Could some kind experienced parent please advise me about mild bullying via text messages re: 11 yr olds

[Slowcommotion]

Context: our 11.5 yr old has a device which doesn't allow her direct access to Internet but does allows her to contact a small group of her friends from school in a sort of 'hang-out' situation. (I hope 'hang out' is the right phrase: I am not very savvy when it comes to technology; my dh set this all up.) The important bit is that we know every single child in this group and their parents. The dc in the group are all lovely children.

I regularly read all of their messages to one another, including my dd's messages (this was a previously agreed condition before getting the device) and so far all has been innocent and fun. Messages are usually along the lines of "what's up?" and "what are you doing?" and sending pictures of fluffy cats etc etc.

It has worked well because we live in an expat situation where many of dd's friends are away in their home countries over the holidays, and it is nice for dd (an only child) to be in contact with them at various times; on NY's eve this year, for example, they were all texting one another with greetings from different time zones. It's also been useful for contacting one another wrt arrangements for meet-ups, forgotten hwk, or keeping up with work if off school for any reason etc etc.

Anyway, we've hit a problem. A few of the members of the group have gone on to secondary school. They have started to send some rather rude messages to the younger ones. Nothing too horrible but calling them "babies" , "you are hopeless" "you have no brain, go away" or (the worst one to my dd) "you have no personality, you are nothing, go away". These rude messages have been in response to a mere "hello". Some (mild) swearing went on as well. They've been fairly persistent about it too despite protests from the younger ones and it's all rumbled on for a fortnight or so and escalated in a silly way.

My dd (who admittedly lacks self-confidence and can be a bit over-sensitive and prone to making mountains out of molehills) and another friend (who is normally a bit more resilient) have both been very distraught and upset at this, to the extent they are saying they don't want to follow these girls on to secondary school; despite reassurances from dh and me that it will have all blown over by then, that it's all stuff and nonsense, and advice to ignore it. It's not the words they are upset about as much as what they perceive to be a sort of "sudden betrayal" by people they thought were their friends, and who they liked and looked up to.

The parent of the other friend was so concerned (her usually fairly robust dd cried for 2 hrs about this) that she sent a message to the dc via text message telling everyone to "cool it a bit".

So (finally!!) - and thank you for reading this far - I just really would appreciate any advice and ask what you would do in these circs? So I am a bit more forearmed for the future?

(a) Would you ban use of the device altogether on the grounds that 11 yr olds are too young to use this sort of thing responsibly (which was my gut instinct originally, but I allowed myself to be persuaded)?

(b) Should I just keep tabs on situation and act if it gets worse and allow dd to handle in meantime (which is what I am doing currently). Btw she didn't bring it to my attention when it was happening. I read the texts and discovered it.

(c) Any suggestions on training an 11 yr old to become a bit more robust, self-confident, and therefore not so vulnerable to this sort of thing? (She was really upset about it which wasn't nice to witness.)

(d) Am I just being too PFB about this altogether, it's usual tween stuff, and should I ignore entirely?

Sorry for essay! As parent of 'only' this is a first for me! Just need a handle on how to handle this sort of thing in future. I am certain that this is fairly standard stuff unfortunately and that there will be far worse to cope with in years to come.

Any other insights/advice much appreciated.

[Alexaa]

You mentioned you knew all the parents of the children- I would contact them and let them know that their children have upset yours (just suggest they talk to their DC).

DD is 7 so not near your one in age- but she made herself a "kik" account on the iPad. I found it but didn't delete it as I saw many of her friends had made this so assumed it was fine. But she started to get rude messages from a few girls in particular who are in the same friendship group as each other and for some reason disliked DD. She is very sensitive and puts herself down when she is very bright and witty. I contacted the parents immediately. Both of the girl's mothers were extremely embarrassed and that was the end of DD's cyber bullying.

[Slowcommotion]

Thank you very much for your reply Alexa much appreciated.

Sorry to hear that your dd has gone through a similar thing and glad it was resolved quickly.

I did discuss with the mother of the other distressed child whether to contact the parents or not, but we felt it was a bit OTT at this stage. Perhaps we are wrong. I dunno. Will definitely do so if it escalates.

[donkir]

Can the younger ones not set up a new group on the device and socialise without the older ones being mean?

[Slowcommotion]

Thanks Donkir I have run that past dd but she doesn't seem too keen for some reason. Think I will re-open that discussion though ... .

[Slowcommotion]

She is still very keen to retain the friendship of the older ones or have the issue resolved in some way.

[benfoldsfive]

Monitor it and if it escalates contact parents.

Children unfortunately say worse things to one another in person, so I would be trying to teach her to deal with it herself. Try and talk to do about how she should react and that is safe to talk to you.

The last thing you want is " someone had called me a @#(; and it alienating me from my friends but I don't knew how to deal with it and cant talk to my mum because someone called me a baby and she told thier parents and it made every thing worse"

I think you and the other parent have d one the right thing in this instance. Let them talk to you, let them cry and talk about how to deal with it in real life. It's sad but being a teenager is hell these days, I wouldn't go back for a million pounds

[benfoldsfive]

I encouraged my Dd to come to me the next time these messages started and either a. ignored them and tried to change the topic or b. came up with some witty responses.

Your Dd has expressed she doesn't want to leave the group but unfortunately they might leave her behind because she is younger anyway.

Dd needs to learn how use social media, when to come to you and how to deal with horrid girls.

[Slowcommotion]

Thanks you so much Benfoldsfive. That is really sound advice. Sorry you and your dd have been there too ... it's horrible isn't it. I was bullied very badly at school but think social media makes things so much harder nowadays.

I have already warned dd that these girls will probably be making new friendships soon and moving on (and told her that they probably feel a bit alone in a new school and are making themselves feel better/more confident by being horrible to others or are taking their stress out on others they can trust to be loyal).

That's a good idea about role-playing different responses. Will do that. And definitely, definitely agree about keeping channels open for talking.

Agree it could turn in to quite a useful lesson if handled well. Thanks again.

[Slowcommotion]

Btw, meant to say before that I am quite relieved not to have been bombarded with messages saying "what on earth are you doing letting your 11 yr old have such a device in the first place?" which is what I expected, so thanks for helpful replies eveyrone!

[steppeinginto2015]

I don't think the device you have is unreasonable or unusual for 11, it sounds quite normal to me.

ds was good friends with 2 boys, brothers who were 2 and 1 year older. The friendship with the older brother fizzled out as soon as he went to secondary, and then the friendship with the younger brother fizzled out the next september when he went to secondary.

I think it is natural break as they re-negotiate everything. ds is first year at secondary this year and to be honest he looks and feels about 3 years older and I can't imagine him wanting to keep contact with anyone who was still at primary.

I would explain that to dd, suggest they make a new group of those still at primary and move on. Hard for the younger child to understand, but not at all unusual.

and above all keep monitoring, because if it got any stronger I would want to know.

[benfoldsfive]

Or cistern love in an electronic age and is by and large the norm these days.

My Dd has an instagram account. Only me and do have the password, it's set up with my email and phone number so she can only access it on that device. I do go through her post and messages, I explained that at 11 she doesn't have privcy on this account. Her friends understand this as well and know not to say anything they don't want me to know. Dd finds this a relief, as I can take control, nip things in the button and she can say "my mum saw it and deleted it, she is such a drag "

Also I don't want her checking messages on public computers or friends devices and not logging herself out! She hated this bit last week one of her 'friends' used someone elses account (logged in on her phone to check a message), posted a horrid picture and made comments and caused trouble. She is relieved and on my side now.

As long as there are rules and you understand what device she is using and how, imoh its fine.

[Clobbered]

I can understand the reasoning behind not talking to the other parents, for fear of making it worse. However, my response to a similar situation for my daughter (slightly older at the time) was to show her that she could simply delete the account so that the people who were hassling her could no longer access her, and start again, being more selective with her friend group next time. No-one should have to put up with any kind of cyber-abuse, especially when it's so easy to cut it off dead by changing accounts. Can you honestly see these friendships being renewed? No, it's not going to happen is it, so block, delete, whatever you have to do and go back to chatting to other kids of the same age. And while you're at it, tell the parents of the miscreants what happened. Keep it short and factual, but let them know - you'd want to hear about it if it was the other way round, wouldn't you?

[Heyho111]

Welcome to the wonderful word of teen girls ! They can be quite revolting. This goes on a lot. Underlying nastiness. I'm in the middle of both boy and girl teen stuff. Give me a boy any day.
Some girls let it go over their heads and breeze through it. Others struggle and so do their mums then.
If it's low level nasty girl stuff let her deal with it. The hard part is working out when it's too much or if it's us being hurt protective mums.
Let her carry on with the social media stuff it's important to be in the loop. Good luck it's going to be a bumpy ride.

[TeenAndTween]

When girls move to secondary they can leave primary friends behind. They seem to massively grow up from end primary to end first term of secondary.
I'd go for 'blocking' the mean girls, or as suggested up thread setting up a new group for the younger ones.

[Slowcommotion]

Apologies, only just seen these latest replies - thanks for them.

Rushing around now but back later to read and reply properly!

[FeelTheNoise]

I think the other parents message was good in that it not only diffused the situation, but also served as a gentle reminder that the conversations are being monitored. It would be useful if more parents within the group could also pitch in at times like this, maybe to remind the girls getting carried away that they've been friends for a while and that the messages are a shame?

[Slowcommotion]

Finally got back on here!

Steppeinginto2015 and Teenandtween thanks for the advice about secondary school and dc moving on etc. I will explain all of that to dd.
As it happens, I remember a lot of ructions in the first and second year of secondary school. In fact, I think that is what is making me a bit hyper-sensitive to this situation as I moved up from primary to secondary with two very close friends who both turned on me in order to ingratiate themselves with the "cool" set at the new school (I definitely wasn't "cool"!). It's a totally understandable but horrible process!

In my case, this turned in to about 4 yrs of really serious bullying involving more and more people, and I didn't really recover until the 6th form when some of the main offenders left and others matured a bit. This is partly why I have posted because I wanted to gauge whether I was over-reacting or not. And of course, must keep in mind, that the same thing may not necessarily happen to dd!

Heyho111 and Steppeing will definitely keep monitoring!! An added difficulty is that the messages are all in French (which I speak) but of course it's incredibly colloquial/tween-jargonish laguage which makes it even more difficult to work out the level of harshness, particularly as some quite standard insults in French sound horrendously rude to a British ear!!

Bensfoldfive I like the way you run the Instagram account and the fact that it gives your dd an out when it's getting to much ie "my mum deleted it" etc. Will ponder on that and make sure continue to do the same!

Feelthenoise and Clobbered yes I would definitely want to know if situation was reversed and may yet mention it (in passing, not making huge deal of it) to other parents. The thing is, the friendships may be renewed because many of the parents are friends and so these dc tend to meet up outside of school quite a bit. But who knows, they may fizzle out too.

Agree with you that it may be necessary, if it continues, to block offenders and set up new account for just the younger dc.

Thanks again for your replies everyone. They really have helped!

[Slowcommotion]

Sorry, meant to explain, we are expats.