10 yr dd ��

[NinjaBriefs]

My once happy 10 yr dd has become a really unhappy girl.

Apart from the general moodiness & bit of attitude, the main problem, the real problem is this awful floods of tears we have nearly every morning before school. It's been happening, on & off for around 6 weeks. She'll blame her stomach, her checks or her throat, something is hurting & she can't go to school. Some mornings she won't be too bad, she'll just ask a 1000 times over 'will I be ok?' Become teary but ok. Other mornings, she'll fall apart & be in such a state, she'll have like panic attacks.

I've been to the school twice & spoken with her teacher & like a family liaison person. DD swears there is no one bullying her, she have many friends & I work at the school part time, so this is the thing, when I see her there, she's fine, she'll say that she's not feeling great, but she's not crying & she's actually ok.

She's ok at home, on a nighttime she'll say that something hurts & ask if she'll be ok for school the next day. So it's the build up to school. She's doing brilliant with her schoolwork, always has done.

We have a 6 yr old son, so it's not great for him to see this every morning. I'm beginning to feel totally exhausted by it all, I'm starting to get dizzy spells! I've already taken dd to the doctors about her tummy pains, there wasn't anything there.

I just want my happy dd back, when she was happy to go to school (she's in Y5) it's heartbreaking seeing her like this ??

[dawnburke]

Couple of options spring to mind. Has anyone she knows passed away recently? Sometimes this can cause separation anxiety. Alternatively, is she due to go to senior school September? Maybe she is frightened of that.

[Heartofgold25]

My dd once had this every day for months, so I know how draining this is for you as well, and eventually we did discover the reason was a girl being quietly unkind to her every day. The tummy pains, and tears etc are a classic sign if they have been checked out medically, that she has worries.

One thing that worked so well for us that you could try straight away, we had a little book and she would write all of her worries to me and put it on my bed (It was completely confidential) and then I would reply and leave it for her in the morning. It is a very good way of finding out things that she may not be able to tell you in person, as my dd is a very private person, it was such a good tool to keep her talking to me.
Do you think she feel pressurised by her school work? Is she overwhelmed to always be 'brilliant'?
Is she doing too many after school clubs?
Exhausted?
If you don't mind me asking but are separated or divorced? I was just wondering whether it is separation anxiety from another parent.
If it was just the tears and emotional moments, I would say it is completely normal, but because you have added the physical elements and panic attacks it is more concerning. I hope you get to the bottom of it, poor little thing needs lots of hugs either way.

[NinjaBriefs]

Thank you for your replies.
Thankfully no one has passed away and she doesn't start big school til next year.

Me & her dad are still together (although he is annoying at times!). She only attends one after school activity a week, so I don't think she's over tired.

I think writing her feelings down is a good idea. I took her to the Drs last night & once again the flood gates opened. It's heartbreaking seeing her so sad. There is nothing physically wrong with her, but she's upset in her mind - and she says that part of it is because we won't allow her more freedom, while her friends are allowed to wonder the streets, we think she's too young. And it looks as though one or two girls maybe pointing out to her that they can go anywhere while she can't, so it's peer pressure.

She's desperate to be able to go out & call for friends. We let her out & let her play out on the front street, but she's not to go further, when she's a bit older, like 11 yes. She thinks we're doing it to be mean & controlling. We keep telling her it's because we care & love her, just to have a little more patience & perhaps show a bit more maturity & she'll be able to go that bit further. Her friend calls for her so it's not like she doesn't see any of them.

We are going to work on her confidence & do more things together. We're going to let her have extra time on an evening, she doesn't need to be going to bed the same time as her brother anymore. We too will make little changes & start treating her to make feel a little more grown up & hopefully she'll start feeling better ??

[Heartofgold25]

There is no obvious reasons for your dd to feel sad, and it seems like you are doing absolutely everything to support her. There will hopefully be others that can post on here with their own experiences and how they overcame this stage. It is possible that your dd, like others her age, is simply going through hormonal changes and hers are particularly pronounced do you think? Perhaps she is a very sensitive person and feels things very deeply.

I think you are right to stick to your instincts regarding her playing outside, I don't think it is controlling to keep her safe. One day she will thank for caring enough to ensure she is looked after properly. I also don't really see how this could be making her that anxious...it seems she sees her friends a lot. Are her friends parents reporting similar levels of anxiety in their children?

I am reading 'Taming Tiger Parents' at the moment (this is not aimed at you of course, it is talking about anxiety in children and at school generally) It is has a real insight into our children's generation and how anxious and pressurised the school environment is, and how it is affecting our children. It might be an idea to read it, it gives some great advice on how to protect and guide your children. I am only just a quarter through. I would recommend it, I am finding it hard to put down. I would seriously recommend you read it, it is a good resource and very enlightening. I hope she feels better soon ~ keep us all posted

[BeeBawBabbity]

My sympathies, I've been here. Last year my 9yr old cried and sobbed every day before school. She has a phobia of sick and would focus on the fact that someone might be sick. But actually, as someone up-thread said, it was friends being quietly unkind that was the real issue.

We found a book called "what to do when you worry too much" helped. We also saw a councellor who helped her make a worry box, which we used to put worries in every morning. Taking them out at the end of day and physically ripping them up was symbolic and useful to demonstrate that the worry wasn't worth it.

But the thing that helped most was the long summer break. I think she just needed it to calm right back down to normal levels of stress. Like being signed off work. Going back to a new classroom with a new teacher also helped.

Another good book was one about friendships. Can't remember the title, sorry. But it helped her to see when someone was being unkind, and to accept that she could take herself away and play with other people instead of putting up with it. She has a nice big circle of friends now, and the unkind one has started to be a lot nicer since she realised that my dd would just take herself away.

It will get better, I know how awful it is to watch your kid suffer though. Hugs x

[NinjaBriefs]

Thank you for your replies & support. Sorry that your dd went through that BeeBaw, I'm glad she's come through it & is happy now :) my dd too keeps asking if she'll be sick etc. She mentioned one or two girls sometimes say the odd mean thing to her & she's tried to shrug it off, but I know she's sensitive. I really don't like telling her this but I told her to stand up for herself & say something back, I don't want her to mean back in a way & I know she's not that type to be but I can't help to feel that she needs to start standing up for herself, make a quip remark back & walk away, it should silence them, they are suppose to be her friends!

I definitely think writing down her feelings & worries are a good idea. More mummy & daughter time needed too.

I'll have a search for those books, thanks for the tips.

Thanks so much again :)