Confused about abortion vs career

[Ulorin]

Hello everyone,

I'm about six weeks pregnant - I found out about two weeks ago and my immediate reaction at 2am in the morning was to call BPAS and try and book an appointment - which I did - by the following day I'd had a consultation booked in for the 30th of this month (January).

I'm 29, and I'm in a long term relationship with my partner. We do want kids and we're both really struggling with this. Our position is a bit strange, we're both freelancers in the arts - and we're both quite successful with our respective careers, however, currently we don't have much money as last year was rough for both of us. Our income fluctuates wildly and can be anywhere between £20K - £70K depending on the year between the two of us.

Last year was hard, I went a bit nuts (I have mental health issues - anxiety, depression and an eating disorder) and spent all our savings trying to fix myself with a residential treatment programme that didn't work. I'm a strong person, but I made such a stupid decision to do that and I'm now into an overdraft for the first time in my life (I've never had any debt before). Thing is though since Brexit - we've stopped saving for a deposit because we genuinely didn't know what to think. Before Brexit, I was planning on owning a house by now - then after the referendum, I didn't feel safe buying in the UK and was considering leaving so we used the money I'd saved to go on a ridiculously expensive holiday... it's screwed me up in a bit way (I'm very political and I get really, genuinely worried about things - especially as I already have anxiety).

ANYWAYYYY...

My original plan was to save up, buy a house, pay off the mortgage, then get married then have a baby (which would have been achievable sans brexit mind bending). But because we lost our shit - and decided to just blow our savings - we're now broke. However, we probably won't be in a few months. And we probably could do it but it would be an awful time and would risk me not having the opportunity to do something absurdly massive career wise which I'm on the verge of (I've been putting together various things for the past few years and now it's all falling in to place). The area of the creative industries I work in is hard and my job is not something that can be taken lightly and what I'm trying to do - what I'm looking at achieving in the next few years potentially has the power to change our income from maybe £70K if we're lucky to serious six figures plus and not ever really have to worry about money.

If I have a kid now, the chances of me achieving that drop significantly - I'm disabled anyway so from about 5 months I'd likely have to completely stop working as my body would start failing and I take a lot longer to heal than normal people so I'd be out of action for about a year aftewards. I feel like if we had a home that was ours (I should point out here that I've been extremely poor in my life and was homeless for two years previously - so having a home is really important to my sanity) then I'd be feeling differently. But because we don't, because we're both freelance and I earn significantly more than my partner - if I'm out of action for over a year and we're renting in the private market and can't afford to pay our rent (which could happen if my partner has a bad year) - then I am terrified of what might happen to us. And I'm certain I wouldn't be able to do what I've got the opportunity to do over the next two years - if I was dealing with my body post-partum and being a mother and trying to cope with being so financially in peril.

However, despite all this - I still feel sad. My partner feels sad too - he agrees that logically it's the right thing to do - but then his sister had kids at 16 with no money and they've turned out okay.

The thought of being a mother makes me feel sick to my stomach one moment and then the next I'm imagining what they'd be like.

I don't think I'm ready - I'm pretty sure that this is logically a good decision because it means we give ourselves the opportunity to permanently change our socio-economic status and our kids won't have to feel afraid, like both of us did growing up in family's below the poverty line.

But my heart still hurts, and so does my partners. Every one of these posts I've read on here says if you're not 100% certain then you should keep the baby - I'm not 100% certain - but I'm about 80% - which means I'm only 20% in to the idea of children. I never want to look at my children and think that because of them I had to give up so much. I know that's how my mother feels about me a little bit - and I made sure I went out and made it worth it for her, and now I'm concerned I'd throw everything I'd achieved away - because I'm just being indecisive.

But equally my partner is 35 and he wants kids - he doesn't want to be an old dad. He agrees that it would be a stupid thing to do in light of what's happening career wise right now. My other concern is that career stuff only might happen - it's an opportunity, not a done deal - so I'll feel like crap if I don't achieve anything and in three years time when I really have to make a decision - nothing will have changed.

Arghhh I don't know.

Sorry this is so rambling. Any help appreciated.

[pleasewithcheese]

Wow, what a complex situation - I really feel for you! And well done on having achieved so much recently that the massive career step might now soon happen.

To me it does sound as if you do want the baby, though, and it just naturally is a scary thing to do. Fertility, pregnancy, babies are so unpredictable in general - one learns to accept that in the process! So in a way some of your concerns and worries around that sound perfectly normal actually.

What stands out to me is
My other concern is that career stuff only might happen - it's an opportunity, not a done deal - so I'll feel like crap if I don't achieve anything and in three years time when I really have to make a decision - nothing will have changed.

I'd have thought so, too - and imagine how you'd feel about this baby then. Likewise, if you've already got yourself in the position to expect such a big career/income opportunity now, surely you can trust that you have what it takes, and even if you were out for a year and a half you could get back to this position again in the near-ish future? In the meantime should things get tough financially for your DP, could either of you not get a temporary side job or something just to tide you over?

So many things might happen but there's also always so many options - it might just feel so difficult right now because it's an unexpected (and naturally unpredictable) situation - but in the larger scheme of things a year and a half isn't so much, and if you do get through that now and then pick your (really exciting sounding!) career up again after that, you'll have a much-wanted baby to show for it!

[Stickaforkinimdone]

Just to echo what the PP has said there are a lot of 'mights and maybes' in your post.....and being brutally honest about it getting pregnant in the future is a might/maybe aswell-we only have so much control!

But your current pregnancy isn't a might/maybe it's a definite

OP, perhaps take more time to decide...this forum is full of women with the saddest of stories about regretting abortions

[LittleKiwi]

You’re right to think very seriously about this now, because babies are hard work, but when they turn up everyone tends to forget that fact or at least not care...

It seems to me from reading your post that your main concern is that the baby will hold you back in your career. Is there a way around this? Would taking six months off really screw your career/ cripple you financially? Is there anyone you could ask for financial support (your parents, your partner’s parents)? Could your partner take on the role of main carer for a while/ permanently to allow you to make your big career move? Definitely worth sitting down with your partner and working everything out - your options, your concerns, your feelings... everything.

Good luck

[Ulorin]

I don't know how to do any of the fancy replying to anyone with their message in the box but as for the answers.

As far as the unique opportunities go, yea - this isn't going to happen with a baby - it's just not. And the 'might' is true - like you say, but I've always bet on myself in these situations. I don't doubt I could get something similar to happen - but honestly, it would be so hard. Partly because I am the main breadwinner anyway - and I've decided with my partner that he'd be the primary caregiver if we were to have kids - so I know I need to get back to work. But the longer I do my current role then more harmful that is to what I'm trying to do in future - and I see people, older than me in the industry I'm in - who have failed to do what they wanted to do because they had kids and couldn't risk taking the risks you need to just go for it, and they have to keep doing the job I'm doing now - which is essentially being a highly paid lackey completely subject to the whims of others. I hate it, but it's the only thing I can - apart from the job I'm trying to do - which is a giant leap.

Sorry I'm being cryptic - I just - yea.

Basically the opportunity I have been working on relies on me being able to be 'on it' for about two years non-stop at least. It also requires me to have some level of branded 'cool young person' about my person - which just isn't going to happen if I end up severely disabled after having a baby.

I think basically, I know I'm being selfish. Because to me - my life is more important than whoever might be inside me. And I feel sad about that.

[Ulorin]

Oh and littlekiwi - yes, it would completely screw us financially. No we don't have anyone to borrow money off.

This is part of the problem, like I mentioned - I've been homeless before. I know for me there is no safety net at all if I lose everything because my family has nothing. Partner's family are in a similar position and they've got a good 8 other grand kids to care about anyway.

Honestly, if I hadn't been homeless before I'd feel differently. But it is terrifying having nothing - and I really could end up completely unable to work for a very long time. If something happens - even something minor - with my spine or hips (which are already very bad) - that's it. I'm done with my job. And I am literally not qualified to do anything else - certainly nothing that pays anywhere near my daily amount at the moment.

[Alanna1]

Why don’t you go and see your GP and ask for counselling?
I don’t agree with the 100% comment. I know loads of women who have had terminations. I think all of them found it hard. I sat with one dear friend as she cried and cried. But none of them regret their decisions later - it was the wrong time for them to have a baby/another baby.
I think you’re in the heart of the storm which makes perspective harder - and when decisions are tough they are tough because both choices have postives and negatives. But you do have a choice and like many choices in life it is not always one with a clear line.
Do you have any older non female friends you can talk too in real life?
Nobody can make the decision but you but your reasons are really good ones (but it doesn’t matter whether they are good reasons or not!). One of the points about a baby is that they are a massive disruption into a woman’s physical, economic and mental life and you absolutely are on the brutal end of those choices.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Alanna1]

PS. And absolutely nothing wrong with being “selfish”. It’s your body and your choice. Sounds also like pregnancy could be really hard for you. I believe entirely in a woman’s right to choose for any reason whatsoever. You are really early in your pregnancy- take some time to get some professional counselling advice (but get some independent advice, some of these services have agendas - I’d suggest tryjng the women’s health department at your local NHS hospital if you don’t want to speak to your GP).

[specialsubject]

If you are a British citizen or have the right to be here, not sure why you felt unsafe buying apart from price instability - which has happened before and will happen again.

Regardless of the baby, bend all energies to rebuilding savings.get help to stop you blowing money, especially if you will be parents. Babies are cheap and so is baby kit - the killer is the earnings loss. That's the decision.

Do you want to dedicate years to a kid, especially the early years? If so, fine. If not, also fine but in that case it isn't fair to have the baby. Every child a wanted child.

Good.luck in whatever you decide.

[Trills]

My understanding is this.

You were not trying for a baby.
Six weeks ago, you didn't want to be pregnant now.

Nothing has changed in your circumstances to make you want to be pregnant now.

It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do, to choose to go back to the state that you wanted to be in, which is that state of being not-pregnant.

[pleasewithcheese]

I see, the situation seems to be even more complex than I imagined, not knowing your exact job.

Still, are you sure it is definitely impossible for you to do your big project/opportunity with a baby? Especially if your partner is happy to be the primary carer anyway. What if it could actually work out to have the baby and still look to everyone a young and cool person / still travel or be very active or whatever your job involves? It might seem impossible now but you actually get used to having a little one in tow - not all the bad things happen together, not everything must be sorted out in advance, some things also have a way of working themselves out when the time comes! I take it it would depend on your health too though - how certain is it that pregnancy would leave you severely disabled - have you spoken to a midwife or consultant about this?

Just speaking my mind - of course you have to decide what's best for you.

[harrietm87]

Hi OP I've just seen this. I work in a standard job but DH is a musician and I know all about the downsides (as well as massive rewards) of a job like yours. We had an unplanned pregnancy when we were 23 and I had a termination. I have not regretted it for one second. I had a medical abortion at 8 weeks and it was physically fine.

I'm now 30 and 31 weeks pregnant. Back then we were students and penniless, renting in a house share. Now we are established in our careers and have a house.

I don't think this is the right time for you. You and your partner are young enough to be able to wait a couple of years - you should pursue this opportunity or you will always regret it. You can have another baby when the time is right. You will also have time to save and find somewhere more stable for you all to live.

If you wanted this baby above all else it would be different, but you don't. There is no shame in that. Do what's right for you.

[snoopfroggyfrog]

I have had a termination (in mid 20s about 6 months after developing low level mental health issues) as well as 2 kids in my 30s (and a few miscarriages, all with the same man) so I'm bringing that experience to what I'm about to say. I also work in the arts as does my partner.

It sounds to me like you've been through a somewhat chaotic time (as in, changing your house buying plans and spending your savings due to brexit, unreliable work/income last year, and your mental health issues). I think this is important as if you decide to have a baby it really helps to be stable in some parts of your life - work, accommodation, savings, relationship. It sounds like your relationship is strong but the other areas are all up in the air, albeit with potential for great things on the career front... But only if you don't have a baby.

You didn't want a baby when you found out and I think that is significant. Of course if you went ahead it may all work out, and you probably wouldn't regret having a baby, but if you don't go ahead you will have more of an opportunity to get things lined up and improve your overall stability (financial as well as work and mental health) before having children and that has a lot of value for your well-being and that of any future children.

I have never regretted my termination but it took weeks to make the decision and I did cry afterward. I still think of it from time to time and what life would have been like if we'd gone ahead, as I knew I wanted kids one day, but I just wasn't ready. I suspect you're in a similar situation.

[ibicus]

How are you doing now op? What did you decide? Love and hugs your way.