My daughter "hates" me

[Harryy]

I'm really struggling with my 12 year old daughter. Every day she tells me she "hates" me and I daren't say anything that could annoy her as she will physically go for me and the older she's getting the worse it's gotten.

When she was younger she was a proper daddies and we had a fantastic bond. I lost my wife/her mum 2 years ago.

I've been trying to get the bond back together from just spending time with her and myself. I have 2 other children but as soon as the other 2 come home she's back to her ways off being horrible to me. I'm just really at a loss off what to do! When it's just us she's a lovely child

[Malibucyprus]

Hi, I'm not sure if I can offer much advise, but didn't want to read and run.

I'm assuming her Mom passed away 2 years ago? If this is the case, then I'd say this explains (not excuses) her behaviour. Has she had any bereavement counselling at all? I work really look into getting some outside help for her. I have an 11(nearly 12) year old daughter, and it's a really difficult age as it is, without having gone through the loss of a parent. I imagine she's angry with the whole world at the moment.

Best wishes to both of you, you are both going through an awful lot.

[Harryy]

Thank you! She done bereavement counselling and the school have been helping her.

It's really since she went to secondary school that her behaviour became a challenge

[SmallFastPenguin]

I would just try to ignore her saying she hates you. Don't let her physically go for you though no matter how upset she is, that is bad and you need to put some boundaries in place.
Maybe she is finding secondary school challenging it is a big change. My dd struggled at first too. It sounds like she is enjoying your one to one time so try to keep that up and let her talk about her problems. Listening non-judgementally and being supportive is the best thing you can do for her.
Are the other children causing her any problems if so try to work on sorting that out. But don't favouritise any of them, treat them equally but give the older ones some privileges due to their age eg later bedtime, more pocket money etc. But you expect a bit more responsible behaviour from them in return. But they are still equal in every other way and get equal time with you. Make sure dd can get some privacy and time away from the others if she wants and her belongings are kept safe.

[Harryy]

Thank you! Sorry I should off said my other 2 children are younger age 8 and 5.

How would you deal with the hitting, kicking etc?

[livinglavidavillanelle]

My DD changed for the worse since she started secondary school last year. It's a lot for them to deal with, and that's quite apart from having to cope with grief and loss at what is a particularly hard time in her young life.
From experience, it's important to try and remain calm. Pick a time when she is not amped up, and explain to her that the physical violence is not acceptable, and will result in a loss of privileges (mobile, time with her friends, money etc), then follow through.
I'd ignore the 'I hate you' comments to be honest, she's just lashing out.

[Harryy]

We had a chat tonight when the youngest went to bed.

I asked her what all the hitting me was about but she didn't have a response just a attitude saying sorry.

I tried to lay some rules down that if she hits out then I take her phone and iPad off her so we'd see what happens!

[SmallFastPenguin]

I think that's good, you have to be really tough about not allowing this violence, both for your own sake and to help teach her how unacceptable it is. Think what trouble she could get into if she hits other people in future.
So be very strong about that but keep being supportive and understanding in other ways.