DD (10) says she hates her brother

[prettybutclumpy]

I am so sad today. My DD (10) keeps saying she hates or doesn't like her younger brother (7). Their relationship used to be good until about two years ago, and then the differences between them became more obvious, and things have gone downhill. They do have times when they get on, but most of the time DD is mean to her brother, will not help him do anything, and all the while he is (almost always) sweet and looks up to her. He's very bright and articulate, and she is also very bright but not so good at articulating her wants/needs. There is also a lot of fighting in the car, and the odd bit of fisticuffs, almost always instigated by DD.

I have tried speaking to her about the relationships in the family being the most important ones, about how siblings can support eachother throughout their lives, but she isn't listening. Truth is, though, I only have a sister and we're very close, but I do wonder about how I would be with a brother.

That said, I really want them to get on a bit better. Please help me understand brothers and sisters, and how I can help them!

[LastingLight]

I'm sorry, no first hand experience as my brother is much younger than me and dd is an only child. How do you respond when she victimizes her brother? Could she perhaps be jealous of him? Does she have any privileges/responsibilities because she is the oldest? Maybe you can tell her that it's ok not to like him but she must treat him decently because that is the way you treat people in your family.

[shobby]

I appreciate your pain having a very similar age gap between my DD and DS. Dd much more verbose and articulate than DS, wanted us to take him back to the hospital at 8 weeks of age when it dawned on her he was here to stay, and their relationship has stayed pretty much like that ever since! I felt like referee having to intervene when they sometimes came to blows, but their relationship was also sometimes close and DD sometimes very protective when her brother was at high school and having problems with older kids. DS used to get very frustrated with her teasing as not verbally quick enough to get his own back, but as he got older and taller than her she quickly realised she had to back down. Now 20 and 17 they communicate more via social media between themselves than us aged parents, but Dd now left home so that probably explains why they get on better! You can't force them to get along, however fair you try and be you will not be perceived as such so don't worry about that, they will find their own way in the end. I hope they will never be as bad as my friends adult Dd and DS...she asked why DS hadn't sent his sister a birthday card..."forgot".. But she is your twin?!

[youmakemydreams]

My dd and as are the same ages we have the same conversations. She doesn't like me sometimes either.
I don't make a big deal of it I don't make a fuss. I assume it's reasonably normal to feel like that at times.
And ultimately when they need each other they are still there. If as is unwell dd fusses over him and tucks him in. As soon as he's well again she is back to wanting to throttle him.
Dd has definitely hit puberty as well I think that plays a part also. They are, for the moment, in different phases of life. Ds gets that dd might not like him sometimes be doesn't like her sometimes but he still loves her and knows she still loves him.

[ELR]

I could of written your post! But dd is 11 and ds us 8. It is upsetting but I think it's just the way it is. I always make a point of really thanking ect when she is good towards her brother and have lots of talks about family relationships being important too. I think my dd is very jealous of her brother and that's why she is so mean but deep down I know she loves him so I just accept it.

[shebird]

My lovely DDs are the same age and swing several times a day from being best friends to total war. This has become so much worse as DD1 has got older and becomes more independent and opinionated, while DD2 is just a typical annoying little sister. The constant refereeing is incredibly draining and I wish I had the answer OP all I can say is you are not alone.

[smugmumofboys]

DSes are 11 and 9 and their fighting, bickering and winding up are non sodding stop. I've had enough. Really. DS1 is jealous of DS2 and has been since the day he came back from the hospital. When we go away, to a campsite for example, as soon as new kids are around DS1 drops DS2 like a hot rock, doesn't look out for him at all. We've tried consequences, bribery and rational chats about how important siblings are. All to no avail.

No advice, sorry. I'll follow with interest.

[mymiraclebubba]

Sorry my DSS and DSD (10 & 8) get on remarkably well - almost too well sometimes. However, my sister and I used to fight like cat and dog - i would like to say they will grow out of it, but we still fight at times and we are in our 30's!

If she is struggling to articulate herself then perhaps speaking to the school nurse or your GP may be an idea as there may be support groups locally that they can point you in the direction of.

Is she like it with anyone else or is it just her brother?

[natellie1970]

Only 14mths between my DS and DD and as someone else posted they swing between getting on really well and all out war several times a day. These days it's mostly all out war. (They 12/11 now) this has helped make my very nerdy DD very tough and unbulliable.

Sibling will always fight it may not be very nice but it's nothing to worry about and at least they get on sometimes.

[BackforGood]

Think it's pretty normal to go through phases of hating your siblings when you are growing up and having to live with them / share with them all the time. Doesn't mean they won't get on as adults.
Very common too, for dc to take out their anger and frustration on those that they love the most / are closest to them - it's reflected in all the parents who have lovely children when out, who turn into horrors once they walk through the door - it's when they relax.

[bigTillyMint]

DD went through a phase of saying that she hated DS (19 mths younger) when she was cross with him, even though they were/are really close. She doesn't say it now - he is 6" taller than her