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Left my ds1 crying and screaming for me at preschoolt oday. Felt like the worlds worst mummy!

(26 Posts)
NOgirlsallowed Tue 07-Oct-08 15:13:44

Am I? It was dreadful. He's been going (reluctantly at times) twice a week for 3 weeks now. Today I literally had to pick him up and take him in the hall. He clung to my legs, cried I don't want to go to preschool I want to go home. The preschool staff had to literally peel him off me as when I tried he clung on again. They held him back while I left when I was gone out of sight I was sobbing to and seriously wondering if I am doing the right thing. They promised they would ring if he didn't stop crying.
Anyway when I came to collect him after his 3 hours he said I don't want to go home!! Apparantly had stopped crying very quickly after I'd gone and had a lovely time painting etc.grin (Yes it is 3 hours as its a pilot area so the government has said they must offer 3 hours minimum. Wish they could offer 2.5 like the rest of the country but there you go) Major down side though he had no less than 4 accidents (had been potty trained since July very successfully until now!) Used all the spare clothes I sent (2 lots) and was wearing something they had spare and he even wet that! Has also had an accident this afternoon! Very angry with him as he has been dry for some time now so there is no excuse really he know exactly what he's doing I know he does. Always has an accident there at some stage and I feel he is regressing. THey have now suggested I put him back in nappys for a few weeks. Understand there reasons and will try this when he goes again but think its a backward step. He's 3 btw.

juuule Tue 07-Oct-08 17:42:04

If he doesn't need to go, maybe leave it for now and try again in a few months. Bring him home and see if he settles down again especially with regard to being dry in the day.

myredcardigan Tue 07-Oct-08 17:46:24

Awe, poor your DS. All children have accidents and they're common when faced with something scary and new so don't be too hard on him and don't put him back in nappies.

Go back to rewarding him when he asks to go on the potty/toilet. What rewards are they using? Try and find out and keepit consistent. Good luck

MortBlackCatResident Tue 07-Oct-08 17:48:45

What Juuule said.

DS1 wasn't ready so i left it a whole year after a few weeks of trying (hanging of the doorpost etc. - he'd never been apart from me). But i realise i had that luxury as i had DS2 at home as a baby so it made no odds.

Staff were supportive of my decision and now DS2 is at school the leader is a good friend.

Frightattendent Tue 07-Oct-08 17:49:23

If you don't have to send him, don't - I continued under much pressure and it is something I regret to this day. Follow your instinct. smile

NOgirlsallowed Tue 07-Oct-08 19:41:32

Bump for the evening shift!

NOgirlsallowed Tue 07-Oct-08 20:24:17

I did think maybe I ought to put him in pull ups because of all the accidents today but now thinking about it now I can't help thinking that after 3 months and most of them dry during the day won't that be really confusing and a totally backward step? Didn't mention that I was also very upset by a comment from an older woman dropping off her grandaughter. She said to her dgd look that boys being naughty then said to my ds as I was struggling to get him in the hall come on dont be so naughty you're a big boy now!

MortBlackCatResident Tue 07-Oct-08 20:47:25

I guess you have to decide which would be the bigger step back. Putting him back into pull ups or taking him out of preschool until he can cope a bit better? (or struggle on with both i suppose).

Ignore Granny - Preschool was the worst ever for competitive comments. Much worse than school - infants or juniors. It's a rarified atmosphere i can't say i'm sorry to have left behind grin.

policywonk Tue 07-Oct-08 20:53:03

NGA - does he need to be at preschool (that is, because you're working or something like that)? If not, I'd take him out.

I get loads of hmm looks these days because my three-year-old isn't at nursery or pre-school or playgroups, no childminder... yes, he really is at home with me ALL the time. But as far as I'm concerned, why should he be in childcare if I don't want him to be?

NOgirlsallowed Tue 07-Oct-08 20:58:52

My mum looked after my ds2 whilst I took my little boy and later picked him up she thinks I should persevere as he enjoys it. hmm He told me at lunch time today that next time he goes to preschool I should stay with him. Tried to explain thats not what happens at preschool and he said you stay and look after me or I'm going home. Thing is he does enjoy it once he calms down but the states he gets into is heart rending. My dh says that if he is like this on thursday he doesn't think he should go again.

NOgirlsallowed Tue 07-Oct-08 21:01:40

Policywonk - no he doesn't need nto go as I'm a sahm but I guess I felt he should like everyone else I spose!

policywonk Tue 07-Oct-08 21:05:23

Well that's the problem isn't it - everyone does it so you feel a bit weird if you don't!

Look, my DS1 started Reception last year after being at home with me all the time. He settled in like an absolute charm and hasn't had a single clingy moment. I'm not saying he settled in well because he hadn't been to nursery - but not going to nursery certainly didn't make him clingy or lacking in independence or unable to cope with being part of a large class, or any of the other things that people say might happen.

NOgirlsallowed Tue 07-Oct-08 21:12:48

When I said to my mum today that I'm thinking of taking him out she said you can't because it prepares him for school and you won't be able to take him out of school. Also like I said before she pointed out he does enjoy it. The preschool staff say he does too. However to see him being physically restrained so he didn't run to me was just horrendous and 5 accidents in one day!! He didn't do that on day 1 of potty training 3 months ago! That was just ridiculous

MortBlackCatResident Tue 07-Oct-08 21:21:40

You are his mum - you know best for him. Whether that is to persevere or leave it for a while.

Once you have made that decision everything else will be fine.

Habbibu Tue 07-Oct-08 21:26:46

Wouldn't worry about the "preparing for school" thing - lots of children (me included) never went near pre-school and did just fine in school. It's not essential that he goes. If you have the choice, and feel that he would benefit from being at home with you while he's so wee, then there's no harm in taking him out.

jollydo Tue 07-Oct-08 22:53:09

It's only a recent idea that children have to go to pre-school to prepare for real school. IMO it is more to do with readiness, and if he is that upset at the thought of you going and leaving him there, then maybe he just isn't ready.
He may calm down when you have left and cope ok, but later on when you talk to him about going again, is he still saying he doesn't want to go? If so, I don't think there's anything wrong with listening to what he wants. If it feels awful to have him peeled off you and restrained, you don't have to do it. He is only 3 and it's natural for some 3 year olds to want to be with their parents more than anything.

And angry at the silly woman who called him naughty for being upset - I pity her poor grandchild sad.

savetheplanetdontiron Tue 07-Oct-08 23:03:03

Good luck with your decision. I am going back and forth on carrying on sending DD to preschool. Sometimes I think she is OK and then I think not. Everyone is supposed to be a total sheep and just do what the majority does but you know your child better than anyone. Potty problems sound like he really isn't coping tbh.

Yah boo sucks to the grotty gran - some of the grandmas who look after kids round here (and lots do) drag their childcare ideas with them from the 1940s and 50s. Its a wee bit scary!

FimboGotAxed Tue 07-Oct-08 23:21:46

I work in a playgroup.

We have children who are like this (admittedly I haven't had one who had 5 accidents in one session) but usually once you are gone they do calm down and join in with the others.

I may be an idea to find out if the preschool have keyworkers. i.e. someone who should be especially assigned to your ds. The keyworker should help your child to settle in and be there to take him from you when you go in in the morning. They should also frequently ask him if he needs to go to the loo.

I had a little boy a few weeks ago who screamed in my arms for nearly a whole session that he wanted his mum, I held him and cuddled him and just generally made a fuss of him, he would forget for a few minutes and start again but was fine about 5 minutes from the end. The 2nd time he came he still howled for his mum and calmed down after about half an hour. The next time he told his mum to go and handed me his dummy and blanket without any fuss.

NOgirlsallowed Wed 08-Oct-08 22:09:03

Jollydo - Yes he does say he doesn't like preschool when I talk to him at home. He tell me he wants to stay at home with me. Also told me that when he goes to preschool I'm to stay and look after him. When I told him that (his keyworker) will look after him he said no you look after me thats your job that is! He usually never cries at home. Infact my sil recently commented to me that he is always happy so this is so unlike him. Also no accidents today (no preschool today)
Flimbogotaxed - Yes he does have a keyworker who is lovely. He was frequently asked if he wanted the toilet and he said no. I think it was a deliberate thing a way of communicating how he was feeling. Also I Can't imagine he'd accept being in pullups after 3 months of being out of nappys but I can understand why they mentioned it.

jollydo Wed 08-Oct-08 23:37:03

I agree it does seem a backward step to put him back in pull-ups, and it doesn't really solve the problem of why he is having accidents.

I sympathise with you having this decision to make, it is hard when there is a lot of pressure to go along with what most people do.
Some people can (maybe not intentionally) make you feel like you are being over-protective. But I think it's perfectly fine to do what YOU and DH and YOUR child want and forget what anyone else thinks! Only you can decide what is best for your little one. smile

SmugColditz Wed 08-Oct-08 23:42:28

If he doesn't want to go, and doesn't need to go, don't make him go. Why would you?

Preschool is not for preparing children for school, that is what reception is for. It would be a pretty shitty teacher who couldn't deal with a child of 4 who hasn't been to school before.

Ds1 loved preschool but I really fucking resent this hijacking of our children's minds from earlier and earlier ages - they practically become government property at the age of 3. It is NOT compulsery, it is NOT necessary. It is nice, when and if they enjoy it.

I wouldn't leave him in that state again, and honest to god I am no pushover mum - but 5 accidents in one day in a child who's been reliable for 3 months? That, to me, means that child has been under significant stress.

Ebberley Wed 08-Oct-08 23:53:21

The only thing that I regret truly as a parent is bothering at all with preschool for my second child. I did it because his brother enjoyed it and because I was the treasurer. My second ds patently tolerated it most of the time and hated it some of the time. I should have kept him at home, ditched the treasurer shackles and done our own thing.

Save the 'having' to go until they are at school. Once they have gone, you can't get the time back.

NOgirlsallowed Thu 09-Oct-08 20:36:00

Just to update! I took him into pre-school with the intention of telling the supervisor that I have decided to leave it for now. I had some paintings to collect that weren't dry on tuesday and I also had to return the clothes he came home in on tuesday. When I said that (not to the supervisor at first) they seemed surprised as they said that he really enjoys it once I've gone. She said that they had photos to prove how much he loves it. She looked through a collection of photos and said that photos of ds not amongst them but will def bring them in on tuesday. Anyway she suggested I stay to show how much he likes it. The preschool supervisor who is also his keyworker agreed. All this time ds was clinging to my legs and hiding behind me. When I explained to ds that I was staying with him today he cheered up considerably. Stuck to me look glue til after "registration" - not as formal as it sounds. He then went straight to the painting and thoroughly enjoyed it. He gradually started doing things further away from me. After I'd took him to the toilet (a 1st for preschool he'd always refused to go) he just ran off. I was following behind and his keyworker said look let me show before he sees you and there he was laughing and interacting with loads of children and have loads of fun jumping on the trampoline. I smiled and said that the boy I know and she said he's always like that after you've gone it would be such a shame to take him out when he loves it so much! She suggested that snack times a good time to go as they're distracted. So I did I said goodbye and told him I'd be back soon and left him pouring a jug of juice into a cup and carrying it back to the snack table. Something I didn't even know he could do! When I collected him later he seemed happy and told me he'd been playing outside on the bikes. So they seem to have persuaded me to give it another go.

NOgirlsallowed Thu 09-Oct-08 21:02:02

I didn't mention that his keyworker feels he's still in the settling in process and its a seperation issue especially as he's not been away from me before. Especially after I told her he tells me at home he doesn't like preschool because he misses me. Anyway this evening at tea time he told me again he doesn't like preschool. When I said you do I saw you you love it he said "you stay with me next time you don't go back to the house you stay when you went I was sad". I said was you he said "yes I was I was crying and I said I want my mummy back! I said what did they say to you and he said they said nothing! hmm This is the first I'd heard of it when I picked him up his keyworker said he's had a great time playing on the bikes after I'd gone! They didn't mention he cried or even sad. He spoke so ernestly and intently that I'm worrying that I was too easily persuaded and I should have stuck to my guns.

mummysue Thu 16-Oct-08 14:42:57

its such a dilemma isnt it,im in the same boat.my daughter is 2 years 10 month and started last monday.its from 9 till 12.30 monday to friday.ive had 3 day she ok.then one day of tears.this week she had no probs and i thought she settled but when i got her today she was hysterical.they told me she had been crying on and off all morning for me.my heart is broke

this is the first time shes really been around children.but how do you know if its a seperation issue or she just hates it.its weird as in the mornings shes by the door at 8am waiting to go.i just dont know what to do for the best.

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