I found out 2 days ago that I'm 4wks pregnant with my 3rd child. My DC are 4.5 (DS) and 2 (DD) and though I have often considered a third, I was never ready to commit to the idea and my DH has consistently been against the idea. We were not being as careful as we should have been (though we haven't been intimate very much recently) which makes me feel terrible.
Financially, we are fine though a 3rd would mean that we would have to work longer to pay a third though college etc. I am 35 and my husband is 41. He pointed out that he'll be 60 before our 3rd even graduates from high school. I suffered from PND with my first and truly never enjoyed being a mom until DS was about 1; with DD I didn't suffer PND and I found going from 1-2 fairly easy, though my DS definitely watched too much TV at the beginning. As it stands just with 2 I find it hard to give DS individual attention as when my DD is napping, I need to prepare dinner, respond to emails, pay bills or just take a break etc and so he still watches too much TV and I feel guilty I don't have more energy for him. We live in the US so have no family or support nearby so I rarely get a rest and there's no one to step in to give the kids some more time and attention when I can't. I am worried that having a third would tip us over the edge. My marriage suffered when each DC was born as my husband isn't a great 'baby' lover and it's taken until just recently for us start getting back on a better footing. I'm a SAHM which I know is a great privilege but I've honestly found it unrelenting and quite lonely. We were just getting to the stage of being able to find some freedom again - we were planning some farther-afield trips, hoping to get the kids on skis this winter etc. I have no desire to go back to the difficult newborn days. Plus I know managing 3 schedules for kids at different schools, different activities etc, never lets up. Also, I'm from the UK so a 3rd would mean I get to travel home to see my family even less frequently and it would cost a small fortune when we do.
It doesn't help that all of our friends are adamantly done at 2 DCs and think anyone with more is crazy. They all go away on family trips that we haven't been able to join in on yet and another DC will just leave us at home alone even more, with less time for each child and for DH and I.
DH is being laid off at the end of this month and whilst we have savings to tide us over before he find his next role, being pregnant would put a lot of pressure on that. I should also say that my husband's line of work means he is away A LOT. Up until recently, he's been working 12 hour days and travels out of state most weeks. That means my kids maybe see him for an hour or so at night and other than that, it's all on me. Heaven's knows what schedule a new job would impose on us.
We have been blessed with 2 children that sleep well and I am terrified that a new baby would be a bad sleeper and that would trigger my PND too.
I never thought I would ever consider an abortion in my position - mid-30s, professional, stable(ish) family, 2 kids and financially secure. But since finding out, we have discussed it as an option. I don't want to rush into it but I am only 4wks, 1 day and if we were to decide to terminate, i'd want to do it asap. The idea makes my very sad but my head is telling me it is better to protect my family as it is and give us and our children the lifestyle and attention we want for them, knowing their big extended family in the US and being able to see them. I KNOW a 3rd child would put a huge strain on my marriage and I'm not sure how we would come out of it. I also worry for my children that they wouldn't get as much attention and of making my youngest (who is my loving, sweet child who worships me) a middle child whose needs are de-prioritized.
That said, we're not talking about 4 or 5 children here. 3 is fairly common. We would manage. It would be another sibling for my children and in a few years we would be through the early stages and back to where we are now (of sorts - can't forget the competing schedules, classes etc. Raising kids in the US is crazy). However, everyone we know with more than 2 kids (and even then, we don't know many) has some support to lean on; support that we just do not have.
I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in my position? I'm tempted to call and make an appointment to terminate just in case and use the time in between to let the idea settle and see what feels at peace in me. I struggle to know whether I'm just in shock and deep down I wanted a third or if in theory I wanted a third but now the reality has hit home and I've discovered that I do not in fact want anymore. Please give me some advice!
Apologies that this thread is all over the place. I have not had chance to think it out properly as my DD has been pulling at me and now I have to rush off to pick up my DS from preschool.
Pregnancy choices
Shocked at 3rd Pregnancy. Considering termination.
Justcoasting · 20/09/2018 16:48
Concentrate on the things that matter to you before your DH, who is equally responsible for getting to this point. Even your friends don't matter. They may be all 2.2 children, but that doesn't factor in your own personal decisions.
Make that decision, then be kind to yourself, whatever it is 
Hi, i read your post and the most obvious emotion i hear is fear. I totally understand your fears because i had them too for all pregnancies but im so glad i never acted on them. I cant imagine life now without my kids and believe me when i say weve had some tough times and still do. My eldest daughter has an autoimmune disease and weve had days where i thought im not able for this but it passes and then we have great days. Weve dealt with depression, anxiety, ocd, poverty & unemployment, and all of this did put strain on our marriage but after struggling together we are so close. I was recently pregnant, unplanned and had concerns about how difficult it would be to have another baby when my eldest is sick, but i knew i was just being fearful so i began to get excited and then i miscarried. Now i feel what i lost. Children are a blessing, they dont stay small for long. The day will come soon where you are begging them to spend time with you
. But really i do know its hard, but youve obviously done a great job with your kids, i think parents now are harder on themselves and trying to follow parenting by the book. So what? Your child has watched a bit more tv than recommended, so has most kids. Relax, youre normal, you care, panic over if youve been a perfect mother. Your not perfect, none of us are. Holidays...you'll have plenty time for holidays but a short time with your children. Your friends who think more than two is crazy, well less grandchildren for them. Your marriage...stress, strain, fights, tears, thats part of marriage anyway. And remember, the kids will be going through all different stages, its get easier. You'll soon be having good chats with them. My eldest (12) shes sick but wow does she have a sense of humour and wit. She does have me in tears laughing some days. My youngest is sweet and cuddly(10) and she is so understanding. I would love to have seen them with a baby brother or sister, hopefully that will happen soon because as soon as i stopped panicking about being pregnant i began to see the good that could come from it. Yes the baby stage is busy but it goes so fast and next thing you'll have young people surrounding you joking, chatting, watching movies (proper ones not painfully repetitive baby movies) and your husband will enjoy that too, not everyone is great with the baby stage but it really is short. One thing i learned from our experience was to remember its all a phase. 4 years ago when my daughter fell ill, it was sudden dramatic and the worst time of our lives, i thought that was it forever and couldnt see a way out. I was terrified, and thought it would never end...she is still sick but we adapted to the sitiation, we had no choice but to accept that life can be hard and prayer a lot of prayer and the result from that was life is better than ever. We are stronger, closer, happier, more understanding to each other and others. And we dont take things as seriously now because theres no point. Try have a laugh, be tough and be grateful of your blessings. If pnd becomes an issue, you'll deal with that along with your doctor. That too will pass should it happen.
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