sulky 10 yo

[poppylocks]

As a treat my in laws took two of my girls 7 and 10 to London for the weekend ,staying in a hotel ,science museum ,Harrods and Winter wonderland which we thought would be wonderful.Grandad arranged everything and said it would give them some happy memories for when they die .However10 yo seemed to decide from the start that she wasn't going to have fun and was stroppy and moody the whole weekend refusing to hold hands with grandad even in crowded places .The 7 year old was perfect ,now the thing is the 10 yo is from a previous relationship and the 7 yo is from present one so reality is that Grandad isn't related at all to any of the kids (his partner is mines Mum) and he was very upset and felt unloved by 10 yo even though he accepts them as his own grandkids , she hasn't apologised for her behaviour and at the moment he doesn't even want to talk to her he is that upset and we are going to theres on Christmas day I don't want any friction between them .What do you suggest I tell 10 yo to do ?

[wheresthelight]

firstly at your own admission they are not the children's grandparents. with that in your mind I would start by asking her what is wrong

this man isn't a relation and whilst his interest and effort is a lovely gesture it may not be wanted by your dd. does she have a relationship with her actual grandparents? could this feel like salt being rubbed in a wound?

[poppylocks]

Thanks wherestelight firstly her real grandparents ,my mum lives 200 miles away and only sees her about 4 times a year my dad lives local but doesn't see very often and her dads parents rarely see her .These two 7 and 10 yo often stay with the above grandparents for weekends we only live 10 miles from them and my mum in lay child minds the children while I work about 4 days a week .When the 10 yo stays with them everything is fine and she loves going there which is why her behaviour with the London trip was so unexpected although she can at times be a stroppy bitch lol and can be over protective of her siblings ( half siblings to be precise ) It wouldn't have been so bad if she apologised or said she had a lovely time but nothing .

[wheresthelight]

sounds like there is something more going on.

she is at an age where she is going to be far more aware of the fact they aren't actually her grandparents and it may be that she is struggling with how to articulate that.

I would try not to be cross with her and ask her what is going on that is upsetting her so much. if they look after her in the week and the other kids got to stay home with you could it be a not of jealousy that she didn't get you to herself for a bit?

[MinceSpy]

My granddad and I inherited each other, we didn't share a single gene. He was/is an important part of my life, he was big enough to get over the 'step' thing. Your DD's behaviour was wrong.

[poppylocks]

Thanks Mincespy nice to hear from a step granddaughter lol .
Like I said whereshelight she's never had a problem before if she had stayed at home it would have been with her other siblings 5 dd and 3 yo twins boy and girl ,although she does go to her dads at weekends when he's not ill or too busy !!!!! and normally comes back from there moody and bossy .

[SavoyCabbage]

I think it's a ten year old girl thing rather than a no shared dna thing. My dd was a pain in the arse a few months ago. She cares so much about what her (mean) friends think so everything she does, wears and says is coloured by this.

"What did you do at the weekend?"
"I went out with my grandad."

This would not cut it with the horrors my dd has chosen as her 'friends'

So, she would find it hard to allow herself to enjoy herself. The way I look at it is that when they are 5 they would wear a Hello Kiity top, when they were 10 they wouldn't as it would be embarrassing and when they were 15 they would again as they have found their feet a bit and have more confidence to be themselves.

About six months I took dd into the city to do a author related activity that I bloody knew she would love. She didn't speak to me the whole way to the station and I was feeling awkward being with her. Then we nearly missed the train and it sort of broke the ice. The squealing and the looking for the tickets and the clutching each other jumping through the closing doors.

It did our relationship the world of good.

We had a good talk on the way and afterwards I decided to do something that was just her and I and away from the house more often.

[Heyho111]

I don't think DNA has anything to do with it. I think it's the very start of hormones, friends and stubbornness.
My children have a step grandad and they love him exactly the same as there other grandparents.
I think her grandad needs to forget it. But I also think your daughter needs to understand what she did wrong. Give her different senarios. How would you feel if you had a sleep over and (name a good friend) just sat there complaining and not joining in. How would you feel if you gave someone a present and they put it to one side and said they didn't like it. Try to talk rejection and feelings from her point of view. They are quite egotistical at that age so that may be a way in.

[MinceSpy]

OP it does sound like hormones and being ten rather than anything else.

[Soveryupset]

My DD1 nearly 10 has done this with us on holiday for a whole day. Got up in mood for no reason, had a terribly grumpy expression and we even took pictures it was that funny. Her brothers and sister have learned to ignore it when it happens. My DH says it coincides with a similar day every month, so maybe it is hormonal like the others' say.

[Riverland]

Put your ten year old first. Give her loads of time and space to express her feelings to you. Something's going on for her which Is making her upset.
Start as you mean to go on. If you want your daughter to feel she can trust you, confide in you, then you have to resist the urge to be disapproving or dismissive.
She probably will melt into a huge hug with you if she can get to talk it all out of her system.

[poppylocks]

Thanks for all your help the consensus of opinion seems to be hormones !!! the grandad involved did write her a letter explaining how upset he was ,not sure if it helped yet but hopefully she will talk to him next time she sees him .