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Shocked at 3rd Pregnancy. Considering termination.

(12 Posts)
Justcoasting Thu 20-Sep-18 16:48:41

I found out 2 days ago that I'm 4wks pregnant with my 3rd child. My DC are 4.5 (DS) and 2 (DD) and though I have often considered a third, I was never ready to commit to the idea and my DH has consistently been against the idea. We were not being as careful as we should have been (though we haven't been intimate very much recently) which makes me feel terrible.

Financially, we are fine though a 3rd would mean that we would have to work longer to pay a third though college etc. I am 35 and my husband is 41. He pointed out that he'll be 60 before our 3rd even graduates from high school. I suffered from PND with my first and truly never enjoyed being a mom until DS was about 1; with DD I didn't suffer PND and I found going from 1-2 fairly easy, though my DS definitely watched too much TV at the beginning. As it stands just with 2 I find it hard to give DS individual attention as when my DD is napping, I need to prepare dinner, respond to emails, pay bills or just take a break etc and so he still watches too much TV and I feel guilty I don't have more energy for him. We live in the US so have no family or support nearby so I rarely get a rest and there's no one to step in to give the kids some more time and attention when I can't. I am worried that having a third would tip us over the edge. My marriage suffered when each DC was born as my husband isn't a great 'baby' lover and it's taken until just recently for us start getting back on a better footing. I'm a SAHM which I know is a great privilege but I've honestly found it unrelenting and quite lonely. We were just getting to the stage of being able to find some freedom again - we were planning some farther-afield trips, hoping to get the kids on skis this winter etc. I have no desire to go back to the difficult newborn days. Plus I know managing 3 schedules for kids at different schools, different activities etc, never lets up. Also, I'm from the UK so a 3rd would mean I get to travel home to see my family even less frequently and it would cost a small fortune when we do.

It doesn't help that all of our friends are adamantly done at 2 DCs and think anyone with more is crazy. They all go away on family trips that we haven't been able to join in on yet and another DC will just leave us at home alone even more, with less time for each child and for DH and I.

DH is being laid off at the end of this month and whilst we have savings to tide us over before he find his next role, being pregnant would put a lot of pressure on that. I should also say that my husband's line of work means he is away A LOT. Up until recently, he's been working 12 hour days and travels out of state most weeks. That means my kids maybe see him for an hour or so at night and other than that, it's all on me. Heaven's knows what schedule a new job would impose on us.

We have been blessed with 2 children that sleep well and I am terrified that a new baby would be a bad sleeper and that would trigger my PND too.

I never thought I would ever consider an abortion in my position - mid-30s, professional, stable(ish) family, 2 kids and financially secure. But since finding out, we have discussed it as an option. I don't want to rush into it but I am only 4wks, 1 day and if we were to decide to terminate, i'd want to do it asap. The idea makes my very sad but my head is telling me it is better to protect my family as it is and give us and our children the lifestyle and attention we want for them, knowing their big extended family in the US and being able to see them. I KNOW a 3rd child would put a huge strain on my marriage and I'm not sure how we would come out of it. I also worry for my children that they wouldn't get as much attention and of making my youngest (who is my loving, sweet child who worships me) a middle child whose needs are de-prioritized.

That said, we're not talking about 4 or 5 children here. 3 is fairly common. We would manage. It would be another sibling for my children and in a few years we would be through the early stages and back to where we are now (of sorts - can't forget the competing schedules, classes etc. Raising kids in the US is crazy). However, everyone we know with more than 2 kids (and even then, we don't know many) has some support to lean on; support that we just do not have.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in my position? I'm tempted to call and make an appointment to terminate just in case and use the time in between to let the idea settle and see what feels at peace in me. I struggle to know whether I'm just in shock and deep down I wanted a third or if in theory I wanted a third but now the reality has hit home and I've discovered that I do not in fact want anymore. Please give me some advice!

Apologies that this thread is all over the place. I have not had chance to think it out properly as my DD has been pulling at me and now I have to rush off to pick up my DS from preschool.

Muminlimbo Wed 26-Sep-18 00:25:53

I am in a similar position, unplanned third pregnancy, was on the mini pill, considering termination. Part of me keeps talking me into we can do it, we'd manage, it'd be hard and it would set us back. Would our other two suffer?
I just wish I would miscarry so I don't have to think about the decision anymore.
I've been doing sone internet dining and have found it quite common for mums getting terminations, either before they're ready for the next one, or were done.
I hope we both find peace in our decisions soon.

PickAChew Wed 26-Sep-18 00:34:31

Concentrate on the things that matter to you before your DH, who is equally responsible for getting to this point. Even your friends don't matter. They may be all 2.2 children, but that doesn't factor in your own personal decisions.

Make that decision, then be kind to yourself, whatever it is flowers

lolalol Wed 26-Sep-18 01:51:47

Hi, i read your post and the most obvious emotion i hear is fear. I totally understand your fears because i had them too for all pregnancies but im so glad i never acted on them. I cant imagine life now without my kids and believe me when i say weve had some tough times and still do. My eldest daughter has an autoimmune disease and weve had days where i thought im not able for this but it passes and then we have great days. Weve dealt with depression, anxiety, ocd, poverty & unemployment, and all of this did put strain on our marriage but after struggling together we are so close. I was recently pregnant, unplanned and had concerns about how difficult it would be to have another baby when my eldest is sick, but i knew i was just being fearful so i began to get excited and then i miscarried. Now i feel what i lost. Children are a blessing, they dont stay small for long. The day will come soon where you are begging them to spend time with yousmile. But really i do know its hard, but youve obviously done a great job with your kids, i think parents now are harder on themselves and trying to follow parenting by the book. So what? Your child has watched a bit more tv than recommended, so has most kids. Relax, youre normal, you care, panic over if youve been a perfect mother. Your not perfect, none of us are. Holidays...you'll have plenty time for holidays but a short time with your children. Your friends who think more than two is crazy, well less grandchildren for them. Your marriage...stress, strain, fights, tears, thats part of marriage anyway. And remember, the kids will be going through all different stages, its get easier. You'll soon be having good chats with them. My eldest (12) shes sick but wow does she have a sense of humour and wit. She does have me in tears laughing some days. My youngest is sweet and cuddly(10) and she is so understanding. I would love to have seen them with a baby brother or sister, hopefully that will happen soon because as soon as i stopped panicking about being pregnant i began to see the good that could come from it. Yes the baby stage is busy but it goes so fast and next thing you'll have young people surrounding you joking, chatting, watching movies (proper ones not painfully repetitive baby movies) and your husband will enjoy that too, not everyone is great with the baby stage but it really is short. One thing i learned from our experience was to remember its all a phase. 4 years ago when my daughter fell ill, it was sudden dramatic and the worst time of our lives, i thought that was it forever and couldnt see a way out. I was terrified, and thought it would never end...she is still sick but we adapted to the sitiation, we had no choice but to accept that life can be hard and prayer a lot of prayer and the result from that was life is better than ever. We are stronger, closer, happier, more understanding to each other and others. And we dont take things as seriously now because theres no point. Try have a laugh, be tough and be grateful of your blessings. If pnd becomes an issue, you'll deal with that along with your doctor. That too will pass should it happen.

Justcoasting Tue 02-Oct-18 23:07:21

Muminlimbo - im so sorry to hear that you are feeling the same pain and distress I am. Truly this a heartwrenching time with no easy answers. Just tying to decide what we should do is driving my DH and me apart which makes it even harder to decide because then I’m wondering how stable our marriage is. Did you make a decision? I made an appointment for the clinic but I was too upset to go in for the first 30 minutes and then it turned out that my appointment was the next day. That day was today and I cancelled it though I’m still trying to decide if I should rebook. I can’t seem to come to a decision and stick to it. One minute I’m sure of a decision and then 10 minutes later I’m beside myself and finding myself thinking the opposite again. It’s making my husband crazy too. Urgh.

Thisimmortalcurl Tue 02-Oct-18 23:24:21

I had a similar fear when pregnant with my third but in different circumstances. Then when I got used to the idea I realised I would love him or her just as much as the others . I guess if you are cancelling appointments it indicates that you are very unsure.
It’s weird when I was pregnant I kept thinking I can’t go back to cuz ( massive age gap ) then when I had him I was thinking this is the last time I’m going to enjoy all off these things .
I personally haven’t going from 2 to 3 that different .
However you really just have to do what you feel deep down is right for your family .

Muminlimbo Wed 03-Oct-18 12:55:47

We did decide not to continue. I went back and forth a lot for a week. Now I'm going to get an ultrasound to date it and go from there. Investigating where I can go and costs as it is not cheap here in Western Australia.

Muminlimbo Wed 03-Oct-18 12:56:10

Hope you and hubby work it out.

mrsgumpy Mon 15-Oct-18 00:47:19

I am in exactly the same position. Your post reads like me. I have a dating scanned booked and will be getting counselling hoping in the next few days. I am also swinging back and forth but imagine we will most likely not continue as husband really doesn't want this and I can't imagine going through without him on board.

jdr1234 Mon 12-Nov-18 06:52:13

Hi ladies, following this thread as I am in the exact same position. 2 kids, a little boy of almost 4 and a little girl of 15 months and have just found out I’m about 5/6 weeks pregnant.
We are in a fortunate position but a 3rd would def put a financial strain on us and I am terrified I won’t be able to give my current kids the attention they deserve.
Have booked app for later in week to discuss options but I am so torn and not sure what to do. Feel so silly for getting into this position

MaverickSnoopy Mon 12-Nov-18 07:12:00

I was in this position 9 months ago - found myself pregnant with our 3rd after a contraception failure. For us it was a bit different because we did like the idea of a 3rd, but our main worries were finances, space and time. After A LOT of thinking and talking we decided to go ahead with it. She's 3 weeks old now and we absolutely wouldn't be without her. I feel so deeply connected to her that I wonder how I could have questioned it. However...the original worries are still there but we're trying to trust that we'll figure it all out. We've had a lot of loss in our life which is why we've taken this approach, because we HAVE to make it work.

So far my 2yo has watched too much TV and we are run ragged. It has been utter madness but we are finding out feet a bit now. I have a couple of friends with 3 and they find it easy and that has helped me to believe it's possible.

There is a lot of fear in your post. My fear hasn't gone away yet! But then don't we spend our lives worrying about our children. When I read the OP it seemed like your mind was made up, so I find it interesting that you didn't go to the appointment. I think (but could be wrong) that your head is saying to abort but your heart is saying to continue. No judgement from me - I had a termination a decade ago and know how hard this decision is.

jdr1234 Mon 12-Nov-18 07:26:40

Thank you so much. So nice to hear your story. I have not made a decision yet, need to do a lot of thinking and soul searching this week. We don’t have the space for a 3rd which is my main issue but like everything we could make it work. Am petrified of having 3 even though deep down I have always wanted 3 kids, am now struggling with the idea

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