Losing control of dd

[Sparkygal]

Dd (11) has always been strong willed and I totally love her to the

[Sparkygal]

(Oops Sent way to soon ) !!!!

As I was saying .. I love her to the moon and back, but she is obviously hitting preteen years, hormones flying everywhere and is becoming so so hard to deal with.

Example, today she wanted to stay with friends in the afternoon, I had plans and said no, she whinged and cried and finally though ok choose your battles and said ok fine as knew she would have a better time anyway. Picked her up she was lovely. Went shopping and she wanted to do baking things, I said well only a small cookie mix, she decided no - cupcakes and separate icing - I said no .. Q full on total meltdown. She started crying and begging, I was embarrassed so started walking away, she gabbed my jacket and was pleading don't go, I said don't be silly people are looking, she then pushed me against the aisle and cried more. People actually stopped trolleys and looked. I was SO embarrassed, plus didn't know what to do from there.
I did walk away and she followed but was in a state she was practically hyperventilating. I took her to a quiet part of the shop and told her to breath slowly and calm down.
Now home and I have sent her to her room (lots of door slamming and crying - not by me but I feel like it!) I said she can't have tea (in the heat of anger) but now she will miss out on family Saturday pizza and movie night. Do I follow through or allow a second chance?

I am just lost, she is a model child at school, has friends - is kind and considerate and well loved. She has lots of lovely things, and I know it's hormonal but what do I do. Toddlers used to have the naughty step and that worked for us. No idea how to deal with this.

I have a ds who is 13 and although he can have plenty grumpy times he has never been like this. I am actually close to tears now as love dd but feel I am losing her and she's only 11.

I lost my mum late last year and this ontop of it is starting to break me

[bamboostalks]

I wouldn't let her participate in the family pizza. Give her a cheese or ham sandwich. Ask her to write a letter of apology and then if she's contrite perhaps join the movie.


Go

[bamboostalks]

Going forward, I think you need to enlist her dad's support. Start coming down v tough now.

[TeenAndTween]

I don't think you should ban her from tea because of behaviour in the shop. So I think you should reconsider and let her have pizza.

Are you giving good reasons for your 'no' or just saying no?

Do you compromise with her or is it either no or give in to wails?

DD2 is a little bit younger and can be equally trying...


Also, is she about to start Secondary? She could be worrying about that and therefore more emotional than usual.

[bamboostalks]

Do not respond to whinging and pestering. Sanction that behaviour.

[happymummyone]

I think you handled her behaviour in the shop as well as anyone would have, people do stare, especially when it's not a toddler having a tantrum, so it must have had you very flustered.

I assume by saying she can't have tea, you mean she can't partake in the family takeaway of pizza, not that you're sending her to bed without any food?

I would stick to this, give her something quick for tea, but not allow her to enjoy the treat of a takeaway now you have made the threat because she needs to know you follow through and that her behaviour has consequences.

Just take it day by day, make sure she knows she isn't the one in charge and if she continues this behaviour, she gets one warning before a punishment. She's not the adult here, and she needs to respect you.

[IPlayBass]

I also have a hormonal pre teen dd so I know how challenging it can be.

I find explaining to her as though I would an adult works so for eg if she'd asked for the cakes and icing I'd say aww sorry, havent got enough spare cash to do that one this week as need it for dinner and remember I'm paying for you to go to the cinema tomorrow which cost a fair bit so we'll do the cupcake icing next week okay. Something like that usually works.

Also I've found that if she's acting a little more stroppy than usual there's usually another reason behind it and she's taking her anger out on me because I'm the person closest to her. She was struggling a bit in one of her school subjects and some if her friends had noticed and were making fun of her - had a few strops after that and I guessed something else was up so we had a chat and she told me how upset she felt. We had a good chat and I made her see that inwas on her side and gave her advice on how to deal with the friends (ignore and don't let them see they're getting to you!) and we got her a tutor in the subject she was struggling in and her strops vanished.

Sorry I've waffled a bit! But my main point was to make sure there isn't something else bothering her.

[GamerCh1ck]

I don't think you should backtrack, it may be half your problem.

Pick your battles by all means but from the off rather than saying no and then giving in after a period of whinging. A firm no being no and sticking to it is a clear boundary.

I agree with one warning before a consequence. It gives her a chance to choose her next action.

[bogspavin]

She obviously shouldn't have behaved the way she did in the supermarket but the way you describe it sounds as if she was a bit desperate - either for a bit more control over her own life - or for some other reason.

Is this sort of behaviour out of character for her?

Do you often do things just the two of you together?

Is there anything going on (other than hormones) that is worrying her ie will she be starting secondary school in Sept?

Why was she so desperate for the baking materials? Was it something to do with her friends?

Sorry for Spanish inquisition! Have total sympathy as I have a 12 yr old who has started to fly off the handle for the most ridiculous reasons. And I sometimes feel the more treats she has, or the more people try and accommodate her, the worse she gets! It is really difficult.

Are you able to go in and talk to her? Tell her you were very disappointed (and bewildered) by her behaviour at the supermarket, especially as you had been reasonable and let her have her own way this morning.

Ask her what made her behave that way?

If she has calmed down sufficiently, could you ask her if she felt she had behaved in a reasonable manner? Ask her what she thinks a reasonable punishment would be?

And then try and focus on future solutions ie she can choose what she buys in the supermarket up to a certain amount if she pays out of her own money and sticks to a budget or does some chores in exchange or some such. But then make it clear you won't tolerate such behaviour again and if there is a repeat performance (esp with regard to pushing etc) you will be leaving shop immediately and you won't be giving her lifts anywhere for x number of days.

Good luck with it all.

[Sparkygal]

Thank you for your replies and advice.

I didn't let her have pizza (although that was a drama too - I think she thought I would back down, but finally accepted it) so she had a sandwich instead.
I did let her watch a film though as she couldn't have been nicer before it. We talked and she apologised and admitted she was wrong. She said she was tired and sometimes she can't seem to control how she goes. (But then she's only 11 and is dealing with changing emotions - I know that).

Anyway her ipad was also banned for a week, this morning she came to get it and I reminded her it was banned and she accepted it.

We are in Scotland so she is back at school and will start secondary next Aug - so that's not worrying her. She is happy at school and pleased to go back.
I do think it's independence thing and often compromise with her, but find it hard when I say a firm no and the next half hour is crying and pleading (not always). I like the idea of talking to her like an adult though and explaining why it's a no.

Let's see what today brings ...

[dancemom]

Consistency.
You gave in to her whining and pleading about staying with her friends so her learned behaviour is that if she whines and pleads you will give in. When you didn't she increased the behaviour and it got out of control.

I agree pick your battles but a decision is a decision. If you say no say it once and mean it.

[LynetteScavo]

What dancemom said.

It's tiring to the point of exhausting and you do at times want to give in but kids need consistency. I have 10 yo who can be like this. I'm bracing my self for the full in hormonal teen years!