I didn't want to do it

[autumnleaves25]

Hi, all, this is probably the 10th time I'm trying to start a thread, but just end up deleting everything, but this time I really need someone to talk to.
I've had a termination 4 months ago. We have a son with CP, husband said he didn't want another baby and I wouldn't have coped on my own. But I wanted a baby, I really-really wanted a baby. I don't even know how I did it. I remember every detail, every appointment, everything I said. I remember not looking at the monitor when they were checking how far I was, it was facing away, but I was just staring at the ceiling , scared I might see the baby, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it had I have seen the baby. My husband says it wasn't a baby, and it's ok, actually, people see it differently, but for me it was a baby. I was 10 weeks. I'm a lot better then I was 3 months ago, back then all I wanted was to die, or for something horrible to happen to me, as a punishment for what I've done.
I was so happy when I saw the second line, because husband always said we should wait, but he also said that if I were to get pregnant accidentally ,of course we'd have the baby. When in reality, all I got when it actually happened was:"I just want the whole thing to just go away. I want it to never have happened". So I made it all go away. I wanted to divorce him, in fact I was so sure I'd leave him I opted for not fitting a coil in, because I didn't think I'd need it. Time passed, hormones have settled and I realised that I can't leave him for our sons sake. For reasons deeper than for him to just have a father, but I'm too paranoid to share all this on a public forum, but anyway, I've learnt to not hate him, I've accepted the fact that he "didn't even see me as pregnant" and for him it wasn't a big deal. He says he regrets it, I don't know to which extent.
I go from "I will never have children, because I don't deserve to, because it won't be THAT child" to "I what a baby more than anything". If I will ever have another child, it will be our 3rd, but for the world only our second. I'm such a mess right now, I'm sorry this is so chaotic, I honestly just needed to get this off my chest

[Lizadork]

Give yourself permission to feel how you feel, that this is a big deal for you. It's going to take time to find a way through this experience. You are not alone in being pressured into doing something didn't want and it is not easy to just "get over", I suggest counselling or talking to a close friend you can confide in. Give yourself time. You are allowed to grieve for this pregnancy and to feel angry, to have regrets and feel pain.

Coming here was a good step.
Acknowledging how you feel.
Wanting help.

[autumnleaves25]

Lizadork, thank you so much for this, message, I'm sitting here crying, because it honestly means so much to me. Just, thank you again xx

[Lizadork]

I am relieved to find my response did reach you, that it has meant something and hopefully helped to know you are heard/justified in how you feel. I'll keep checking in if you decide you need to talk more x

[mrsgumpy]

If it is any consolation, I am in exactly the same position. I was 14 weeks and wanted to keep the baby (I had already seen two scans) but my husband didn't want it and put so much pressure on me I just gave in (it took me three goes to actually go through with the abortion and on the third I was so hysterical at the hospital they had to sedate me). I thought I was feeling better but now I feel like I have gone backwards and cannot stop crying. I want to die but can't because of my two children. I am hating my husband right now.

[Karatema]

Autumnleaves and MrsGrumpy, you must give yourselves time to grieve. Do not expect to accept your decision overnight especially as the decision was forced on you and your posts indicate you are not receiving support from your partners! I send you both hugs