Normal 9 yr old behaviour?

[circular]

DD2 age 9, yr4. Highly intelligent, posssibly gifted, especially in literacy.
Enjoys singing, dancing, reading, writing, art, history.
Plays well alone, plenty of friends, behaves well at school. Behaviour at home up and down. Fights with DD1 (14) but the fault there is 50/50.

Problem is her refusal to join in any activities.
At one stage, she would love the idea of something, then changes her mind at the last minute. Even as far arriving somewhere and her having a tantrun not to go in. If we do manage to calm her down and persuade her to go, she genreally enjoys it. But still refuses to go next time,

Now at the stage where anything suggested just gets a 'no, what's the point, will just be a bunch of idiots there etc' type comment.

Not just clubs and the like, even with family outings.
Absolutely refuses to attend any of DD1s performances, which usually means either DH or I can't both go. Possibly some jealousy there?

Only other 'clues' are she hates failure, so may possibly be feeling she cannot compete with her sister.

Makes me so sad for her, as feel she is missing out on so much. Apart from a weekly violin lesson, (which she frequently asks to drop) she does nothing outside of school.

[AgentZigzag]

Just looking down the list of unanswered questions and saw your thread, I didn't even know there was a preteens section

My DD1 is 11 YO now, and she went through a phase stopping going to her out of school clubs, karate/music etc. I think this was because she was discovering what she liked/didn't like doing, she wanted to go but didn't want the hassle of going IYSWIM?

The thing that jumps out at me from your OP is that your DD sounds as though she's having a problem with her confidence, especially when you say you think she hates failure and that you think she might be feeling she can't compete with her sister.

Could you pinpoint where that might come from?

My DD not doing much outside school is something I've wondered whether I should be worried about, but I decided not to because the alternative is to 'force' her to go (by that I mean encourage her strongly rather than make her feel bad for not going, and sometimes it is tempting to do that 'for their own good) but at 9 or 11 they're old enough to know their own minds and decide for themselves.

Are there things you could do to help your DD get over that initial walking into a room thing, which a lot of adults find difficult. Maybe some role playing or going though some ways she can think about dealing with walking into a room full of people? (eg like they're only looking at her because they're interested rather than all staring at her critically).

Oop, that's quite long, sorry it'll all change when she gets to be a teenager anyway and you'll be longing for such small worries

[circular]

Thanks for the repy Agentzigzag.

Preteens does not appear to be a very busy board, only posted there due to DD2s age, rather than thinking it's hormonal.

Looking back, this has been going on for years - at least since the age of 5. Its difficult to explain, but she seems to want to conform and do things that other kids do, but to her, the idea of doing them is more exciting than the actual event. Like as soon as she is allowed to do something, it becomes less attractive.

She isn't shy or under confident. Quite the opposite, and extemely mature for her age. DH thinks she just doesn't see the need to 'join in', and prefers to do her own thing. I think it's more complicated than that.

Understand about teens generally being more difficult, but it is the future with her that worrries me. From experience with DD1 as a teen, it is the amount she has to keep her busy that stops her beng troublesome. It always seems to be the girls that have no outside interests that are the ones partying and up to all sorts from an early age.

I I just hope that when she gets to secondary school, she won't be one of those that are easily led.