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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

About to have my first abortion (next week). Mutual hand-holding?

(19 Posts)
TooFatToShop Wed 15-Jun-16 10:20:17

I'm 33, been with my partner for only 3 months. He's showing red flags of being controlling. I'm halfway through a PhD and already have a wonderful son and daughter (4 and 5 years).

Organised the termination as soon as I got the + test. I've had brief telephone counselling. I've told close family and friends.

Now I just need to get through it.

Anyone else in the same boat?

christiesmam Wed 15-Jun-16 10:23:55

Never been in the same position so can't speak from that perspective. Has your doctor arranged counselling for you afterwards too?

I'm sorry you are in this position but can completely understand your reasoning. You will get through it and I'm sure there will be many of us here to give some virtual hand holding xxxx

TooFatToShop Wed 15-Jun-16 10:26:04

Thanks Christies. They provide telephone counselling.

My biggest concern (and this may sound weird) is that they say I can't work out for 2 weeks afterwards. The gym is a huge part of my life (I go 2 x per day). Being a postgrad student, it is often my only source of social contact. I'm very scared about potentially being isolated for 2 weeks at such a horrible time.

Flatbellyfella Wed 15-Jun-16 10:30:47

If he is showing his controlling ways after only three months together, you are very wise to have this termination , and hopefully get shot of him. The outcome will be to your benefit in the long term. Best wishes.

mikesh909 Wed 15-Jun-16 10:31:22

Not in the same boat, but have been.

I don't know how far along you are or how whether you've chosen a medical / surgical procedure but I wanted to reassure you that my experience of the latter was nowhere near as bad as I had expected. The staff were compassionate and understanding and the whole thing was over from arrival at the clinic to departure in a matter of hours. There was some waiting around, some paperwork, knocked out with the anaesthetic, came round and was told everything was fine. Recovered for a while with tea and biscuits. I left on foot, didn't need picking up, spent the rest of the day enjoying the sunshine. Minimal pain. Miraculously, or at least it felt so to me, pregnancy symptoms were immediately lifted.

Emotionally, what I mostly felt was relief. I had decided that the circumstances were in no way right to continue with the pregnancy. If that is how you feel too, I hope you will feel that same sense of relief.

I hope that helps a little. All the best for the next few weeks. Good luck with your PhD!

CurlyWurlyCatcher Wed 15-Jun-16 10:33:12

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.
I exercise a lot and rely on that mentally, so I can really understand your concerns with that. Do you think you can still go but do some walking on the treadmill or a gentle cycle on the bikes rather than anything intense? You could always tell people you have an injury if that would stop difficult questions being asked.
For what it's worth, I think you are making a very brave and sensible decision xxx

Thurlow Wed 15-Jun-16 10:33:54

Not in the same boat now but I have been there, with a young child at home too. Hand holds here for you.

It's not weird at all to be worried about that. Are you have a surgical or medical procedure?

Would you like to talk about your partner?

TooFatToShop Wed 15-Jun-16 10:57:08

Flatbellyfella Indeed, my friends hate him, and just being around him drains me.

mikesh909 Thanks for sharing. I'm having the pill method. Worried about how bad the bleeding will be?

CurlyWurlyCatcher I plan to do crosstrainer and bike, and tell people I've got a bad back. blush

christiesmam Wed 15-Jun-16 11:06:24

He sounds awful! The bleeding differs from person to person, just keep topped up on painkillers and rest as much as you can. If you do the cross trainer and bike keep it at a gentle pace. Probably stating the obvious there sorry blush

mikesh909 Wed 15-Jun-16 11:14:16

I received no advice on exercise, but I would imagine what you've been told is a kind of lowest-common-denominator approach. You know your own body best after all, and are able to make appropriate judgements.

Re. the bleeding, it will also depend how far along things are. If it's very early days, it could be not dissimilar to a heavy period. Obviously what pp said too, everyone is different. I read a lot of accounts of other people's experiences online, in the belief that knowledge is empowering. Most of the fear, I think, comes from the unknown.

Another thought, which my doctor shared with me - although a termination is a significant procedure, with associated risks and the potential of pain and unpleasantness, compared with a pregnancy carried to term these are minor. You've done pregnancy and childbirth twice, and coped. If your mind is emotionally in the right place, physically speaking, you can do this flowers.

MollyRedskirts Wed 15-Jun-16 11:16:22

I had a medical termination due to abnormalities several years ago. Honestly, the first feeling I felt afterwards was relief, and like another poster said, the pregnancy symptoms seemed to magically disappear. I don't remember the bleeding being bad, and I managed to walk home from the hospital afterwards, although they did let me have a sleep for a few hours first.

I am sorry you're having to go through this, but it sounds like you've got your head screwed on right and you WILL be fine. flowers

starry0ne Wed 15-Jun-16 11:17:35

Not in your position but offering you a hand hold...

Can I ask at the same time if you are aware of red flags are you moving on..It is harder to get out the longer you are there..

2 weeks may seem a long time but imagine 18 years of sharing a child with a controlling man .

Can you ask friends to do coffee, other things to balance things up.

TooFatToShop Wed 15-Jun-16 16:16:23

I saw him today. He's still calling me a murderer. He's also angry that I've told my close friends about the abortion, because he thinks it'll reflect badly on him. He said, verbatim: "Your friends don't give a shit about you". And also "I wouldn't dare tell my friends what you're doing because they will think you're a slut".

MollyRedskirts Wed 15-Jun-16 17:00:54

He's saying that because he knows he has no control over your decision, and hates it. He wants to make you feel like shit because he can't stand not being in control.

You've made your decision for some very good reasons. I think he's shown you them again today.

<holds hand>

lavenderdoilly Wed 15-Jun-16 17:07:48

Hand hold. Sorry you are getting grief from him. I'm assuming your immediate plans include leaving if you haven't already. Focus on you, your children and your PhD. Gentle exercise sounds the most sensible - what your body tells you. Surely just going to the gym, being just you will help. Hope all goes well.

starry0ne Wed 15-Jun-16 17:43:54

Yep another red flag there..Isolate you from your friends.

You are a bad person..

Glad you can see it..

Your friends will support you.. He clearly isn't is he.

mylovegoesdown Wed 15-Jun-16 17:53:30

Well block him on your phone straight away as a start.

I had a termination many years ago within traumatic circumstances. I can't remember a huge amount about much that happened around that time but I know I went to school on the Monday (termination on the Friday) so even though I didn't have much choice about going to school that day, I was obviously physically able to.

I've never regretted it for a second.

TooFatToShop Thu 16-Jun-16 11:43:50

I think he's shown you them again today.

100% this.

Today I told my gym instructor. She was fantastic and assured 100% confidentiality. She said she's dealt with this before and reassured me that I'll still be able to train and gradually return to my current intensity.

MollyRedskirts Thu 16-Jun-16 15:27:05

I'm glad to hear that, it's obviously very important to you.

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