Struggling with decision, hypothyroid and past infertility

[StrugglingWithDecision]

Hi all, I’ve been trying to make a decision whether to terminate or not for the last 3 weeks.

I am 34 with a beautiful 2 year old, who is my world, conceived via IVF after 4 years ttc.

3 weeks ago I got a very unexpected and unplanned positive test. I’d only had my periods back 3 months due to breastfeeding, and to be honest only just got any semblance of a sex life back a month before. I feel stupid about it but with past history of infertility, contraception wasn’t really in the forefront of my mind. I had thought we were avoiding fertile times and never really thought we’d get pregnant.

My reaction was of shock. Even in the first days I was considering termination as my husband and I were just getting back to happy / normal after the baby years and I was terrified of a) what a new baby might do to our family dynamic and b) whether I would be able to cope. After going to the docs and asking for termination referral (completely undecided but wanted to get the ball rolling early in case), then ringing up after to ask them not to send the paperwork (I think I felt ashamed), I figured we’d just get on with it, though at no point in these last 3 weeks have I felt happy to be pregnant.

I have since found out that I am severely hypothyroid (history of Graves’ disease, last bloods in November last year were stable and I was discharged from the endocrinologist). My bloods at 6+3 were fT4 7, TSH 20.83. I started thyroxine 100mcg at 7+3. I am now 9wks. I have read many studies about the risk of neurodevelopment and psychomotor delays as a result of low thyroid levels in early pregnancy (e.g 4 x risk of autism, 4 x risk of learning disabilities, significant IQ deficits), and of the risks in pregnancy with uncontrolled hypothyroidism. I have anxiety and I believe that my mental health will suffer if I go through with the pregnancy (due to fear of the outcome) and I am terrified of having a baby with special needs, I don’t think my family / marriage / me could cope with that. The obstetricians don’t have any conclusive information about the level of risk and have not recommended termination, however they’re not the ones taking on the risk. What if I go through with the pregnancy and regret it?

I can’t help but feel like I just want to miscarry (I had a bleed at 6 weeks and with every possible cramp since I hope that this will be it) and I feel horrendous that I’m feeling that way. On the other hand I can’t seem to see how I could go though with a termination, especially at this stage. I have always been pro choice but guess you really don’t know unless you’re in this position. I have a private appt at a bpas clinic tomorrow for consultation. I would appreciate any thoughts, I’m feeling incredibly sad that I’ve managed to get into this situation and cannot see which option is best for us.

[peachgreen]

The decision is yours and yours alone, OP, but I think it comes down to whether the regret of not being able to conceive again should you decide to would be something you would live with if it happened. It doesn't really sound like you are massively positive about this pregnancy even without the risks posed by your hyperthyroidism, which for me suggests you're erring towards ending the pregnancy. And you don't have to have ANY reason, beyond not wanting another baby just now. But just take some time to consider how you would feel if your current child ends up being your only child.

Sending you best wishes, it's a very hard situation.