Just need a hand hold

[artlessflirt]

I found out yesterday I am pregnant. I had my DD in November 2015, had a very traumatic birth ending in an EMCS under general anaesthetic. Following that, I've suffered quite badly with PND. We are almost a year on and I'm just getting my life back on track; I've got a good job, DD is settled in at nursery, thriving and sleeping through. Life is good.

This pregnancy is unexpected. It was a huge shock. But I know in my heart of hearts that this is not what I want. I have already booked myself in at NUPAS for a consultation and a scan, and I am 100% sure that I will go through with it.

It just doesn't feel good. It feels shitty. I am terrified of having the scan, terrified of going through it all, just generally terrified. I really just need a hand hold and a cuddle.

[Richtea83]

I'm going through similar with unplanned 4th DC. I agree it does feel really shitty. You sound like you have clear reasons though, as do I, I just keep thinking I'm doing this for my existing children and their wellbeing.

I hope your appointment goes okay, mine is on Wednesday although I won't get treated the same day. I'm dreading having to wait much longer

[Richtea83]

I read this article yesterday and it made me feel a little better:

m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/5498043

[artlessflirt]

That's a really good article. Thanks Richtea.

Sorry to hear you are going through the same. I'm not sure if I will receive any treatment on Wednesday either, beyond a consultation and a scan. I would prefer it if it could be done in one fell swoop, but I know that's not always the case.

I'm afraid of the scan. I'm hoping they don't show me anything. I know, logically, there will be not a lot to see. But with DD the scan was a great source of anxiety for the opposite reason - I wanted to know the baby was healthy, etc. Now I don't even want to see it or acknowledge it.

If it were anyone else I know what I would say - don't feel guilty, you're doing it for the right reasons, etc, etc. But I just can't put that into my own head.

[Richtea83]

I understand, despite the fact my reasons I think are totally valid I still feel guilt and probably always will but in the end I think the relief will outweigh the guilt.

I really don't think they will show you the scan unless you ask to see, I feel nervous about that too, afraid I'll feel something if I see it.

Do you know how far along you are? I'm just coming up to five weeks. just feel so pregnant I can't ignore it, longing to feel normal again.

[artlessflirt]

I'm unsure how far along I am. I don't think I can be any more than 6 weeks.

I'd imagine they don't let you see, or will at least ask you in regards to the scan.

I can't say I 'feel' pregnant. I was convinced I wasn't. I was actually worried I wasn't ovulating as my cycles have been getting longer and longer. But knowing makes all the different I think, this morning I was wondering if I felt sick because of morning sickness or just because I was tired. In reality it's probably be nothing, but every little thing is relating back.

I just want it to go away.

[Richtea83]

I feel the same. I hope everything goes okay for you and you find peace with your descision

[artlessflirt]

You too.

I've actually just started bleeding lightly, so I'm not sure what's going on right now.