Regretful after abortion and devastated miscommunication

[MissBet1]

This is very difficult for me to type as I am feeling so devastated,

I had a surgical abortion 5 days ago, I am in my early 30s and it wasn't planned with my boyfriend, no children so far.

I have always been a busy girl, doing career stuff, working in different places and thought it would be easier for everyone if I did not have it, also I was working abroad when I found out and a month after came back to england. Although it wasn't planned my boyfriend wanted to keep it but always said it was up to me- he sent me some very nice reasons when I was abroad through whatsapp stating why I should keep it but when I came back to england didnt mention much about it. He isnt the type to talk about his feelings face to face and as he didn't mention anything I guess I just filled in the blanks thinking maybe he'd gone off the idea or it was just a funny idea (he made a couple jokes about it)

I tried to ask him a couple of times what he was feeling but he didn't tell me and changed the subject, so I thought maybe he doesnt want it. For me I wanted to discuss how we would do it, the practical planning, how it could work and I guess I needed reassurance and guidance as I was quite scared of the position I was in (he is much older than me, and already has 2 children in their late twenties) There is also the added factor that although he has sepreated from his wife and we are very much public, he is not divorced and we only got together properly at the beginning of 2016. My mum felt that wasn't right and that I was in an insecure position anyway, so I thought I was doing the best.

The surgical abortion did not hurt but afterwards and still now I am utterly devastated and cant see the point in life anymore. He sent me messages afterwards saying his true feelings, that he wanted to keep it how happy it would have made us, that we will never replace this beautiful moment and it has all made me feel suicidal - I wish we had talked and discussed it properly, it is my fault too I should have kept badgering him to talk to me and he didnt mention it so I just thought he wasnt too fussed.

Now a part of me has died, I cant function and feel like the worlds most terrible person, I want to start trying for a baby immediately and I wondered what other peoples views are on getting pregnant after an abortion and whether they got pregnant quickly or easily? I would love to hear your views and chat if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

[allthecheese]

You most certainly aren't a bad person. You made the right choice for you at the time. I think it's perfectly fine to start trying for a baby straight away, and see no reason why not to.

[HeyRoly]

From what you've said, I'm not surprised that you felt like he'd changed his mind. It's very, very cruel of him to tell you all these things after the termination.

Please don't make any rash decisions while you're in such turmoil. Do you really want to have a baby with this man? Someone who communicates poorly and then devastates you by saying he wanted the pregnancy? Someone who is much older than you and still married?

Be kind to yourself. You made a decision and it was what you believed to be the least-worst decision given your circumstances. Allow yourself to heal and grieve and then consider whether your relationship is healthy enough to bring a child into

[ImperialBlether]

If he felt like that he should have phoned you, not relied on mixed messages. It's very, very unfair of him to do that to you now.

[barrygetamoveonplease]

I can't help thinking he's a complete cunt to say such stuff to you now. Ok, maybe he has no-one else he can talk to. But he's still married to his wife...
No, OP, I'm not wrong. He's not a nice man. You did what was best in the circumstances, according to your (sensible) judgement.
Don't try for another baby with this man. He isn't good enough.
Be kind to yourself and give your mind and body time to heal. When you're well enough, do the things you enjoyed before this experience. Gently discover who you are now. In a year's time, you might find everything has changed and you are ready to start a family with someone else.

[Phoebefromfriends]

OP he sounds like a giant twat and is probably saying this stuff now to ease his conscience. Neither of you are particularly young so you can't blame his lack of comms on being young and stupid. Frankly I would leave someone who couldn't communicate with me during a time of huge stress. How would he cope if you did have a child together and something stressful happened? Just let you deal with it and then make out like he's the good guy? He really doesn't sound like someone you'd want as a friend let alone a father. That was cruel and unnecessary to say that. Take some time for you and recover, get some counselling and dump his ass. No wonder he's still married as he probably can't sort out the bloody divorce.

[Featherweather]

Dear girl,

I only confirm what the others have said. Give yourself time to heal and see more clear. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs.

[Pallisers]

He sent me messages afterwards saying his true feelings, that he wanted to keep it how happy it would have made us, that we will never replace this beautiful moment and it has all made me feel suicidal

I'll come right out and say it that I am glad you aren't having a baby with him. I don't think it would have ended well. This is an utterly utterly selfish and hurtful thing to say to a woman who has just had a termination - even if she is happy about the termination.

He is not being kind to you. Kindness is the single non-negotiable trait I would want in the father of my children.

You made the best decision possible at the time for very good reasons. Be kind to yourself.

[Catherinebee85]

It's easy for him to say he wanted it now it's not an option isn't it? Why wasn't he this open with you earlier? I'm very suspicious about that part. Please don't let what he's said impact you too much. You did what was best for you at the time and it's not a decision you took lightly.

Give yourself a break.

Like others have said; no its not wrong at all to try for a baby quickly, but do give some serious thought as to whether you want the father to be a man who communicates so poorly.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

It's very fresh. Give yourself time, not to be patronising but your hormones will be a mess right now and emotions all over the place.

Now is not the time to make rash desicions. Don't have a baby out of regret or guilt. Is this really a man you want a baby with, someone completely unable to communicate the fact he wanted a baby until after baby was no more? All the reasons you decided to go ahead with the abortion and not have a baby do still stand. You don't sound in a place to get pregnant.

[CandleLit]

it is my fault too I should have kept badgering him to talk to me

No it isn't your fault. You tried to ask him a couple of times and he changed the subject. Not your fault he didn't use his words. He has behaved appallingly.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

I didn't have a man putting those pressures on me, but I too felt utterly sick and empty. It was a decade before I forgave myself and I wish I'd had counselling sooner.

Please, seek out a counsellor. Find one you can work with and talk talk talk.

Sob, scream, wail, do whatever you have to do to get those emotions out. Don't bottle them up.

Also, you are literally still feeling the physical pain right now. As you naturally recover from the surgery, this fades. It's the psychology effects you need to focus on recovering from.

www.afterabortion.com/pass_details.html

I joined a forum like the one above, and it finally helped me deal with the hate and the guilt. Talking to other women put things into perspective, gave me shoulders to sob on, helped me understand why I had made the decision and come to terms with it.

Massive soft hugs and empathy - it's a scary time. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing.

[picklemepopcorn]

I could imagine a good man wanting to let you make up your own mind, and being afraid of putting pressure on you. However, that good man would not then message you to say you made the wrong decision.

Sadly his behaviour suggests it was the right decision after all. I don't think you want a child with this man.

Sorry. I hope you find some RL support.

[SexTrainGlue]

He rightly left it entirely to you to decide what you wanted to do (aside from anything else, the law is framed entirely in terms of the woman's wellbeing). It would be utterly wrong for him to have influenced you one way or the other.

He was however, I think, wrong to tell you how much he would have liked a baby after the termination. That was either one of the worst examples of foot-in-mouth possible (at best) or horribly manipulative towards you (at worst).

I think you need to seek a specialist counsellor, to worth through your current feelings. To have a TOP, you must have been convinced it was the right thing to do and have convinced HCP's it was the right thing for your well-being. Those reasons still stand. I hope you can find a way to rebalance them into your thinking.

[illegitimateMortificadospawn]

Pallisers and Catherine have it. It's easy for him to be full of regrets in hindsight, but cruel in the extreme to suddenly open up now. He does not act like a caring partner. I would not be rushing to get pregnant with this man again. And for you OP.

[Riderontheswarm]

I think he just wants to wash his hands of any feelings of responsibility. He is not a nice man or good partner. He knew the signals he was giving out. He just wants it to be all 'your fault'.

[MissBet1]

Thank you for all your words , I know deep down that what your saying is right and I appreciate all your comments, I guess I'm just feeling so weak at the moment, I am living with him (or should I say living in his house) but he is mainly staying in his other home in the countryside as he said hes finding everything difficult and wants to be on his own- he even said he doesnt know if we can carry on our relationship as this is such a big thing to get through, he is going for councilling too as he feels numb , I just dont feel safe and secure, I'm mainly on my own and now I am so upset Im not working so I feel I need to stay in his house at present, it just feels like one big mess and I'm mourning the baby and the whole situation, much love and hugs to anyone who has been in this position. X x x

[RebornSlippy]

Don't even consider having another baby.

Your relationship is a fiasco, OP. How you could be sitting, after the fact, listening to his 'true' feelings and how you had an abortion you now say you didn't want is very worrying.

It's a big mess alright. Leave him, find a job and stand on your own two feet. His aren't able to carry the weight of you both. And yours aren't able to carry anything but your own weight right now it seems. So again, do not even think about another baby at this point.

[Phoebefromfriends]

OP do you have any family you could go and stay with? This man doesn't have your best interests at heart and I suspect he might be using this as an excuse to end it. Is his other residence near his ex by any chance? I would look for work and make a plan to leave ASAP.

This guy failed to communicate with over a life or death situation and is now cruelly using this against you. All the reasons you had for not having this baby still stand.

Please seek some RL support and if you feel suicidal again see your GP or ring the samaritans.

Keep updating us OP, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

[BuckingFrolicks2]

Good god what a turd he is, sorry. He is an old fashioned scoundrel, a selfish irresponsible unloving inconsiderate manipulative scoundrel.

I think your best bet by far is mourn what you've lost, then make your plans for the life you do want. Which will include children when you're ready with the right man. Not him. You're in for a life of pain and misery if you stay with him in it

[ChishandFips33]

He's coming across as controlling, manipulative and selfish and I get the feeling he wants you to be running after him, apologising blah blah blah

Aside from you giving him opportunities to discuss his feelings, he is a grown man and could/should have expressed them kindly but openly so you could weigh everything up before your decision.

The fact that he withdrew then piled it on after the fact reaffirms my first comments

You have done nothing wrong and made the right decision at that moment in time with the information you had - that's all anyone can do...his actions are now changing how that decision feels and it's cruel

Please don't run after him.
Please don't try for another child any time soon.
Aim to get your independence, self esteem and confidence back (it sounds like he's making you needy and dependent) and then see how you feel - you are worth so much more than the way he is treating you