder to be unreasonable. Hormones are probably kicking in as well which won't be helping.

You sound like a nice mum so be kind to yourself, be firm when needed and I'm sure everything will get better.

If nothing else, remember the school holidays will soon be over. 😂

ems137 Tue 27-Aug-19 13:45:25

My DD is 11 and can be totally obnoxious towards me and step dad but never to real dad and step mum! However things have improved over the last 6 month as I have been strict and consistent with punishing her for it. For us, it's totally unacceptable to speak to us with the levels of disrespect that she was showing.

At home she gets all sorts of nice treats, credit for her phone, freedom to go out with friends, sleepovers, activities, branded clothes and trainers etc etc. She doesn't get any of that at her dads, he's too busy spending money on himself and his new baby now. All of the above have been taken away from her as punishments though and what was a regular (daily) occurrence is now maybe once a month. I don't jump on her for minor sulks or if she's had a bad day or whatever, she's obviously still managing her emotions and hormones but I do warn her nicely and say "I know you've had a bad day but please don't speak to me/SDad/toddlers like that"

practicallyperfectwithprosecco Tue 27-Aug-19 17:45:34

Dd15 has been particularly vile recently- I ended up texting her ( used a communication method that she takes notice of as talking to her didn't work) told her exactly how she made me feel and since then I've had an apology and a complete turn around in behaviour. She didn't realise what she was doing and how it made me feel.

Just tell her and see if that helps.

Teenagers can be horrible at times but when they are delightful they can be human beings you quite like.

Drabarni Tue 27-Aug-19 17:52:36

Don't take it is my advice.
They all do it, girls more so than boys.
I talked to mine about PMT and other teen hormones going on and said whilst we understand it's not acceptable to take it out on others. It stopped. grin

Whenever any of them spoke badly they'd be pulled up, made to apologise and mean it before they were allowed to do whatever they were doing.
Why did you allow her to go out without reflection on her behaviour?

Drabarni Tue 27-Aug-19 17:55:29

Sorry, that sounds smug, wasn't supposed to.
It's normal to a certain extent and I learned how to pick my battles too.
I'm small and was scared they'd be uncontrollable if I didn't pull them up and stop them.
There's the letter to a parent, will see if i can find it.

Darksideofthemoon19 Tue 27-Aug-19 18:00:29

Because I was angry and wanted her out of my face 😩

She normally declares she isn’t going to do x y z after I tell her off because she doesn’t want to now. She’s extremely stubborn too.

OP’s posts: |
Drabarni Tue 27-Aug-19 18:01:37


This is the letter that I wish I could write.


This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly.
I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too.
It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter.
I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in.
I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe.
I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you.
I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.


This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.


And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it.
In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope.
And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.


Love, Your Teenager

© 2018 Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD, original post June 23, 201

ladybee28 Fri 30-Aug-19 17:14:59

Relentless Mary Poppins-esque cheerfulness is the thing that works for me most often.

It is NOT easy – there are moments when I can feel the screech rising... but then BIG smile, LOVELY chirpy voice, acting as if EVERYTHING is just WONDERFUL and I'M having the LOVELIEST day and NONE of your snarky bollocks can even give me a WHIFF of anything else grin

"DD, can you <insert 5 minute task here> before you go out to play, please?"

"UGH I ACTUALLY WANT TO GO OUT SOMETIME TODAY..."

"I bet you do, darling, it looks lovely out there! Best get a wiggle on then and you'll be out there before you know it grin"

leave room rapidly and bite pillow

I like to think of it as emotional Aikido – you can't fight something that's not giving you the resistance you're looking for.

And if it keeps going..

"Oh, what a shame, you didn't do <5 minute task> and we have to go out now. Looks like you won't get to play today after all. Poor you. OFF we go."

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