Sorry for the essay but i need to get something off my chest.
I met a guy Aug 2015 had a few dates and got on really well. I wasnt on any contraception as had been single since my little girl was 7 weeks old. Guy has 3 children from a previous 9yr relationship.
Anyways, my little one was at her dads for the weekend in september and we ended up back at mine. One thing led to another and we had sex. Panicking the next morning I went and got the morning after pill. Was waiting for a bleed so i could start the pill as we decided to carry on dating. I believe the morning after pill delayed my AF as it never came, kept taking pregnancy tests and it was negative. Stupidly i thought because i hadnt had an AF and considering it took me and ex over 18months to catch for our daughter, stupidly thought it wouldn't happen and that i would get my AF. He obviously knew i was waiting to start the contraception, and we continued having unprotected sex for about 3-4 weeks. Anyways i kept testing and eventually got a positive. Even though deep down i knew there was a chance i panicked. My daughter had turned 1 in october 2015. Bfs reaction was what do you want to do? I said im not sure as i have had an abortion when i was 19 due to a violent relationship and always said i wouldnt have another one. I desperately wanted to keep it was just torn that i wouldnt get to pay my full attention to my daughter who id waited so long for. He was adamant he wasnt ready for another baby but would support me either way. If he had reacted a little more subtle i would have gone ahead with pregnancy but was scared of becoming a single mom two young babies off different dads. i could tell deep down he was pisssd off with me wanting it, because he was a little off with me at times. And was saying it was too soon etc. Bare in mind he had got his ex pregnant after 3 months also with his first born. But claims it was a casual relationship and he didnt love her but because she was keeping the baby either way he decided to give it a go, and then they ended up with another two. he is an excellent father.
Got myself an appointment found out i was 7 weeks but there was a 2 week waiting list and the only date i could get to fit around work was NYE. So had plenty of time for my mind to play havoc.
He was hosting a NYE party that night for family and his ex was txting whilst we were at the clinic saying to get the kids earlier as she had to go get her hair done 
obviously he couldnt as he was with me. I was pissed off that he was even having the party but would never deny him time with the kids so i kept my mouth shut. anyway i had the termination and immediately felt huge regret, he dropped me home and asked if i wanted him to come in (i knew he had to go and get the kids) so i said no, so there he drove off to get his other kids as id just aborted one. I felt so angry that he knew the situation with contraception and could just be so careless as we both knew the risks.
Throughout the year i have been so angry and stressed and it got to the point i stopped staying at his when he had his kids and mine was at her dads as i started to feel jealous that he could have kids with a woman who he claimed he didnt love, yet before we found out we was pregnant we had both confessed we fell in love with each other, so he could give it a go with her after 3 months even though there were apparently no 'feelings' and mine he just dismissed But then went on to have two more with his ex. Of a weekend any excuse not to be with him and the kids i would make (im not a bad person honest) am i over reacting? Or over thinking things? I tend to do that a lot.
I know it was ultimately my decision but i thought it would be best and seeming his previous relationship started like that i didnt want him to be with me a year down the line just because i had his baby. So i thought i was doing right.
Me and bf went to gran canaria for a long weekend together and he proposed on my birthday there after 8 months being together, he mentioned putting it behind us and started afresh. I accepted and tried to get on with it.
But it is ruining my life, a month after we got back it would of been babys due date and its also around his youngests birthday. my hair has almost halved in length over the last year and i know its because i cant forgive myself and feel as though i hate him for rushing off to get his kids and even carry on hosting the party. I felt i had no support. Only my sister and hairdresser no but my sister doesnt understand. My 'best friend' knew but she never bothered to contact leading upto the termination neither on the day so i havent bothered with her for just over a year now.
He knows how i feel but never really talks about and lastnight i blew my top. I just can't let it go we had a huge row and i told him i cant do it anymore and have ended the relationship, i have tried to get over it but i just can't get it all out my head, i never felt like this with my previous termination because it was an accidental pregnancy plus abusive relationship and i knew it wasnt right but this one is toyign with me because we both knew the risks yet we went and terminated anyway 
Pregnancy choices
Regret abortion
user1485471497 · 27/01/2017 00:28
I am so sorry you are feeling upset op. I don't have any experience of a termination myself but just won't to post to send you some support. Would it be worth trying to access some counselling about this?
I'm absolutely sure I would have terminated a pregnancy at various points in my life if I had got a positive then, purely for 'selfish' reasons on my part of not being ready for a baby. I don't know if that helps at all.
Sending you 
Oh sweetheart you really do need to forgive yourself.
Acknowledge that you may have made a wrong decision but be gentle enough with yourself to recognise that at the time you did what you thought was best not just for you and your BF but also for your little girl.
You arent a bad person.
You are a good parent and you deserve a happy future without letting this decision rule your life and shape your future happiness.
I hope that you can work through this.
You and your BF need a calm and honest discussion and a good long cry. Give your feelings some validity and an outlet
Lots of hugs to you
Hi both thankyou for the advice 
i think i am going to get some counselling for myself and hopefully we can start again x
I think that sounds like a very good idea. In time you may feel very different about everything and at peace with all these events
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