Abortion

[sl07]

Hello

I really need some advice.

I am in my early twenties, been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now, live together ( rented), landed myself a fantastic job and now I've just found out I'm pregnant.

I'm in two minds: head and heart. Heart obviously says yes but my head says get more stable first.

I would love to be a mother but I am also very career minded and I know if I continue with pregnancy, I will lose this job. Now, I am a few weeks pregnant and that's all I can think about.

My boyfriend doesn't earn enough to cover me if I go on maternity leave (if they offer it me as I haven't been at my job too long).

But then I think about that I would love a little baby. Really in two minds.

Can anyone please share abortion experiences/ what it is like? Or please share unplanned pregnancy stories? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Help please :(

[3babyxx]

You've posted on the wrong topic x

But.. Iv had 3 children my last unplanned
And one abortion a couple of months ago

Because I knew what I wanted to do my abortion didn't affect my mental health that badly .
I knew I wouldt handle another baby as my youngest is only 7 months

But if your in two minds then maybe just go to the abortion clinic speak to them see what they have to say you don't have to make a decision there and then .. only you can answer this and I know it's hard
If you do want to keep the baby they don't stay little forever !! And would you have help and support at home ? Xx

[sl07]

Hello,

No my partners family are not around and my family live too far away. We are on our own with this xx

[3babyxx]

Does he want to have a baby .. your still young you still have time in the future if your not ready right now xx

[EstherMumsnet]

We are moving this thread over to the Pregnancy Choices topic now.

[Angelinthenightx]

You do need to get talk to someone who deals with helping people make up their mind. Its a hard choice but only u can make it and its u that has to live with the choice.
I had my first at 18 and i wouldnt change it but its not for everyone x

[CarmineStarman]

You sound very sensible. If I were you then, yes, I would have the abortion. You say you'd love to have a baby- fair enough. But you're still very young and not financially stable, parenthood would be very difficult. But the final call is, of course, yours. Best of luck, OP

[MaverickSnoopy]

I had a termination in my mid 20's to my now husband. We'd been together 6 months and I just didn't know whether I wanted to be tied to him for the rest of my life at that point. We were renting and I knew it would be so much harder to buy in future as we'd struggle with the childcare costs. I feel sad when I think about it and it's a decade later. However we are now married, we own a house and have 3 children. Never would I have predicted that. I also think that our life would have been vastly different. It was the right decision for us.

From a practical point of view you would be entitled to maternity leave but you should check whether you're eligible for maternity pay (if you're not you might qualify for maternity allowance) www.gov.uk/employers-maternity-pay-leave. You'll get child benefit which is about £80/month and if your partners income won't cover everything then that may mean your income is such that you might be entitled to universal credit once the baby comes.

It sounds though like you've made your decision but your heart doesn't agree. Fwiw I felt like that. Honestly I walked in with a heavy heart and desperately wanted to leave but I'm so glad I went (although like I said I still feel sad from time to time).

We've just had our third baby, who was unplanned. It's been enormously hard but tbh that's more because having 3 is bloody difficult. Having children is hard and I do think you need to be really sure.

[CaitlinsYellowSocks]

Do you know that you would lose your job by getting pregnant? I got pregnant a few months into a new role (although it was an internal transfer to a different department so I did quality for enhanced maternity pay through length of service).

I was convinced my boss would be angry but actually he was supportive and happy for me. I got a full year off, am in touch with the team, and am looking forward to going back eventually. This was my final child so I can really concentrate on progression then without future pregnancies interrupting it.

I have friends who started new jobs pregnant and again they were entitled to a full year off (though not at enhanced pay). In one case the boss was a bit of a dick about it, but he was that type of personality - and my friend still didn't lose her job and was able to return to the same role and continue building her career Other friends interviewed with six month bumps and still got the job. If the company really likes and values you they are not going to stop because you have a baby.

It is illegal to discriminate on grounds of maternity, although it happens, and most good firms will be aware of this and anxious to avoid it.

If you are worried about losing money or being out of touch with work for too long, you don't have to take a long maternity leave - you could take a few months, which would hardly dent your career progression, and then go back full time or do a phased return. You might not be entitled to anything other than maternity allowance if you have not been there long enough to qualify for maternity pay, so taking a shorter leave would minimise the financial impact.

Children are expensive and hard work, and they can have an impact on your career, although that would be the case whenever you had them. And only you and your boyfriend can decide whether having a child now is the right decision for you in terms of finances, logistics and your relationship.

But I just wanted to check whether the impact on your career would be as catastrophic as you are saying, or if that is partly anxiety (or reflecting the fact that you are leaning towards a termination anyway, and therefore focusing on the arguments on that side).

[getoutofyourownway]

Hello,

Firstly so sorry you're going through this, it really is difficult to get your head around.

I've had an abortion, my advice would be speak to BPAS and ask to speak to someone who can explain everything to you.

You're more than welcome to DM me if you want.

So much has surprised me, I never thought I'd ever go down that road, but circumstances meant there was little choice. When you get to the clinic, I'd got so many misconceptions that proved to be false.

In the waiting area it was mostly couples, with the man supporting his partner. There was avast array of people of all ages.

I feared the idea of protestors outside the clinic, but none at all.

Staff at the clinic were superb, although I did wonder whether they should be compulsory counselling. I say this as another woman I met in the discharge room, it was very quiet, she said it looks like you were all braver than me. Only problem being, the drugs used, if you did chance your mind, there's arise to baby.

There's various methods, all depends on how far gone you are. They will scan you as a matter of course to get the right dates, as it affects methods used.

The medical abortion is where you take tablets, some vaginally to soften the cervix, you'll pass baby a bit like a miscarriage. There's pain relief, plus there's a mixture of nurses and midwives who help you.

The surgical abortion depends how far gone you are. They give you tablets to insert vaginally, then it's another 3 hour wait before you get the procedure done. You can have a local in your cervix, sedation or full blown anaesthetic. I went for the full anaesthetic. In 10 minutes you're coming around, then you go to a different recovery area, they check pulse / BP etc. Then they ask you to check your pad so they know what the blood loss is like. Once the recovery staff are happy, you go to a private room where you have to eat toast / biscuits with a hot drink. Then as soon as they're happy with that you go to another waiting room, that's where partners go if you have surgery. Then again it's a bit more of await, you get given anti biotics, plus pain relief to help.

I did it the surgical way, I wish I had chose the medical route, but that involves an over night stay near the clinic. A benefit of the surgical route is the bleeding is barely there, but you do feel bruised afterwards. I've had quite a few miscarriages, so I knew the bleeding and passing the placenta even at 7/8 weeks can be a bit scary. Early on you can't really see anything. Even later on, the staff are discreet, so you can look if you want, or they'll make sure / try their hardest to make sure you see nothing. The bleeding with a medical termination is likely to be heavier and longer time wise.

That's another option if you want to take it with you to bury should you wish.

Ultimately it's your decision, I would say I don't think there ever is a perfect time to have children. My pregnancy was unexpected, so I was one of the older patients there getting treatment. I was going to put I guess it depends how your relationship with your OH is like, but many a woman and even men make excellent single parents.