What the hell do I do.

[Ihaveabigproblem]

Had my baby 4 and a half months ago, she is my absolute world. Before we had her we had 2 miscarriages, one at 7 weeks but a very very traumatic one at 14 weeks where I went for surgery but everything went wrong and I ended up loosing my waters and the baby in the corridor and toilet of the hospital. Since I've had my baby I STUPIDLY haven't been on contraception, weve used condoms but sometimes hubby does dip in once or twice (incredibly stupid I KNOW) I've done 3 cheap pregnancy tests, my period is due in 2 days I swear I can see a faint line. I'm going to try get a FRER today. But if I am what the hell am i meant to do?! I'm suffering from PND and anxiety, I wont get maternity pay and my morals wont really let me terminate after all weve been through but I cannot have another baby. Not a chance not yet. But I'm petrified if I terminate what if I have further miscarriages in the future and feel like it's all my own fault for terminating. I'm petrified. Not told DH as unsure yet but shit.

[howdoweknow]

First of all try and stay calm until you know for sure. Do you have a picture of the tests? Could they be evap lines? Obviously there is a chance you may be pregnant but until you actually know try and not get stressed. Secondly would telling your husband help? So you aren't worrying alone. Ultimately it is your choice and there are no right and wrong choices here. What you have been though sounds traumatic so I can completely understand how hard this must be for you x

[Ihaveabigproblem]

Thankyou, that's what I'm trying to tell myself just stay calm for the moment incase I'm not but I cant help but feel that I am unsure if it will even show on pictures, I do have crazy line eyes tbh. Were not talking atm just been silly and stubborn with each other, timing is shocking. I will get a frer and go from there I suppose. Cant believe I've been so stupid but the pill turned me into a spotty loon and I'm already a loon and spotty atm but have got an appointment on Thursday to sort some contraception out if it's not too late. I'll see if I'm pregnant first then speak to DH. Shit.

[Ihaveabigproblem]

Feel like I can see something there which came straight away and 2 were the same lastnight

[lottelupin]

I agree you should try not to get dressed until you're sure. Then I think if you are, you should talk to your husband. There are two of you here - you aren't alone. And then you've got the dilemma, so just try to focus on what you know for sure. You feel you couldn't cope. Strong reason fir not going ahead. But you've had problems conceiving/maintaining a pregnancy. If you terminate, nobody can whether the pregnancy would have gone to full term, but also whether you'll get to have another baby ever.

I think you have to choose the least bad from the potential bottom line scenarios.

If you have the baby, what's the worst outcome of not being able to cope? Depression/breakdown/losing job/financial catastrophe/end of marriage/impact on first child?
What could he done to help? Is there support (I guess yes?)?

If you terminate, there's the temporary incapacity/hormone change/probable grieving. All do-able (sort of - not for me as I couldn't, but many on here say they are fine with it, so you may be too).
Then the worst case is in the future you have miscarriages and don't get another chance.
Could you cope with that? What might that do to you if you can't? (Depression/breakdown/anxiety/all the losses listed above pretty much,).

There's only one big difference. In the first worst case scenario, you have another child. Which in some ways and to some people is a giant positive.

In the second, you don't have another child. Which can be a source of immense grief and regret. But may not be.

You know yourself. If you don't agree with termination, it's more likely to be a rough ride. But you may be able to have more babies fine.

That's the hard bit - the gamble. I'm really sorry you're going through this and please pm me if you want xx

[Ihaveabigproblem]

@lottelupin thankyou xx
I've spoke to hubby and he said if I am we could manage. So atleast either way I have his support. I'm more worried about finances but suppose we have everything from baby 1. I dont think I could ever forgive myself or terminate realistically will test again in the morning and go from there. Thanks xx

[lottelupin]

That's actually amazing - just great, and not least as it shows you guys are a really strong unit when you need to be. Yes, if you think now you wouldn't be able to live with terminating, then you really wouldn't afterwards, so it's excellent that you're finding a way through. So well done and I hope you feel a bit better now! It's all good : )
(oh and I meant don't get stressed, not dressed!! )

[howdoweknow]

I'm glad you spoke to your husband as you might think things are bad at the minute but you're a team and he obviously has your back. I don't know if this will help you or not but I'm struggling to see anything on that test. When are you doing your FR? X

[Ihaveabigproblem]

I didnt get out today weather was horrendous. Will do another cheapie in the morning and try get a FR tomorrow. Fingers crossed I'm not but if I am we will hopefully manage x

[howdoweknow]

How did you get on OP? Did you do the cheapie?

[unamullian]

I can't see a line there

[lottelupin]

Hopefully no line?!

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

Can't see a line

[Ihaveabigproblem]

Sorry for no update been so busy. Period came yesterday woohoo!! Am getting contraception sorted tomorrow but happy to know hubby would support me no matter what. Thanks all x