Dreading having an abortion...so confused!!

[busymummy132]

So sorry for the essay, i'll try not to go on!
so ive been with my partner for 10 years, there is a significant age gap.
we have a daughter who is 8 this month who is diagnosed with asd and adhd so times can be tricky!
we both desperately wanted another child, and have tried since the birth of our daughter with no success. we gave up all hope beginning of this year and was being careful as you never know! i finally came to terms with the fact i would only ever have one child.
we live in a small house, as there was no point n upsizing, more than enough room here for 3 but 4 would cramped. my daughter would also be upset with the prospect of moving although she would cope.
i also have longstanding mental health problems(normally well controlled) although i have recently been put on PIP, and a month ago i had a relapse so my partner is worried if we continued with this pregnancy it would negatively affect me.
ive been taken by surprise finding out i was pregnant, and dont actually know how far along i am. should be 5/6 weeks but period last month was 2 days and very light so potentially could be slightly further. so feel the hormones may have caused my crisis a month ago.
also im struggling with the fact i have been smoking a lot, drinking more than usual (not much but a lot for me) as well as strong prescription meds...and what if i have caused some damage?
my partner is also concerned as there is an age gap he doesnt want to be aged with a younger child. which contributed to our decision to stop trying.
so there is many reasons here to not continue, but we spent years desperately trying and half of me is terrified of having an abortion, i feel like i would have tremendous guilt afterwards, and i dont know how that would affect me. im booked into the clinic next thursday but im so torn!!! i have only just made peace with the fact i would never have another child, very recently got back into horses so i purchased 2, its just all a huge minefield and such bad timing!!
the pros are few but include, stable financially, secure relationship, large support network, our daughter wants a sibling shes asked constantly since she was 3, mine and my partners lifeplan was always 2 children.
anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation?

[PregnantSea]

All your reasons for getting an abortion start with "my partner thinks". You sound as if you're already regretting it.

Perhaps it would be worth taking a step back and doing some soul searching before you rush into anything?

[busymummy132]

In my mind personally, i dont think the age thing is too much of an issue, but i understand the concern.
honestly now our daughter is older we have a little more freedom, things are easier. i got back into horses etc. if i had a baby now that would fry all that but its not a big deal as such.
hes said he will support me in the choice i make, hes a fab partner and dad. in my head i do believe he is right, even just moving house is a hell of an upheaval.
but my heart is screaming at me not to do it. i have a very small window where i would be able to go through with it, so cant wait to long or the choice is made. i feel like im letting feelings rule instead of logic, and im normally very logical!
i think im just confused and toing and froing at the minute!

[Poppins2016]

but my heart is screaming at me not to do it

I think you need to listen to your instincts here. Reading both of your posts, I got the feeling that you don't truly want to terminate your pregnancy.

You mentioned letting feelings rule over logic, but I think you need to listen to your feelings... there is never a 'perfect' time to have a baby, after all. It might also be worth considering the impact of not having a baby on your mental health as well as the impact of having a baby.

Could you access some counselling via the clinic?

[PregnantSea]

I'm probably in the minority here but I would say that this is one of those situations where it's completely fine for your heart to rule your head. Obviously you need to look at all aspects before making a decision, but if your heart is screaming no then it sounds to me like you'd regret getting an abortion.

Obviously I'm just going off what you've said here. You have to do what's right for you. Worth pointing out as well that just because your husband is lovely and supportive doesn't mean that you have to agree with him on this. You are the one who will be hit the hardest by this decision.

[JinjerT]

I think and feel you should keep this chilld. You know what your heart is telling you. Everything is for a reason. And it might not seem it now but things will work out. Keep your unborn. You will see that your child will be a enormous blessing to you both.

[busymummy132]

i think that is a big concern for me @Poppins2016
i feel like either way my mental health could be affected, but it would probably be worse if i went through with it than not. they just gave me the number of a helpline but i'm not a phone person. so think i will contact the CMHT i see tomorrow and see if i can see my psycologist. she seems to have a way of talking me round out of the confusion is situations!
@PregnantSea i think you may be right. im going to take the next week to think about it, im going to keep the appointment with the clinic and go but i can always back out. i booked the consultation and then would be going back there if i did decide to go through with it so do still have time!
i think the panic just hit me like a sledgehammer. doesnt help im really struggling to sleep at the minute!
thank you both for replying x

[busymummy132]

@JinjerT i think that is what i'm edging towards. it would be tough but we have been through so much as a family and always came out on top, so i'm sure it would turn out ok

[LittleMermaid1]

When I read your OP there seem a lot of reasons to terminate - your life is already pretty hard and a baby is likely to make it much harder. I would think it through very carefully, you still have the opportunity to terminate.