Secondary school friendship issues

[RoseyM]

Hi
DD will be going into year 8 this term, y7 has proved to be pretty tricky with old friends falling out and my daughter being the one to be excluded from the group. After a couple of serious issues at school we've managed to get her form changed so has a fresh start when she gets back. However I'm getting more and more worried about her ability to fit in - She's a clever girl, loves the academia side of school but not the social side. She isn't interested in spending all of her time on her phone taking selfies,snap chatting or filming endless musically videos which her peers seem to only want to do and is much happier with younger kids having fun and playing games rather than with girls her win age. Can anyone offer some advice as I feel a little lost and don't want her to have another bad year. Thanks x

[Zippydoodah]

No advice but you are not alone. Mine is the same. x

[TeenAndTween]

Another one saying you are not alone.
My DD2 is starting secondary next week and I worry about her finding friends at her own emotional level.

How many in your DD's year group?
Are there any clubs she could join to help meet others with similar interests?

[RoseyM]

It's a really tricky worrying time isn't it. We've been talking about getting involved in more clubs and making more friends outside of the form to make life easier so I am hoping this will help too. Remaining positive at the moment and hoping it will filter through - fingers crossed x

[Ireallydontseewhy]

I do think it can be difficult for the dteens who have no interest in selfies, instagram etc, as it means they don't interact in the same way with their friends - but on the other hand they are also protected from the pressure of not getting 'likes' and so on. So there are swings and roundabouts to not being into social media.

Sorry yr 7 didn't go smoothly - it sounds as though a new form could well make a difference though. What are your dd's interests - are there ilunchtime school clubs that she could join to pursue those, which at least takes the pressure of who to talk to at lunchtime?
I think some dteens just do remain 'younger' than their peers for a while - and that is very hard for them socially if they don't find likeminded friends. Put brutally, the socially 'older' ones may feel, possibly not consciously, that the 'younger' one may 'hold them back' socially. 'Dumping' can be very brutal if a dteen thinks that a friend may be holding them back socially. However it does even out eventually, as they all mature.
The 'rational' advice is to suggest that sometimes it can pay off to take a polite interest in other people's interests, like musical videos, fashion, make up etc, so that you can at least have a conversation, but in reality i am not sure how well that works, or how possible it is!
Good luck to all the dc on this thread about to return to school.

[CodyKing]

Year 7 is hard - lots of kids no longer mix with their old friends - because they don't have too!

It depends on your daughter - did she go wanting to stay friends or did she go wanting to make new ones? This is where the divide happens.

Some children try to hold on to friendships and not look for others and those generally end up on their own

My DD had a bumpy year 7 as did most of them - they soon settled in year 8 - mainly because friendships chopped and changed over the year

DD knew she wouldn't mix with ANY of her old school because they quite frankly were horrid girls - all boys makeup look at me bitchiness etc - and she's more mature than them - works both ways !

Year 8 saw the new friends come back and she regularly mixes with several groups

She also joined an Arts centre which covers filming props makeup music etc and she loves mixing with the group outside school

[Wellywife]

Both DS and DD struggled a bit in Y7-8. My advice to both was to have a good look around the classroom as there will probably be 1 or 2 like minded souls. They might just be the quieter, more 'geeky' ones rather than in the in-crowd that you notice straight away.

Both have nice friendship groups now. It will get better.

[CodyKing]

If agree with the in crowd ! Ignore them - too many queen bees wanna bes! Usually fighting to be the most noticed.

Look at the others - make the effort - invite them to town or cinema -

[ChocolateDoll]

I've got one of these too!

It's not easy. Dd had a great group of friends through most of Primary. From about Year 5 onwards, they gradually all went very girly, and full of make-up / social media / queen bee attitudes etc...

Dd hasn't really gone down that route at all. In general terms, she's probably more mature and more academic, but in her down time, she still likes playing and running around like a child. So in that way, she's almost 'behind' developmentally. It's weird.

Not sure where to go with it. I would loathe to encourage her down the nonsense girly route if that's not 'her', but on the other hand, at that age, you just want them to fit in.

No answers I'm afraid, but good to know she's not the only one. If only we could get our lot together. Sounds like they'd get on brilliantly!