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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

To ask for more help because I am not coping?

(25 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Topaz89 Mon 18-Dec-17 05:50:12

Hi, please don't judge me or post any hurtful comments.
2 months ago I ended a pregnancy for big reasons. At first I felt suicidal and although the suicidal feelings have passed I still feel hopeless and desperate. My life has completely changed and I just want to find that light at the end of the tunnel so I can be at peace with everything that has happened. I've gone from a bright bubbly person to a complete anxiety-ridden wreck. I can't cope living like this, by body and my mind are so exhausted.

NonStopDisco Mon 18-Dec-17 05:56:48

have you received counselling for the termination of your pregnancy, and could you see your GP about other methods of getting help? Termination of a pregnancy is a huge life change no matter the reason for having one, so you are absolutely NBU to ask for help afterwards

CalmingBalm Mon 18-Dec-17 05:59:10

I feel for you, I really do, pls seek some counselling at such a difficult time

Topaz89 Mon 18-Dec-17 06:23:46

I've been to one session of face to face counselling and had a few telephone counselling sessions.
I wish there could be a therapy that would help you to forget bad memories.
I really want my baby back sad

HuskyMcClusky Mon 18-Dec-17 06:36:51

Oh, love. sadflowers

No judgement here. I’ve been in a similar situation. The pain is horrendous.

One session of counselling is not enough. Can you access more?

Topaz89 Mon 18-Dec-17 06:51:45

I'm having more counselling after Christmas.
Husky The pain is unbearable. I just cry all the time. I'm sorry to hear you've been through something similar flowers.

HuskyMcClusky Mon 18-Dec-17 06:54:34

It was a long time ago. These days it’s like a bruise or scar on my heart, not an aching open wound, if that makes any sense? It does get better, and you can and will live with it.

Be very kind to yourself. You matter. You were someone’s baby once too. brewcake

Chocolatecake12 Mon 18-Dec-17 06:56:37

Do you have a friend you can talk to?
I think you need to see your gp. Can you make an appointment today? By asking for help on here you have done the right thing.
I really hope you get through this and find peace with the hard decision you had to make.

Topaz89 Mon 18-Dec-17 07:04:35

It does make sense. How long was it before you felt happy again, or at peace with things?
I just feel so ashamed of myself for what I've done.

Chocolatecake I do yes. And I am going to go to the GP today. I was prescribed ADs weeks ago but I have never taken them because I was scared of the side affects. I need help though.

HuskyMcClusky Mon 18-Dec-17 07:21:31

It took me a while. I had a rough year or two but I came through it.

I definitely know that feeling of ‘I will never be properly happy again, so what is the point?’, but it’s not true. You will be.

I took antidepressants and they helped. The side effects of most anti-deps these days is pretty minimal, and they can tweak your dosage to alleviate them. It’s not something I’d recommend lightly, but you’re really suffering and I think they would help. X

Branleuse Mon 18-Dec-17 07:42:46

I remember having a month or two where i felt very low after my abortion. It did pass though. In hindsight i think it may have been partly hormonal, like baby blues, pnd type thing. I wondr if taking some sort of hormone regulator like agnus castus might help rebalance you and to make sure youre doing enough self care. Xx

Chocolatecake12 Mon 18-Dec-17 08:13:46

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. Whatever your reasons were they were right at the time and right for you.
Sending you a virtual hug and flowers
Be kind to yourself

Topaz89 Mon 18-Dec-17 11:10:36

The reasons felt so right at the time and at first as I was relieved, but within 24 hours of having it done I was full of panic and regret. Ever since then it's not gone away. I really wish I hadn't have gone through with it, because as they say: "You might regret an abortion but you'll never regret a baby". If I knew I was going to feel like this I would never have gone through with it. I wish I had done a bit of research in to the aftermath beforehand.

PersianCatLady Mon 18-Dec-17 11:13:05

The thing is once you have had an abortion you only see the negative side to it, ie what you have lost.

What you forget to consider is the other side of it.

If you had kept the baby in a year's time you may well be struggling with four children and regretting not having the abortion.

You will get past this though.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Mon 18-Dec-17 11:16:09

You are grieving and it hurts. You will get to a point where you have not thought about it for 2 minutes and then 5 until it becomes less intense. It is horrible situation but obviously something you didn’t take lightly. Be kind to yourself🌷

Topaz89 Mon 18-Dec-17 11:29:21

I had a moment over the weekend where I forgot about it, and it felt good.

SophieLMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 18-Dec-17 14:31:58

Hi OP,

Sorry for interrupting your thread - we're just going to move this over to Pregnancy Choices, where we think you'll get the best response.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ flowers

FluffyPersian Tue 19-Dec-17 10:59:46

* Ever since then it's not gone away. I really wish I hadn't have gone through with it, because as they say: "You might regret an abortion but you'll never regret a baby".*

I'm really sorry you're hurting, however I disagree with the above. I had a termination and I don't regret it, however if I had gone through with the pregnancy I'm almost 100% certain I would have regretted having a child.

I terminated just over 2 years ago and wasn't prepared for the feelings afterwards. I also grieved and I also felt a sense of 'loss' - it was horrible and I massively struggled. I think it was partially the pregnancy hormones and partially a massive sense of guilt - which I put on myself.

I genuinely, genuinely believe if I had continued with the pregnancy I would have committed suicide. If I had somehow managed to cope on anti depressants and had a child, I am almost certain I would have had horrific post natal depression and my life would have been very different - not in a positive way.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes time - and you need to be kind to yourself. I was lucky enough to 'meet' a lovely lady off Mumsnet who also terminated a pregnancy and everything she told me helped, even though it didn't feel like it at the time. She told me that 'time heals' - For me, that's so true, but you might not believe it at the moment.

She also told me that she wasn't prepared for the 'mental' aspect afterwards and felt very low, but now she can look back and see she wasn't 'herself' and doesn't think she made the wrong decision. I am the same - I focused on the physical 'getting better' and didn't put much though into my mental state, whereas I recovered physically very easily, but it took me MONTHS to feel 'OK' with my decision.

I hope you feel better soon - Please try and be kind to yourself, sometimes we can be our own worst enemy

PersianCatLady Tue 19-Dec-17 12:33:32

How great is that, do you have Persians too??

I had a termination and I don't regret it, however if I had gone through with the pregnancy I'm almost 100% certain I would have regretted having a child
I think the issue is that when people think about what life would have been like with the baby, they look through really rosy spectacles and they forget about how hard it would have been.

When people think about the abortion, they only think of the negative side and how they feel right now which I am sure is affected by the changing hormones after the termination.

What they don't think about is the fact that the reasons that they had the abortion are still just as valid, such as impact on existing children.

Personally I think that some people are too hard on themselves when actually they made the right decision for themselves and their family at the time.

PersianCatLady Tue 19-Dec-17 12:34:44

Sorry I fell asleep last night and I didn't see your PM until this morning.

I have replied to you in a PM because I didn't want to post it in public because it is a bit too personal and probably outing.

Take care sweetie.

Topaz89 Thu 21-Dec-17 05:47:33

Hi Persian, thank you. I have responded to your PM x

Topaz89 Thu 21-Dec-17 05:53:25

I can't live with myself I really can't sad I feel like a murderer. I created that little life and I killed it. I let my 3 children live but this one I didn't. It was their little sibling. It would have been hard but at least the baby would have been loved and alive.

misslost Fri 22-Dec-17 00:09:52

Topaz, I sent you a PM, you have given life to 3 children, you don't know if the last pregnancy would have been ok, maybe you might of mis carried naturally, you are not a bad person or a murderer, you need to be strong for your 3 current children because you are the most important person to them, you are their world. xxx you are loved and you are not evil. xx

Topaz89 Sat 23-Dec-17 13:15:28

Thank you misslost that means a lot. I'm trying so to hard to be strong for them.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Sat 23-Dec-17 14:05:19

Oh lovely you’ve not murdered your child. You just needed to make an absolutely awful decision. You have no idea how things would turn out all you can do is go on the information you had at the time. Please try any Be kind to yourself.

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